


Supernatural Snapshots

by RoseFrederick



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Canon Compliant, Character Study, Episode Tag, Gen, One Shot Collection, POV Alternating
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-28
Updated: 2015-06-24
Packaged: 2018-03-20 01:20:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 70,830
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3631299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RoseFrederick/pseuds/RoseFrederick
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a series of episode tag vignettes, with each chapter containing one or more snippets for every episode across one season of Supernatural.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Season One

**Author's Note:**

> As an experiment in idea generation and getting into character head spaces, I decided to try and write a viewpoint piece for every single episode of a show. None of the snippets contain spoilers for episodes that take place later in the series, and all are my purely speculative explorations of what the characters might be thinking. No pairings or implications of pairings other than explicitly canon ones will appear.
> 
> Viewpoints change episode to episode. I attempted to give the two main characters roughly equal time and sympathetic treatment, but my own biases may perhaps show through in a few places.

#### 1x01 (Pilot): Haunted - It's A Ghost Story

Sam hates himself for it, more than just a little bit. He wanted out of the life, and he was working at making a place for himself in the normal world at Stanford. Everything he had there - his degree, his friends, Jess most of all – they were all the kind of normal he'd left his crazy family crap behind to seek out. 

Except as much as he's sure he wanted out and wants to stay out, he keeps finding himself enjoying this hunt against his own better judgment. The adrenaline rush when the car chases them across that bridge is such a high once he's sure Dean's fine. The satisfaction of putting the pieces together when he realizes Constance is a Woman in White and later what it means that she keeps saying she can't go home. 

Adding that on top of spending time with someone he doesn't have to constantly worry about giving himself away to? Even with Jess after as long as they've been together, he always wonders if he's only a few steps away from doing something too weird for her to dismiss. The fact that the person in question is his brother who probably knows him better than anyone else in the world, that he had to cut himself off from to get away from it all – well, he can't quite help himself from having a good time.

While it's happening he doesn't see anything wrong with that. He's not tempted to go back to the life, not really. Sure, Dean's right, they do save people. The satisfaction of that isn't a lure he's completely immune to. But Sam knows that part of all of this enjoyment is simply an old familiarity being reclaimed, a ghost of his past resurfacing. He doesn't really want it, even if it feels good right now, so he can write it off as a temporary echo of his old life.

Then everything changes. When he's standing, numb, outside the burning building – Oh God, _Jess_. That's when he really hates himself for it. He left the life for a reason, and if he'd only been here, if he hadn't been off with his brother _enjoying_ a hunt … 

Sam Winchester knows plenty about being haunted in the various senses of the word. Unfortunately, guilt isn't one of the things you can salt and burn.

 

#### 1x02 (Wendigo): All You've Got

Family. That's what it all came down to. It was a lesson he knew by heart: family is the only thing you have. To hear those words echoed back to him by the girl pretty much sealed the deal for him that they had to help her. Hailey and her two brothers were the most important things in each others' lives. Dean felt the same way about his own small, fractured family. 

He got why Sam was so desperate to find Dad right this minute, but Dean knew it wasn't gonna happen that soon. Sam didn't want to hear that, though, and he found himself caught between trying to brace his brother for reality or to let him figure it out in his own time. It was clear nearly right off that John Winchester had never been here, just as it had been completely clear he'd meant for them to come along and finish up his last case long after he'd left the area. They weren't gonna find the man a minute sooner than he wanted to be found, and that clearly wasn't what he wanted from them right now. It sucked, but railing against it wouldn't help any. That was something Sam had just never understood about their dad.

He definitely would not deal well at all the longer it took them to catch up to the old man. Sam was in a hurry, but for Dean, it was a such a relief to have a partner to work with who was actually a partner and not a boss. He was even the more experienced part of the team for once, which was a nice change from always feeling a step behind. Or worse, being solo and worrying about screwing up without backup. When Sam figured out that their dad was staying away on purpose, though, Dean was pretty sure it'd turn into a fight. Even if the fight was really with their dad, Dean was pretty sure he'd be stuck in the middle as a convenient proxy for Sam's anger. That was one part of their old family dynamic he could live without getting back.

So he'd do what he could to put Sam off for a while, try and get him to cool down, and they'd finish this case. It wouldn't work forever, but surely Dad would finish up whatever he was doing and tell them something eventually. He just hoped it didn't take too long for Sam. He didn't want to get left behind.

 

#### 1x03 (Dead in the Water): Those Who are Silent

Sam didn't remember his mom. He'd been only six months old when she died, and he'd always found it a bit annoying that both Dean and his dad didn't seem to actually get that she might as well have been a stranger to him. He'd never really felt her death the way they seemed to, because it had been a fact of life that she was gone by the time he was truly able to be aware of anything. 

He'd always assumed that Dean only talked the way he did about her because his brother had always been so eager to emulate their dad and win his approval. He'd never really thought that Dean might have been old enough to actually, distinctly remember their mother. Perhaps a few vague impressions, but it just didn't seem likely that he could clearly remember either her life or her death. To hear him state so vehemently that watching a parent die was something you could never forget felt almost like a physical blow. Watching Dean trying to pry a response out of Lucas, Sam found himself reevaluating more than one assumption he'd made about his brother. 

Dean was always so silent (and dismissive) on the subject of emotions that it was hard sometimes not to take that at face value. Here and now, Sam found himself getting a glimpse underneath the devil-may-care attitude that his brother wore like armor. It wasn't that he didn't believe his brother had strong emotions; Dean was always just so damn good at redirecting away from them. He was opening up for Lucas, though. Sam wasn't sure if he should feel lucky to actually get to see his brother being so genuine or be irked that Dean had never and probably would never be so open with him. 

That wasn't even all, as this case was apparently just full of surprises coming from his brother. Sam had been confident when he'd laughed and refuted Dean's assertion that he loved kids in what had just seemed like another embarrassingly transparent attempt to find a hook-up. The more he saw Dean interact with Lucas, though, the clearer it was that Sam had no idea. What else didn't he know about his brother? The one thing he was pretty sure of was that Dean would never tell him himself.

 

#### 1x04 (Phantom Traveler): Fears

He'd been reminded of his fears from the moment they'd first heard that the case had to do with airplanes. At the time, it was irrational to think that it might mean he'd have to end up in a plane. Hey, he didn't have many fears, but the ones he did really bothered him and he couldn't quite shake the thought. Dean figured he should be forgiven for the paranoia, because everybody's got fears. Even bad-ass hunters like himself, not that he'd admit it out loud.

When they realized that there was a demon killing the survivors of the original crash, he'd still been able to squash down his unease. He was pretty sure Sam hadn't even noticed. Then his stupid little brother had to go and suggest they get on the plane to save Amanda's flight. Sure, it was reasonable, but he didn't have to like it. 

It sure as hell didn't help when Sam patronized him about it, assumed he was too stupid to know what the name of God was in Latin, and then oh-so-calmly pointed out he was just opening himself up to possession. Dammit, Sammy was the little brother – Dean sure as hell didn't need to be coddled. Even if he was only barely keeping it together.

Things only got worse as time ticked away and they weren't able to find the demon anywhere. Dean was just starting to allow himself to hope that maybe the demon really wasn't on the plane when they found the thing in the friggin' copilot with only 12 minutes to the deadline. Awesome.

Most of the rest of the plane ride was a rush of urgency lost in the following near-crash of pants-wetting terror that seemed to stretch on forever. Yeah, he was afraid. Still, like any other job, it was worth it at the end. For all the fear and trauma, they exorcised the demon and saved all those people. Not to mention all the ones from potential future flights. _That_ wasn't the stuff of nightmares. At least not to him.

 

#### 1x05 (Bloody Mary): Killed By Guilt

It's pretty clear that Dean just doesn't understand, and Sam doesn't really want him to. Even if he wasn't worried about what Dean would say about the supernatural nature of the prescient dreams (and he was), he didn't want to hear it. He didn't want to hear about how it wasn't his fault. The only thing that could possibly be worse was if once Dean knew, he stopped saying that it wasn't Sam's fault. 

As solicitous as he'd been these last weeks over the nightmares and sleeplessness, Sam was pretty sure Dean would never outright blame him for what had happened to Jess. At least short of having actually physically killed her himself. That was just how Dean saw him, the little brother that needed to be protected and reassured, and it would only be worse when he was so clearly vulnerable.

That didn't mean it wasn't Sam's fault though. Everything the reflection had said was from his own head and worse, it was true. He may not have known that the dreams in particular would come true, but he had known what was out there in the darkness. He knew demons, ghosts, and monsters existed. He could have taken a few sensible precautions and the thing that had killed Jess would have never been able to enter their apartment. But he wanted to seem normal, so he didn't. The consequences of that were on him, and there was nothing that would change that. He wasn't Charlie, she was truly blameless and of course Dean couldn't see the difference because he didn't know. He didn't want to know what Dean would say if he knew.

 

#### 1x06 (Skin): Underneath it All

This isn't Dean. This isn't Dean talking to him right now, and he really, really needs to remember that. Sam still can't quite help himself from wondering if what the shapeshifter wearing his brother's face is saying is true. 

Yeah, it's obvious that this thing is messing with him on purpose by saying the most hurtful things it can come up with. That doesn't mean what it is saying isn't the truth. Sometimes the truth hurts worse than lies after all, and he's asked it enough pointed questions to tell it knows what's in Dean's head. 

He's trying to make himself dwell instead on wondering where is brother is. When that's sorted there isn't much time to think beyond the immediate concerns until everything is over and done with and they're all staring at a dead replica of Dean. Even after trying to kill it himself and having the thing beat the crap out of him, that is still just hard to look at. 

The only thing he's completely sure of is that the real Dean would never in a million years ever say any of the things the shapeshifter had. He would never say them, but that didn't mean he hadn't thought them. Perhaps even that he wasn’t still thinking them on some level.

That thing wasn't Dean. It definitely wasn't really his brother. Somehow that didn't just make it all better. Especially when Dean echoes its words as they're driving out of town. Yeah, it's in a completely different inflection with completely different context, sure. It's still incredibly unsettling.

His brother isn't impossible to read, especially for Sam. So it's probably true that he could just ask if Dean ever resented him, and no matter what Dean said, Sam would get some idea of what his brother really felt. He doesn't ask though. He isn't sure enough he really wants to know to chance it.

 

#### 1x07 (Hook Man): Finding Connections

For all that Dean talks about how being a hunter involves being cut off from everyone, it's good to see Sam making a connection with somebody. He still doesn't think that's a thing that will work long-term, but maybe it's something Sam needs in the here and now.

Dean can't help but worry about how intensely Sam's still agonizing about his girlfriend's death. Sure, he's never had a long term relationship, so maybe he can't quite understand, but there's something about the way his brother has been acting that just isn't quite ringing true. 

So it's a bit of a relief to see him connect with the pretty girl. Even enough so that he offers for them to stay on for a few days right after reassuring the local 5-0 that they're on their way out of town. He doesn't really expect Sam to take him up on it, but Dean's choosing to take it as a good sign that at least someday it may be possible for Sam to move on, even if it's not today.

 

#### 1x08 (Bugs): Hivemind

Sometimes he and Dean are so absolutely in tune with one another it's crazy. Most often when they're in the middle of a hunt, but not only then. It's not that they even think alike so much as they just have such a clear understanding of how each other think that they can make plans without exchanging a word. 

There are some things they really don't understand about one another, though. The primary one being their respective relationships with their father. Sam has never really been able to understand Dean's unwavering and entirely unquestioning faith in the man ever since he's been old enough to think for himself.

It's just as clear that Dean cannot understand why Sam doesn't feel the same way and was so glad to get away from John Winchester's overbearing life-as-hunter-training-course. The lack of understanding is never so clear as it is now, with them arguing about how Matthew should handle his dad. Dean can't understand not telling the kid to be more obedient and Sam knows that really isn't going to help. He knew from experience _that_ would only result in bigger blowups in the end.

Talking to the kid's dad, though, maybe neither one of them is completely right. He can't say for certain about his own father, but it's clear that looking in from the outside, their father-son relationship is different than either one of the participants sees. Maybe his dad really had been doing the best he could. It didn't make everything better, but maybe his recollections of what happened were overly harsh. Sam didn't believe for a moment that all of his anger was unjustified but – well, they'd sort it out when they finally found Dad.

 

#### 1x09 (Home): You Can Never Go Home Again

There's a chill working it's way up his spine as the chick living in their old house starts talking about flickering lights. Every further word she says about the house is just that much more damning. There's definitely something malevolent here.

Sure, he'd been disturbed enough when Sam had started talking about having crazy dreams that came true, but he'd talked himself out of believing it. The memory was a funny thing. As little as he wanted to think his baby brother was losing it a bit about Jessica, well, he'd kind of prefer that.

Dean wasn't sure which was worse, really, being back here and there being something in their old house – maybe the thing that killed Mom, maybe something else - or the fact that some weird supernatural shit was going on with his brother. It made him desperate enough to call Dad, even if he figured that the old man surely had something important going on to stay away this long. This was just too much to deal with and he _needed_ Dad; needed someone else to be in charge again and tell him what to do about all of this.

The way Missouri kept treating him like some kind of delinquent without him even having done anything certainly did nothing to help his unease with the whole situation. It was bothersome, but they needed to help Jenny, because no way was he letting anyone else get killed in this house because of the evil that had already happened here.

Then, just when he thought the whole thing couldn't be more unsettling, one of the hauntings turned out to be _her_ – Mom. Not as something evil, so that was something at least, but the thought of her stuck in that house for all these years hurts almost as much anyway. Especially when she didn't even stick around to say anything more to him or Sam. He just wished -

 

#### 1x10 (Asylum): Under the Influence of Spirits

The longer they go without finding their father, without getting any leads on the thing that killed Jess, the more aggravated he can feel himself getting. With the situation, with their father, and increasingly more and more with Dean. 

When he's feeling more reasonable, Sam understands that this is more because Dean just happens to actually be there to take the frustration out on as much as anything, but most of the time, it's hard to remember that. Especially with his eagerness to follow their father's orders without a single question, even when they're given at a distance via text message.

He's already feeling aggravated with his brother, and Cat's assumption that Dean is his boss just adds to his frustrations. Surely he doesn't seem subordinate? That it comes right on the heels of the present day Doctor Alcott convincing him to talk about Dean doesn't help either.

In the aftermath, Sam has to wonder if the fact that he was already feeling so much annoyance made it easier for the dead doctor to affect him. Everything he'd said to Dean under that influence was true, but he hadn't meant it like that. And he certainly hadn't wanted to shoot his brother. He hopes Dean believes him when he says he didn't mean any of it, even if he's not being entirely truthful when he says so.

 

#### 1x11 (Scarecrow): Deceptive Surfaces

He doesn't _really_ feel bad for leaving Sam on that roadside. Yeah, maybe a bit of it was temper, but this blowup had been coming for a while now. If Sam wanted to storm off, well, he couldn't stop the kid, and Sammy could protect himself from most things. 

Maybe things would be different if this particular case Dad wanted to send them on wasn't something that had to be taken care of _right now_ or put off for another year. He couldn't put it off in good conscience even if part of him really did want to find Dad as much as Sam did, despite the warnings of danger. He wants to see their family back together.

Trying to ingratiate himself with the townspeople, however, he really, seriously misses Sam. He's not exactly bad with people, but Sam really is better at getting anyone to listen just by flashing the big puppy dog eyes. Dean usually doesn't get that good of a response unless the people in question are already neck-deep in danger or he himself starts waving a weapon. 

Missing Sam leads to him calling the kid, and admitting a few things that he normally is barely wiling to admit to himself. Maybe it's just been all this time hunting on their own, maybe it's the fact Dad left them hanging with the crap in Lawrence, but whatever it is, but he's having a lot of trouble suppressing his own questions about whether or not their dad really knows what he's doing. It's not that he's never had any questions about orders, but he'd been set into a certain role. Dean was the older brother and the good son. He had to set an example for Sam when they were younger and try and mediate between Sam and his father once they got older. 

It didn't mean he didn't have doubts. It just meant that he was never really in a position to voice them. As much as he'd always hated the conflict between his brother and his father, he had sometimes envied Sam's ability to just refuse to obey unless he got the answers he wanted. So he let his brother go and tried to decide whether or not he'd be trailing him to California after this business with the pagan god was taken care of.

 

#### 1x12 (Faith): Belief

It takes a lot of research and calling every contact he can scrounge up in the journal to find anything that might help his brother. Despite what he tells Dean, he doesn't particularly believe. He prays and he does have faith that there's good out there, but expecting tangible results from it is something else altogether. Thing is this faith healer is the only chance, and **any** potential chance to keep Dean alive is one worth taking, no matter how much his brother complains.

He'd said it just a few hunts ago; they were all each other had anymore. He couldn't take losing Dean, and he wasn't going to let his brother just give up. If this didn't work, well, he'd find something. No idea what, but he wasn't going to let Dean go.

Of course, that doesn't mean there isn't an insane amount of frustration involved as Dean grumps the whole way. Then when he tries to refuse Le Grange's help? Sam would really have been tempted to smack him if he didn't look like death warmed over already. 

Afterward, he doesn't care too much that Dean is still doubting, because Sam's got his miracle. Anything else is just details. So far as he's concerned and there's no need to understand what happened. Dean won't let it go, though, and he can't deny that his brother has always had crazy-good instincts when it comes to hunting. He's got his miracle, so if Dean wants to investigate now, there's no reason not to. 

There are really only two things he feels bad about. First is the fact that he doesn't feel more guilty than he does once he and Dean uncover the ugly secret behind it all. Second is the fact that Dean is so clearly torn up over it. 

He'd never tell Dean, but he doesn't really think that he'd have stopped Le Grange from healing Dean even if he'd known. It's not quite that he believes that his brother's life is worth more than that of anyone else in the grand scheme of things, but it certainly is to him.

 

#### 1x13 (Route 666): Love Stories

Seeing Dean react to Cassie is just so strange. There's quite a bit of hilarity there, but one of the things to really hit him hardest is incredulity. It only increases the longer they look into things, but it starts well before they even hit town. He really can't believe that Dean, toe the line good little soldier _Dean_ , went against their dad's rules and told some girl he'd dated for a couple of weeks the big family secret. 

That whole time he'd been with Jess, the girl he'd been thinking about proposing to, he'd never said a word. Yeah, a lot of it was because he just wanted to pretend to be normal, but some part had also been because the fact they weren't supposed to tell had been drilled into his head from the moment he himself had been let in on the secret. 

It only gets more crazy when he realizes Dean was actually in a serious relationship, had real feelings for this girl, and totally got dumped. Sam couldn't recall Dean ever being serious about a relationship that wasn't familial their whole lives. Wow.

He can't really keep from wondering and watching the two of them interact at every opportunity. He's never seen anything remotely like this out of his brother. It's clear there are some major unresolved issues here, but that doesn't mean he doesn’t enjoy teasing at every possible opportunity. He's certainly been subjected to seeing his brother's hookups before, but never any that actually seemed to mean anything to him, and it's weirdly fascinating. 

Still doesn't tell Sam what his brother is thinking though. He's also not at all surprised when he attempts to get Dean to talk and gets a complete avoidance. That's just Dean, though it's clear as well as he knows his brother, he still doesn’t know everything.

 

#### 1x14 (Nightmare): Feeling Helpless

This whole thing with Sammy just gets freakier and freakier. It was one thing when he had visions that were obviously connected to their lives, but being woken up because he saw some random dude in Michigan bite it? That's just a whole new threshold of _what the hell_. 

When they actually arrive and they're too late? It just doesn't make a whole lot of sense. They've got to look into it, but Dean is already pretty sure that this is a case where he's not going to like the answers they find. 

Then Sam falls off the bed in their motel room clutching his head and somehow the whole situation just gets even worse. He's done his best to try and help his brother through all the aftermath of Jess' death and the frustration of not finding their father, but this is something he can't do a damn thing about and that stings. 

All he can try and do is attempt to reassure Sam that it's going to be okay, but as good as he thinks he does at maintaining a straight face as he lies, Dean can tell his brother isn't buying it. Maybe if they can manage to stop this latest vision and get some kind of lead, it will at least make Sam feel better. 

Except that doesn't work out.

It gets worse when Sam declares that he's connected to Max, because that kid is a monster. Sam wants to try and help him, and Dean's willing to bend enough to let him attempt to talk it out, but he has no hope that it's actually going to yield results. No matter how far Max was pushed, murdering two people and attempting a third? So far as Dean is concerned, that puts the guy squarely in the column of things that need to be hunted. 

He hates leaving Sam alone with the thing, but he can see that his little brother is too invested here. Attempting to try and reason with his brother in front of the psycho is only going to ratchet up the tension, because he can see it written all over Sam's face that trying to talk Sam around is only going to start a big argument. So he reluctantly leaves Sam alone with a psychic psycho, desperately hoping it isn't going to be a fatal mistake.

When Max walks in without Sam, Dean's heart jumps into his throat. He didn't hear anything from downstairs, but there's no telling what Max will do and as cool as he's trying to play it, _Sam isn't here_. Then Sam busts in and even while there's still a gun on all of them, he can't help the rush of relief. 

As they're packing up to leave once it's all over, he can't help but think that as scary as this Max thing was, and as much as the idea of Sam having his own weird supernatural abilities is even more terrifying, he does know one thing. Sam isn't Max – nothing like him. He doesn't know if Sam believes his reassurances, and he ends up going for the humor in the end just to try and at least get it off Sam's mind. Dean's got worries, but it's _Sam_ – his geeky little brother who would hug out all his emotions if Dean would let him. They'll deal with whatever comes when it comes.

 

#### 1x15 (The Benders): Bare Bones

Sam disappearing just plain scares the crap out of him, and he's not sure what he would have done if the nice cop lady hadn't agreed to wait on arresting him until after they found his brother. When he hears her story, Dean's not quite as surprised.

Then it just gets freaky. He gets monsters. They're just evil, there's no rhyme or reason and it's not expected that there will be. The things their family hunts, they're not part of the natural world. Expecting them to act with reason or compassion would just be stupid. 

Freaky hillbilly cannibal family, though? They're people, and he doesn't understand how people come down to that kind of base animalistic state. They have a choice in what they become and that's what they choose? People, man.

 

#### 1x16 (Shadow): Coming to Light

They don't just run back into people they know very often. Okay, sure, it wouldn't be impossible that they'd run into another hunter who'd taken up the same case – but even that didn't happen as often as it might. So just “happening” to run into Meg in Chicago, half a country away from where he expected she was? Sam was very suspicious. 

Finding out there's got to be a major player in town to be summoning an evil so ancient is a strangely hopeful discovery. The likelihood that it's somehow connected to the demon that killed Mom and Jess doesn't seem like such a crazy assumption. Thinking about this finally all being over gives him a real surge of hope (he's trying not to get his expectations too high over too little, but it's hard). Dean's never liked change, but Sam's sure his brother will get over it and find a life somewhere, so he doesn't let Dean's obvious upset squash his own feelings.

As much of a thrill as the potential is, he's not entirely able to get past the surprise that Meg is the one summoning the Daevas. As suspicious as he was of the supposed coincidence of her being here, he never expected her to be that big of a player. Her expecting them to show up at her lair, well, that's just as much of a shock. Somehow the fact that it all turns out to be a trap for their father? Well, that actually makes everything suddenly make more sense in a flash of understanding that hits him all at once.

While he and Dean are working on their wordlessly formulated plan of escape, he spares a few moments for that thought that he really doesn't understand Meg's motivations. Even her answer to a question along those lines doesn’t really clear anything up on that front. Loyalty and love for whom? For a demon? That's just a whole new level of sick.

Another shock comes when they find Dad in their room. It wasn't that he disbelieved Meg that their dad was in town, but John Winchester had been so elusive for so long it was hard to believe they'd ever see him – even when he was right in front of them. 

He also really hadn't expected the Daevas to show back up after they'd trashed Meg's altar. Generally the bad guy trying to puppet a major evil force getting tossed out a window by said force was the end of things. 

Dean agreeing with Dad's plan to take off without them again so much as to voice it even before he does – well, that's not a shock at all. It bugs the hell out of him, but Sam isn't remotely surprised by it. The fact he's still stuck here with his family on this never-ending hunt is just a disappointing nightmare, but not an unexpected one.

It's at that point he realizes that he felt so hopeful because he's started to believe that this whole search is never going to end. His dad has been tracking this demon ever since mom died. Even if he says he's getting closer, how can Sam really know that's true? He wants to believe, but finds that he's not sure he can and he hates that.

 

#### 1x17 (Hell House): Hidden Motives

He decides to put that spoon in Sam's mouth completely spontaneously, with no planning behind it at all. The bitchiness and challenge his brother gives back to him, though, makes it clear that it was a good idea. 

It's been a while (but not long enough) since they finally caught up with Dad – and nearly got all three of them killed. This is a tough enough gig on a reasonably good day, and after a day like that, Dean figures that he and Sam can both use a little more fun in their lives. Sure, maybe a prank war isn’t the most mature way to go about that, but there's no need to go knocking a thing that works.

Maybe it doesn't make the greater problems go away, but it does give them both something else to focus on for a little while. It's a sad enough thing that hearing his brother laugh at his ensuing prank-related misfortunes (the bitch) reminds him that neither of them really laugh honestly all that much.

It's only fitting that in the end without exchanging a word they both turn their pranking on those two morons from the paranormal website who unwittingly started the whole Mordecai mess. Sure, it wasn't really their faults that between their website and the record clerk's efforts they'd played a particularly nasty prank on the local teens that turned murder-level nasty. It was a good enough reason to get them out of the same area as the tulpa though, and maybe the dead fish wasn't entirely undeserved.

 

#### 1x18 (Something Wicked): Responsibility

He would never, ever say it to Dean - but no matter how many fights he'd gotten into with John Winchester, sometimes it was very clear that Dean had gotten the rawest deal in their childhood. The story he tells about the striga only cements the thought that Sam has had before. 

A better father would have reassured their son that it wasn't his fault a monster had gotten in the room. Besides, even if Dean had been there, where he was supposed to be? At best, he'd have also been asleep and vulnerable. What he hell was their dad doing taking a hunt for a monster that specifically targeted kids, anyway? 

Even worse, and this one he was definitely not telling Dean, and didn't even really want to acknowledge to himself – how had Dad gotten there just at the right moment? The timing seemed incredibly suspicious. So he might have been following the monster and just happened to get back right then, but, well, it seems unlikely.

Even putting that disturbing twist aside, Dean's clear feelings of responsibility and guilt for something he was far too young to have any actual responsibility for bother Sam a lot. He can't undo what Dad did by blaming his brother, but he can try to let him know he understands. Even if Dean does shut him down pretty much immediately, he hopes it helps. Though Sam's afraid it doesn't really, because he notices the inflection in his voice when Dean says he wishes _Sam_ could have retained some innocence that makes it clear he doesn’t bother to have any such wishes for himself.

 

#### 1x19 (Provenance): Brushstrokes

It's not that he wants to see Sam try and settle down again somewhere, but the kid has made it pretty clear that's what he wants. Dean doesn't want to be alone, but if Sam is going to leave eventually, he just needs to deal with it. If that's the case, well, there would be worse options than sticking around here for Sarah.

Hell, even just as a step in terms of getting over Jess, Sarah is kind of an awesome choice. Not many chicks would be so completely okay with the weirdness of their lives. Sam doesn't seem to be able to hook up with a girl without it being some kind of relationship, and while Dean doesn't get it, if that's what his brother wants, some chick who actually knows their lives is a better choice considering what happened last time he tried to leave it all behind.

He can't say he doesn't feel disappointed Sam doesn't want to take advantage of that, at least temporarily. Dean doesn't want to be left hunting on his own, but neither does he want his brother to spend his life alone, and that seems to be the path he's trying to head down. He really doesn't know what is normal for someone who was in a relationship like Sam's in terms of recovering after losing someone horribly. He supposes for now he'll just have to let his brother move forward at his own pace, because at least that kiss makes it clear he is finally moving forward.

The one thing Dean totally doesn't get is why so many people kept buying such an ugly-ass painting, murder aside.

 

#### 1x20 (Dead Man's Blood): Bringing Matters to a Head

To tell the truth, Dean _isn't_ really cool with just falling in line and letting their dad bark orders without explanation. He just doesn't really see much of an alternative, because that's just the way Dad is. No amount of he or Sam complaining is actually likely to change that.

Worse, he hates being stuck in the middle of the two of them. He used to think that Sam was just being a contrary teenage snot. Now he really sees what it is – the two of them are just too damn similar. He's tried for years to be like their dad, pretty much as long as he can remember, but it's all just pretense and emulation in his case.

As if that doesn’t make him feel inadequate enough, Dad's dig about the condition of his car stings more than a bit. Sure, he can see that it's half because Sam is pissing him off, but that doesn't make it any less of a slight. Then comparing the state of the Impala's arsenal to the neatly presented array in the back of the truck, well. Between that and the orders and the fighting, he feels pretty much like a kid again, and not in any kind of good way. 

He's dealing with that until he catches on that their dad's plan to go after the demon is closer to a suicide run than he'd expected. He doesn't want to fight with his dad, but that is not something he can let go once he's realized it. Dean sets his mind on standing up to him about it, but he doesn't in a million years expect the man to actually agree with him. He's not really sure that he can ever see Dad's decisions in the same light ever again.

 

#### 1x21 (Salvation): Everything Falls Apart

It's very weird to find himself watching a conflict between Dean and Dad. Not that he disagrees at all with what Dean is saying, because he does agree, absolutely. He just never expected to hear Dean being the one to say it. He'd found himself getting pissed for years at Dean for just blindly following Dad's orders, but he's still completely bemused to see that it can actually change. 

That was one heck of a shock, but it was a tiny one compared to hearing that Dad was going to leave killing the demon up to him and Dean. A couple weeks ago he couldn't trust them to hunt with him, and now he's putting everything in their hands? Sam may have spent years itching to get out from under their father's thumb, but it doesn't mean he hasn't been looking to make the man proud of him, and this is a heck of a heavy weight of responsibility. That it's also an important matter of getting revenge for Jess and Mom only adds to the weight, and having to wait for the demon to show is insanely nerve wracking.

Feeling the pressure, he tries to talk to Dean, but he should have known that would never work with his brother who refuses to hear it. In a way it helps a little, that Dean can at least talk so optimistically.

Of course, he pretty much forgets that in the crushing disappointment of missing the shot and failing. Failing Dad and Mom and Jess. To hear Dean say it doesn't matter, it just makes him snap, because Dean was the one who convinced him in the first place that at the end of it all this quest for revenge would be worth it. He didn't really want to die in that burning house, but a big part of him can't help feeling that it would have been worth it anyway. Abstractly he realizes that it's a good thing Dean is there to keep him from doing anything that stupid, but he can't quite help resenting it regardless. Sam just really needs this whole thing to be over.

 

#### 1x22 (Devil's Trap): Things One is Unprepared to Face

Sam is normally the one whole holds back and makes the smart decisions, but it's clear that he's just not capable of that right now. So Dean has to be the one to step up and do that, so he does. Meanwhile his brother broods sullenly the whole way to Bobby's after trying to get him to admit Dad is probably dead.

Knowing that there's a fair chance that it's true, Dean just can't deal with Meg's crap on top of everything else. He doesn't like that there's some poor girl in there with the demon, but it's probably for the best, because he's not sure what he would do otherwise if exorcism wasn’t an option. Even better, Dean figures there's a fair chance the girl might be able to tell them something once they eject the bitch. He just can't care if it'll kill her, because this is his family they're talking about.

He can't let it matter, which doesn't make him feel any less like crap for it. What kind of a monster does that make him? Dean can't even really let himself feel more than the smallest twinge of relief that the girl was as relieved as he'd hoped to be free of the demon. They didn't know when she'd gone out that window, and it would have been just as awful to leave her stuck as a spectator in her own body so it's not like there were other good choices here. That didn't really matter, though. This is still going to haunt him for a good long time, once he has time to think about anything beyond getting through the next few hours.

When that time does come, he's added another innocent human to his tally and it bothers him intensely that he knows he wouldn't hesitate to do so again. It hurts that one of the very few times in his life his dad ever tries to make him feel good about himself it ignites a suspicion that's confirmed not even a minute later that the praise is really coming from the demon.

He's not really sure what hurts more, that or all the things it says to him after it reveals itself. He calls it away from Sammy because he knows things are bad enough in the kid's head and he doesn't figure it'll have anything much worse to say to him. He forgot how good demons were at getting into your head, so of course he lashes out because that's what he does.

Dean's pretty sure he's not going to live long enough to have to think about any of the things it said, despite the desperate pleas he can't choke back. Dad surprises him though. Then again, he's pretty sure the motivation of still wanting to kill the demon had as much to do with it as anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Although I gave these all an eyeballing after writing, the quick and reactionary nature of what I was going for had me opting not to do multiple, more thorough editing runs. Feel free to let me know if I overlooked any glaring errors, or to let me know what you thought.


	2. Season Two

#### 2x01 (In My Time of Dying): Saying Goodbye

He'd let Dean talk him around, because it was clear his brother was upset at the idea of losing both him and Dad. Sam also recognized that he was being a bit unreasonable in his desire for revenge, even if he still felt it. 

It wasn't until he was looking between his barely conscious brother (who even knew what the demon had done to him?) and his demon-possessed father that he viscerally felt exactly what Dean had meant. Just about everyone in the world he cared about was laying here on the verge of death and suddenly he got just how much it _wasn't really worth it_. In that moment, he is perfectly ready to let go of the whole revenge thing if only they all get out of this.

A rush of pain and fear later, he's in a hospital and his realization may have been for nothing, because Dean is in really bad shape and he can't see that Dad even _cares_. If his dad's not gonna care, he resolves to care enough for both of them. That's right at the front of his mind as he looks over the wreck of the Impala. Even if it's gonna traumatize Dean to see the car like this, Sam is looking forward to it because it will mean Dean is awake and out of the hospital.

Sam can't even _believe_ the crap his father is spouting when he gets back to the hospital. Dean's words about how similar they are ring through his head and in this moment he cannot think of anything worse that could possibly true. How can Dad be thinking about the freakin' demon! The anger is pushed away in the subsequent surge of fear watching medical personnel rushing in the direction of Dean's room.

Sam feels really stupid buying a spirit board, but he knows he felt Dean, and right now he just really needs to talk to his brother. Of course, the conversation they manage to have couldn't go much worse. So maybe dad hasn't come through for them the last year or even been around, but Sam needs to believe that he can make this better. He shouldn't be surprised that John Winchester took off to God knows where for whatever reasons he might think are more important than his dying son.

Then suddenly Dean is awake and perfectly okay in a miracle that Sam barely believes in. It doesn't tamper his anger at dad any, but there's something just not quite right with the man. Combining that with Dean's bad feeling, well, Sam is getting his own bad feeling. It still can't trump the fact that they're all unbelievably alive. 

Until suddenly Dad isn't.

 

#### 2x02 (Everybody Loves a Clown): Acting Out

He doesn't want to think about any of it, so he works on the car. He doesn't really want to do anything else either, but he can already tell Sam is going to be insistent about this. It doesn't hurt that he really is a little curious about Dad saving a message from someone they've never heard of for four months.

Even after they visit the Roadhouse, he's still not sure what the deal with Ellen and Dad was. Of course, they're not really in a position to be turning down help of any kind right now so maybe it's not important beyond her wanting to help. Dean's certainly not sure if Ash will come through or not, but it can't hurt to try and maybe the distraction of a case isn't the worst idea ever.

Especially since Sam seems to want to talk, and that would require either talking about his own feelings, which he just doesn't do, or worse, they'll have to talk about Sam's sudden desire to fulfill all of Dad's wishes now that he's gone. Dean knows he doesn't really want to talk about it, but he can't seem to keep the words from spilling out anyway after Sam makes that remark about going back to school. The kid had a plan, was set all along on getting back to his normal life as soon as it was possible, and even if Dean didn't like where it would leave him, it was what Sam wanted. He couldn't let the nagging suspicion his brother was about to throw that away in some attempt to prove himself to a dead man go without comment despite himself.

He shuts the discussion down as soon as he realizes what he's done. Afterward, he throws himself into the case with intent and does his best to keep any further emotional diarrhea from cropping up. He should have known that would never work, because Sam's all about that shit. He's not proud of blowing up at his brother over it when he keeps nagging Dean to talk about his feelings, but at the same time he thinks maybe it's something that needed to be said. Perhaps it'll even get the kid to stop asking about what Dean's feeling, because that he does not want to think about for more than one reason. Dean had just started to realize that maybe Dad wasn't always right and then he'd gone out with that terrifying final message.

Sam doesn't know everything, but apparently he can see enough. Later, he's going to feel damn stupid for what he's done to the Impala. Baby doesn't deserve to be treated like that. There's just too much going on in his head right now, and he can't talk about it but it's got to come out somehow.

 

#### 2x03 (Bloodlust): Real Monsters

Dean kinda figures that they should have gone looking for that chupacabra two states over. He'd been a bit taken aback when Gordon had made mention of hunters talking so much, because aside from a few people – Bobby, Pastor Jim, Caleb – their dad had kept them away from other hunters.

Dean thought he'd found a kindred soul in Gordon. Another life-long hunter just as dedicated as he is, someone who might give him good advice about how to deal. Sam is great, but the kid will undoubtedly want to go back to school again eventually once he gets past this kick of playing up to their dad's memory. 

It doesn't really matter whether or not Gordon actually killed his sister without blinking. The important thing is that he's convinced himself that he did, and he acts going forward as if his judgment is absolute. Part of Dean wishes the world really was just black and white, but he won't intentionally delude himself like that. When you add in the torture and the recklessness – the man is a monster.

If Gordon is a typical example, no wonder John Winchester wanted his kids nowhere near other hunters.

 

#### 2x04 (Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things): Withering

Sam is really worried about what to do about Dean. He knows that his brother prefers not to talk about his feelings, knows Dean never has been very willing to open up. If he thought Dean was actually dealing with his feelings in a reasonably healthy way, Sam would let it go. Even if Sam really wants someone else to talk to, he would let it go if he thought Dean was really going to be okay.

The problem is that it's becoming increasingly clear that his brother just isn't dealing. Dean is downright chilling with the way he beheads that vampire when they meet Gordon, and then the way he treats the guy like a long-lost friend before they figure out just how dark the hunter is? That was all bad enough, and Sam has to admit he's slightly relieved that there really is a case here instead of Dean just being desperate to not deal. Except then there's something really off about the way he nearly attacks Angela's father, and the intensity of it really seriously scares Sam. He can't let things go on like this because he can't deal with losing Dean, too, and that's what's going to happen sooner or later if something doesn’t change, but he doesn't actually want to get punched in the face again. 

Sam isn't sure what to expect when Dean pulls the car over, but an apology is the last thing he figures on. Yeah, Sam has thought about the coincidence of the timing of Dad's death already, but he can't care. It's not that he's not upset that Dad is dead, but he can't be upset to have Dean back. 

That Dean clearly doesn't feel the same way just hurts beyond words. So does the fact that there really is nothing Sam can say that will make it better for Dean while he chooses to blame himself. He knew his brother was having problems with their father's death, but he didn't expect anything like this. Worse, his brother is right, talking about it won't help, because Dean is stubborn and he's going to continue to believe what he wants to believe.

 

#### 2x05 (Simon Said): Fitting Patterns

There is honestly a part of Dean that really doesn't think Andy is the type. Sure, he is clearly influencing people to get his own way, but it just doesn't seem malicious. The temporary theft of Baby reluctantly included.

Then again, there is a greater part of him that simply needs there to be someone else responsible for this. Max was bad enough, he really doesn't think Sam will handle another kid with strange demon-given powers being a homicidal loony. 

He can't believe that Sam doesn’t see the difference between himself and Andy versus the psycho twin and Max. There is a clear line between killing in defense and protection and doing it for kicks. He wants to believe that Sam is wrong about the demon pushing them all to the breaking point – but that isn't a thing he can actually be sure on.

 

#### 2x06 (No Exit): Lingering Echoes

The last thing Dean wants to do is talk about Dad with anyone. His feelings about the old man are too mixed up at this point for him to even know what he thinks anymore. Still, he owes Jo a return on the honesty and bringing up a clearly sore subject, so he opens up a little. 

So maybe the conversation doesn't convince him that this is really the best option for Jo, being a hunter. He doesn't really see an alternative for himself, but Jo? Still, he can't say he doesn't understand a little more now why she wants to do the job. Which puts him in a position he doesn't really like. He has even less of a reason to justify sending her home now he knows her reasons are more complicated than boredom and idealism. But having her first hunt be for a spirit that goes after girls just like her? Bad idea, clearly a bad idea. Especially when she doesn't take it seriously enough.

When that situation goes south in the most predictable and worst possible way, having Ellen yell at him over it doesn't help at all. They get damn lucky when Holmes decides that Jo is one of the ones to keep alive for a while and they have time to find her before anything permanent happens to her. All in all, it could have really gone worse. 

Until his attempts to smooth things over in the mother-daughter catfight reveals that his dad really did have a special gift for falling out with literally everyone the man ever met. It makes Ellen's ferocious anger at them more understandable, if still unfair. Hunters die on hunts; the job is many things, but safe sure isn't one of them. No matter what happened on that hunt, Dean's pretty sure that his dad would have felt guilty about getting someone's father and husband killed. He just hopes the lingering resentment here isn't going to burn their own bridges with Jo and Ellen.

 

#### 2x07 (The Usual Suspects): Plain Sight

Dean admits that he's perhaps getting a little too much amusement out of his “confession”. The cops obviously think he's completely bullshitting them, but the whole time he's telling nothing but the truth. It's kind of hilarious to him. Hey, if he's got to provide a distraction for Sam, at least he gets to have some fun with it.

Turns out maybe the whole thing wasn't just good fun for him, though, because they get lucky and the spirit's next victim turns out to be one of the cops. Sure, he'd like to think that Sam would have figured something out on his own, but having someone who is starting to believe enough to help them out has got to be a good thing.

 

#### 2x08 (Crossroad Blues): Bad Decisions

Sam doesn't really appreciate Dean's attitude about trying to help these people. Helping people is what they do, it shouldn't matter if they'd done something stupid to need help. He's really surprised when they find the guy who summoned the demon and he agrees with Dean. Of course the guilt of his whole story makes it a little clearer, even if Sam doesn't like that there's nothing they can do. They can't help someone who doesn’t want it.

He hates the way Dean's so confrontational about it, but it isn't until after Evan admits what he made the deal for that he realizes what the real problem is. This is about Dad again, and considering that the very last place he wants Dean to be is a crossroads. His brother has an unfortunate tendency to jump into things and think about them later and he's half afraid Dean will come back with their dad and a lien on his soul.

Somehow the actual outcome is almost worse. Sam wants to believe the demon was lying, but he can't help but agree with Dean it probably wasn't. It only makes sense someone who'd make a deal with a demon would go to hell. He doesn't think Dean will run out to find a crossroads if he came back from this one without making a deal, but it's clear that his brother's mental state is now worse off than ever.

 

#### 2x09 (Croatoan): Endgame

Dean hates it when Sam's right. He knows it would make more sense to just shoot the guy, but he can't bring himself to do it. He is risking them all, but dammit, Sam's right – they don't know for sure. He doesn't want to be a monster and this would be crossing a line.

Maybe it's just as well he didn't shoot the kid, because there is no way in hell he's shooting Sam. He's not leaving him behind either. The truth is, he's been hanging on this long for Sam because that's the only thing he's got left worth living for. If it's over for Sam, it's over. 

Yeah, a lot of it is all of the crap that has happened with Dad dying in his place, but that's not everything. Dean had always said he loves this job and it's not untrue. That doesn't mean there isn't a whole load of crap that comes with it. It's a lonely life, and if you don't have something to fight for – well, that's pretty much when you end up dead. Or so cold that you'd be better off that way.

Then this case with the mystery demon virus comes along, and it's the first time that it really hits him the yellow-eyed demon wants Sam for something and they don't have the first clue how to stop it. Not in the least because they don't have the first clue what it might be after. 

The one thing that seems pretty certain is that it can't be for something good, and he's as likely to lose his brother as not. When it's over for Sam, it's over.

 

#### 2x10 (Hunted): Connections and Dissociation

It's a lie. Gordon is a killer. He's just convinced himself otherwise. It's amazing what self delusion can do for you. Dean feels comfortable enough applying the description to Gordon, but a part of him can't help but worry it also applies to himself.

He can't kill Sam. He doesn't want to believe his brother can become a monster, but worse, he doesn't think he can actually bring himself to do anything about it if he does. Not that he believes for a moment Sam is going to voluntarily lead a demon army anywhere – that's just crazy. 

Dean is sure whatever plans the demon has for Sam and the other kids like him aren't going to be good though. Whatever comes of that, the one thing he does feel sure about is that there's no reason to make a preemptive strike. You can't just decide somebody is going to be a killer and kill them first. 

He's had to wonder lately if maybe some of the things they've killed over the years are innocent. It's not impossible, but as much thought as he's given it, he figures it's fairly unlikely for the simple reason that usually they track something down because they find reports that people are dying. Even if they have made mistakes, they've been honest mistakes. It's pretty damn clear Gordon wouldn't care.

 

#### 2x11 (Playthings): Promises

Dean only promises because he figures Sam's drunk enough not to remember it in the morning. The kid isn't going to let it go and go to sleep otherwise, so he figures it doesn’t hurt to say it. Afterward, though, even if he didn't remotely mean it, he needs a drink to chase away that conversation.

Of course he couldn't be that lucky that Sam would actually forget. Hearing Sam bring it up again gives him a sinking feeling. Dean doesn't want to lie to his brother, but Sam is all he's got left. They're just going to have to figure some way out of this whole mess with the demon that keeps Sam safe.

 

#### 2x12 (Nightshifter): Failure and Consequences

Sam is sick of being unable to keep the bystanders alive. He gets that Dean likes the guy and wants to bring him in on the thing after doing so much work, but Sam's sure that isn't going to end well. It may be a little mean, but that's why he tells Ronald his theories are crazy. 

When the guy shows up at the bank, Sam regrets it. He likes to think he's a pretty smart guy, but this really was stupid to not see coming. If all the previous ridicule had not convinced Ronald that it was all in his head, yet another authority talking down to him wasn't going to do it either. 

Sure, Sam couldn't have predicted that this would be the final straw to push Ronald over the edge, but if he'd realized the connections to the earlier cases, it shouldn't have been a surprise he would come to the same conclusion as they did about this bank being next.

Worse, he'd lied to Ronald in the first place because he didn't want the guy to get hurt. It's so typical of his luck lately that his speech drove the guy to enough desperation to get gunned down by a SWAT team.

 

#### 2x13 (Houses of the Holy): Perspectives

Sam finds himself getting increasingly annoyed with Dean's categorical dismissal of the possibility of angels. With everything that's been going on lately, Sam really needs something to believe in. He doesn't base his beliefs on what Dean thinks, but it does kind of hurt that his brother won't even consider the idea that there might be a force of good out there in the world.

When Dean admits that it all comes back to Mom, it makes a little more sense that he can't believe. If that's his brother's last clear memory of their mother - it doesn't change Sam's mind at all about what he experienced, but it does explain Dean's attitude. Sam is still ready to believe in something greater, something that maybe has reasons for interfering only in certain ways – until Father Gregory does appear, as a clearly deluded spirit. He wanted so badly to believe that maybe God would single him out for redemption, because the more they learn about the demon (and they still know so little) the more he's afraid he needs it. Dean is right, though. As a hunter, you have to go with what you see, not what you want to see, and Sam is left feeling pretty ridiculous for letting his own desires cloud his perceptions.

He's completely ready to face Dean's derision back at the hotel room once Gregory has been convinced to move on. At first, while he's explaining what happened, he figures that Dean is just being considerate because of how clearly upset Sam is. After the ferocity of Dean's earlier skepticism the last thing he expects is to find out that something so profound happened that has left his brother's surety wavering, too.

 

#### 2x14 (Born Under a Bad Sign): No Amount of Pushing

He doesn't know Sam is possessed, but he just can't believe even if his brother was going darkside that it would happen so damn fast. People don't turn evil overnight on their own without any warning signs. Dean just can't believe that, especially of Sam – because, well, because he doesn't want to. Before he flings the holy water, he's just desperately wanting to believe he's not fooling himself by hoping.

When it's all over, he tries to get Sam to understand. This whole fiasco has only made it even more clear that there's pretty much nothing Sam could do that would make him give up on his brother. They're both worried about what's coming, and there's good reason to be. It doesn't matter, though. 

Dean's spent most of his life following Dad's orders, but this one is a step too far. Yeah, he made a promise to Sam, but it was a lie. He's going to save his brother, because there's no other option so far as Dean is concerned.

 

#### 2x15 (Tall Tales): Deceiving Appearances

Working as a hunter, you ended up seeing some pretty friggin' weird things. Dean had been around enough that it wasn't too often they came across anything that turned up as a real surprise. This case, though? None of it made any sense, and then he and Sam got to the point that they couldn't even discuss the thing between them, so the only thing that made sense was to call in Bobby. Dean liked to call Sam an encyclopedia of the weird, but Bobby's knowledge of the supernatural was more like the whole library's worth.

As usual, Bobby knows right off what they're dealing with. It feels a little embarrassing that the two of them didn't realize that they were being messed with until it's pointed out to them. It wasn't unreasonable to think that their time on the road together in such close quarters had just gotten between them. They fought fairly often; it'd be pretty weird if they didn't. They wouldn't disrespect each other like that though, and once Bobby points out that they're being manipulated it's painfully obvious.

Dealing with a demigod is going to require a little more finesse than they usually have to put in, so they come up with a plan. After all, if the guy has been messing with their stuff without them even being able to detect it, it's hard to say just how closely he's watching them.

Dean isn't lying about liking the guy, because he does. If it weren't for the fact that he's killing people, Dean'd be perfectly happy to let him go on screwing with jerks. Still, he can't just let it go; they take care of things that kill people and this guy does.

 

#### 2x16 (Roadkill): Sympathy

Most cases with a ghost, it's pretty damn simple. Figure out where they're buried, salt and burn the bones, and it's all over. This time things are more complicated, because one of the spirits was cremated and the other one's body is missing.

For a lack of better direction, they decide to go out to the highway; the most likely place for Greeley's corpse is somewhere on his lands, and they'll sort out McNamara afterward. At least that's the plan they're going with before a frantic dead woman appears in front of their car and changes things around a bit.

Dean really doesn't expect to feel any sympathy for her. In his experience, spirits are almost never still enough like a person to really be treated as anything but monsters. They tend to be violent, and it seems best not to do anything to upset this ghost like, for example, telling her she's 15 years dead. They don't know how she'll react and they've only got the one night to take care of both of these haunts.

Molly, though, she's just as much an innocent as any of the people they've saved from things. He doesn't know if she's going to a better place or not, he'll leave the hoping about that sort of thing to Sam. What he does know is that the spirits they've seen over the years always become twisted into something not really human. Wherever she's gone, at least that's not something that'll ever happen to Molly, and that's enough to be glad of on its own for him.

 

#### 2x17 (Heart): What's on the Inside

They've never really dealt with a werewolf outside of the part where they're a monster. It's not a creature that they come across very often, so aside from the obvious bits about how to kill them, they don't know a whole lot. The last hunt involving one was when they were kids and that was mostly Dad.

So when Madison claims that she doesn't remember anything, well, Sam's ready to believe her. He just doesn't think that she could be faking innocence as well as she is. He's not surprised that Dean doesn’t believe as easily as he wants to. Sam just really needs to save Madison. He doesn't really want to be drawing parallels between her and himself, but he really can't help it. Both of them have been infected by something they don't want and don't really understand. Just because they can help her, it doesn't mean they can help him, but it'll make Sam feel better. 

He wants to get Madison to hope they'll find something, to put off telling her that they don't know of any good solution to her problem. Dean won't let him, though. He's surprised that Dean is even willing to suggest that she lock herself up instead of just insisting they kill her without asking her opinion.

Madison doesn't have any choice about what she is, and there's nothing they can do to help her. It hurts. Aside from the circumstances, she's no less an innocent than any of the people they normally save from monsters, but there's not a damn thing they can do for her because the monster is inside her. 

The problem is he knows how she feels. Sam is here to finish things for her, to make sure that she can't unwillingly harm anyone else. The problem is he's counting on Dean to be the one to do that for him, and he's just not sure anymore that his brother is actually up for that.

 

#### 2x18 (Hollywood Babylon): Blending In

Sam knew that his brother had always had far more interest in all things media than anything academic. He didn't really expect that Dean would be quite so enthusiastic about being on a film set, though. Neither had he realized that Dean's knowledge of random B horror movies was quite this extensive, but it wasn't really that much of a surprise.

What did surprise him was just how quickly and thoroughly Dean managed to ingratiate himself into the film production's staff. Both that he had done so without anyone objecting and because he'd wanted to do so to begin with.

It's not that he doesn't think his brother is capable. Dean's always been a great hunter, but he hasn't really been willing to put the effort in for much else. So it gets easy to forget that his brother is smarter and less abrasive than he often seems, even for Sam who knows him better than anybody.

It does make Sam wonder a bit what Dean would be doing if their lives were normal. Sam had always had thoughts and dreams about what he'd do when he grew up, but he'd never really thought about what Dean might have before that one offhand comment months ago about wanting to be a fireman as a kid. His brother had always been so gung-ho about hunting as long as he could really remember, that it had never occurred to him to think about Dean doing anything else. Seeing him so easily integrate himself here, well, it just makes Sam wonder again what he doesn't really know about his brother.

 

#### 2x19 (Folsom Prison Blues): Identity

Normally, Sam would say that Dean's sense of loyalty is one of the best things about his brother. Right now, however, he is greatly tempted to change his assessment of that since it's landed them in prison for some random old friend of Dad's. It'd be one thing if they didn't have a whole slew of real and bogus charges against them, but when you consider those, this is one hell of a favor they're doing. 

The longer they're inside this place, the less comfortable he is with the whole situation. It really doesn't help at all that Dean weirdly fits in so well while Sam just constantly feels uncomfortable and wary. Yeah, the two of them do plenty of illegal things, but Sam doesn't ever really think of the himself or his brother as criminals. Seeing Dean blend right in here with people who are exactly that is both plain disconcerting and an ugly reminder of how the rest of the world would see the two of them. That's something he tries to avoid thinking about most days. It's bad enough to be thought crazy, but he and his brother work to save people – it's not fair they get labeled criminals for that.

He doesn't like leaving the job unfinished any more than Dean does, but they are not sticking around long enough to end up in prison for life thanks to Hendrickson. Again, his brother's desire to see things through is normally something he admires, but they can't afford it here. Sam's given up a lot already in going back to hunting, some voluntary and some the last thing from it, but he really can't deal with the potential consequences here on top of that.

Luckily, despite them being completely wrong about who the ghost is it all works out in the end. That's thanks to Deacon and Dean's utterly ridiculous ability to charm women actually working on their lawyer. Still, if they ever see Hendrickson again, it's going to be too soon. Yet Sam can't help but feel that if the guy was this close on their tail, it's kind of inevitable that they will. There's another thing he decides that he'd rather not think about if he can avoid it.

 

#### 2x20 (What Is and What Should Never Be): The Meaning of Dreams

He has to tell Sam something about what he saw, but Dean is never talking about his 'wish' world courtesy of the djinn in too much detail. He'd prefer if he himself didn't even have to think about it, but in the aftermath he can't quite manage to keep himself from dissecting it. It isn't even because having a highlight reel of everything they've lost played through his head is so damn painful.

He couldn't manage to come up with a world where his parents are together. Dean isn't sure what it is; maybe it's because he remembers only too well how volatile his parent's relationship was before Mom died? Of course, it could also be because he has too many issues with Dad right now after everything.

Dean had also always seen suburban life as some kind of nightmare, but when the idea includes Mom being alive, Jess being alive, and Sam being happy? That's the furthest thing from a nightmare, even if it involves mowing lawns and curious neighbors.

Of course, if those were the only issues, it really would be a wish come true. The real problem, however, is that even in his ideal dream world he's a complete fuck up. Everyone constantly assumes he's drunk, and he's apparently done so much crap to Sam that they don't even really talk. Carmen is awesome, but it makes absolutely no sense she'd tie herself to a loser like him and without any history, she's barely even real to him.

Not that him being a fuck up is a surprise, but the part where he can't even let himself enjoy it? His brain has to go and pull in all the people that their family didn't save to ruin the fantasy. Maybe he should be grateful for that, since it is part of what allows him to let go, break out, and gank the son of a bitch screwing with him. Perhaps he should, but instead he can't help but think that there's something really wrong with him that he can't even let himself be happy in a fantasy.

 

#### 2x21 (All Hell Breaks Loose, Part 1): Misconceptions

While it's nice to see Ava and Andy again, Sam knows from the very start that it can't be a good thing. He doesn't know why they all developed powers, but he does know that it was because of the demon, and he's pretty damn sure that therefore it can't be anything good.

Sam does his best to push down his worries for his brother. It's hard, though, especially when his first thought upon seeing Ava is to flash back to the gory remains of her fiance who just had the bad luck to be there when the demon came for her. Dean wasn't right with him, but he wasn't that far away, and whatever is going on he can't allow himself to be distracted by picturing Dean torn up like that. 

He's angry with Ava for giving in to the demon, no matter how long she's been here, and even more angry with Jake when he turns on Sam with even less reason. He can't understand why they're so willing to play the demon's game; whatever it says, whatever promises it makes, the thing is still evil and the right choice is obvious. At least it is to Sam, and he thinks that maybe he can talk Jake down, too, if he tries, but then they're fighting instead. He doesn't want to beat up Jake, but the other man gives him no choice.

He doesn't know what the demon is going to do if he tries to leave before they're down to a single survivor, but he's ready to fight his way out if necessary. Then, out of seemingly nowhere, Sam hears Dean's voice calling his name. 

In that moment, when he sees Dean has come to get him, he's sure everything's going to be okay.

 

#### 2x22 (All Hell Breaks Loose, Part 2): Setting it Right

It's a thing that's snuck up on him gradually; at some point his whole life became a nightmare. Ever since Dean realized Dad had made a deal to keep him alive, he's been hanging on by a very bare thread. That thread has pretty much been named Sam, and he's been terrified of it breaking one way or another.

There's nothing left with Sam gone. The fatigue of constantly hunting, the weight of the responsibility of trying to save people but always getting there after someone has died, the struggle of trying to save Sam as his dad's last words echo in his head, all of it has been slowly crushing him. The only thing making it worth it was having his brother by his side. 

Even when he'd been given a dream world by that djinn, he'd been a disappointment to everyone. Maybe it wasn't some deep statement about how he felt inside, maybe that was just some fundamental truth of the universe. Dean's been a failure in the only thing he had left, and he can't make it right – until he does.

The darkness of his lowest moment is completely counterbalanced by the relief when he comes back to see Sam is fine again. Maybe he'll regret what he's done later, but right now? Right now Dean is sure that he's only made things the way they should be.

It drives him crazy that in the face of that, Sam is trying to rush straight back into danger as fast as he can manage. Sam can't know why Dean's so bothered by that, so he can't really say anything, much as he wants to. Besides, maybe it's not that bad of an idea. Dean can help finish off the demon and then Sam will be free to go on. Yeah, since Dad died, Sam hasn't been thinking straight about what he wants, but Sam can have a real life if he finishes this. The kid can go back to school, become a lawyer like he wanted, find some nice girl, all of it; Sam has always had a life full of potential, unlike Dean. 

He's gonna hold on to that belief, or at least a version of it. Despite the fact they just allowed a crap load of demons out of hell that Sam will want to help take care of. Despite what the demon whispered to him about whether or not Sam is actually all Sam. Despite Sam figuring out he made a deal regardless of Dean's best efforts to hide it. Demons only lie when the truth won't hurt worse and right now he's remembering what the demon said the last time they confronted it; Dean needs his family more than they've ever needed him and right now, that's for the best.


	3. Season Three

#### 3x01 (The Magnificent Seven): Sinking In

Watching that cloud of demon smoke thrash its way off into the sky at the devil's gate, Sam had known it was going to be bad. It isn't until they're all facing down the seven deadly sins that he realizes just how bad. The seven deadly sins are real, demons, and free in the world because of them.

That's only the start, because there are hundreds more demons in the world today than there were yesterday. Worse, it's already clear that there are going to be plenty of them that are stronger or have abilities that they've never seen before. On top of all that, there's going to be plenty of hunters that blame them for letting it happen, like Isaac and Tamara.

Going into a demon war this outmatched is bad enough, but Sam is doing it on the heels of the realization that his brother only has a year to live. Worse, it's because of him. Sam thinks that's as bad as it can possibly get, but then Dean has to go and admit they can't even try and get him out of it because that's part of the deal, too. At least Dean admits that it's selfish.

 

#### 3x02 (The Kids Are Alright): Misdirection

Sam is actually kind of glad that Dean is so focused on his list of hedonistic final wishes. It makes it easier to get around him. Dean's deal may say that he can't try and get out of it, but that is not going to stop Sam from trying to fix it.

He can research from anywhere, so if Dean wants to pretend there's a case to hook up with some random woman, it works for him. So Sam is quite surprised when it turns out there actually is a case to investigate.

Not nearly so surprised as he is by how what Ruby has to say about his mother pans out. They'd investigated the other kids that had nursery fires, and none of them had backgrounds like this. His mother's whole circle of acquaintances was wiped out in suspicious circumstances.

He finds that more surprising than that Ruby is a demon. After all, there had to be some reason she would know so much more about Sam's family than he did. Demons are always in it for themselves, it's just a matter of figuring out their angle. He doesn't know what hers is, and he knows he shouldn't trust her, but he has to follow up on any lead that might save Dean. Sam will be wary, but she's done more to help him so far than he ever would have expected so maybe he can hope that whatever it is that she's after, it will continue to involve helping him out.

 

#### 3x03 (Bad Day at Black Rock): Locked Away

It's strange that neither he nor Dean ever thought about it much before, but it makes sense that dad had to have done something with the cursed items he'd run across. They weren't really common, but enough so he'd written about them in the journal, and enough so that Sam knew it was often a perilous undertaking to try and actually destroy one. Still, he hadn't really thought about it.

What's far more strange, and definitely surreal, is finding things like his old trophy and Dean's old sawed off in amongst the scattered hunter junk. Sam was glad he'd had a chance to have those few reasonably congenial conversations with dad before he'd died, and had gotten a much more balanced perspective on what was going on in the man's head. He'd always wondered if dad even noticed the things he and Dean did when they didn't result in the two of them getting into trouble, and for the longest time he'd been sure his dad was greatly disappointed in him. Dad had said differently near the end, but it was one thing to hear it from someone who loved you enough to lie and another to find dusty evidence of it being completely true in an old storage locker.

 

#### 3x04 (Sin City): Defining Evil

Dean hasn't really had a lot of interactions with demons that didn't involve sharp implements. Then again, before the devil's gate was opened, Dean hadn't really had all that many interactions with demons period, really.

The point was, he'd never really sat down and had a long conversation with one. It doesn't go anything like he would have assumed it would had he thought about it. Not only does he find himself interested in what the demon in Casey is saying, he finds himself actually weirdly liking talking to her, even liking her a little bit maybe.

He knows he shouldn't, because she's a demon and a demon is evil. Still, she makes good points, he can't deny that. Sure, demons are good at messing with your head, but surely she couldn't have expected he'd have let her go just because they had a civil conversation? Surely she didn't expect to gain anything from asking her demon partner to stop strangling Dean? If she was manipulating him by either of those things, Dean doesn't see where it would have gained her anything.

He actually regrets Sam killed her, not that he'd let the others know that, but he does. Dean tries to convince himself that is the only reason Sam's shooting both of them and their hosts like that felt so cold-blooded. Especially coming as it did from his normally bleeding-heart brother. Yet would he have really cared if they hadn't been talking for hours? All Dean knows is that he's got too many questions lately having to do with demons, Hell, and his brother.

 

#### 3x05 (Bedtime Stories): Letting Go

Yeah, Dean's over-protectiveness really, seriously gets on his nerves sometimes. Never more so than right now, as Sam's trying to threaten this demon into telling him something that will get his brother out of going to hell for him.

That doesn't make anything that it's saying true, though. Even if you could put aside the part where Dean is going to hell because of Sam, it wouldn't change anything. Sam loves his brother even when Dean is being completely annoying. He's not protesting too much because what the demon is saying is remotely true, he's pissed off that she dares to talk about his brother that way.

Dean's wrong, his situation is nothing like the father and daughter pair at the hospital. If the girl's haunting people, there's no way to rejoin her spirit and her body – it's just a creepy artifact of modern medicine her body is still technically alive. The only thing for them to do was let go. Dean is a walking, talking, swaggering, cursing, flippant pain in Sam's ass, and Sam is going to do everything he can to hold on tight.

 

#### 3x06 (Red Sky at Morning): Perspectives

Dean really doesn't get Bella. It's not that he can't understand wanting money, or even taking advantage of people. The lives that he and Sam lead aren't entirely legal, after all.

Still, the way Bella does it seems so much more of a personal screwing over than credit card scams or bar game hustling. The people who stumble into the supernatural by accident are usually entirely defenseless against it. So maybe he can understand not wanting to jump into the danger of battling it for others, but he can't really understand actively screwing people or how derisive she is of his and Sam's efforts.

Maybe their lives aren't the best, but they save people, and even as little respect as he has for Bella, being compared to serial killers? Dean can't say he doesn't like killing things, but the fact they save people is the thing that makes getting through the day worth it.

Of course, at the end of their little adventure with her and the dead sailors, maybe he's just as happy not to get Bella. Because someone who finds it easier to drop twenty grand rather than say two little words? He may be damaged, but that's a whole other level of messed up. Even beyond the big question mark of what family member she killed and why.

 

#### 3x07 (Fresh Blood): Creeping Infections

Dean doesn't regret them killing Gordon, not at all. He wanted to gank the son of a bitch last time they met up with the hunter. He's not entirely okay with Sam being okay with it, though. Well, before they realized he'd gone at gotten himself vamped.

It's just one more thing that keeps Azazel's last words about Sam running through his head. Did Sam come back wrong somehow? Dean doesn't want to believe that's so, and he figures that there are plenty of other justifications for the way Sam's been behaving since he came back: clear stress from Dean's looming deal, more and more time spent as hunters, not feeling like they can save everyone. There are reasons that Sam's idealistic streak could be wearing away beyond something actually being wrong.

Unfortunately, Dean can't help but wonder of those are all just excuses to avoid seeing what's really happening. It doesn't matter, though. He already knows that he can't go on without Sam. He just hopes he doesn't have to get to a point where he has to choose between watching his brother go dark side or stopping it by killing them both.

 

#### 3x08 (A Very Supernatural Christmas): Belief

Sam can't allow himself to think this may really be his last Christmas with Dean. He doesn't even want to admit to the possibility, so he'd rather just pretend the holiday isn't even happening.

Yeah, he's been annoyed with Dean all along for being completely flippant about going to hell, and Sam really wanted him to stop faking it. At first he was glad, after that talk they had about it, that Dean accepted that Sam wasn't buying it and was bothered by his attitude. Except now Sam isn't sure that Dean's resigned acceptance without the feigned bravado on top isn't just as painful.

However, as the holiday comes ever closer, Sam finds his perspective shifting. He's done his fair share of hiding from truths he doesn't want to face over the years, but he's also mostly a realist. The fact is, with this much time since Dean's deal having already passed with absolutely no leads, this really may be Dean's last Christmas. As much as the thought of remembering the holiday in that bleak light for years to come hurts already, remembering that he denied his brother his last chance to celebrate the holiday isn't going to be any more pleasant.

Sam isn't giving up hope that they can still find some way out of the deal – not at all. He's just realized that maybe it can't hurt to let Dean celebrate the time he has left as if it is limited.

 

#### 3x09 (Malleus Maleficarum): Unexpected Consequences

Sam's not wrong about how he felt about Casey. In theory, he should be willing to extend the same lack of hatred towards Ruby, should even be more willing to do so. She has helped them out several times now: killing the sin demons, fixing the Colt, and now saving his life. Then there's her whole sob story about remembering being human, and the fact that she does come clean with him about the inevitability of his deal.

Problem is, there's just something about her that Dean doesn't trust. Yeah, she started their association by not telling Sam she was a demon, and continued it by lying about knowing some way to get Dean out, but it's not just that. Maybe he is being paranoid, and maybe she's earned a little trust with them. It's not like Dean's never been wrong about someone before, and he doesn't have any clear reason for not trusting her anymore, really.

It bothers him that she and Sam echo each other, talking about getting ready for the war. When he made the deal for Sam, he'd naively thought that the two of them would just have to use his year to get rid of the yellow-eyed demon. After that, Sam could go back to having the normal life he'd always wanted, because Sam was strong enough to move on and normal enough to do normal. Then the hell gate opened and there were hundreds of demons walking the earth and it was close enough to their fault that Sam wasn't going to walk away. So yeah, he hates that Sam and Ruby are on the same page, but he hates it more that he's got the feeling they're not wrong.

Dean had thought he understood the consequences of what he was doing when he'd made the deal, but he's starting to think that he didn't really have any more idea than those book club women of what the consequences could be. Despite that, he still wouldn't take it back if he could.

 

#### 3x10 (Dream a Little Dream of Me): Trauma In the Head

Going into Dean's dreamworld is disconcerting. Sure, his brother has been talking about being tired and wanting out for a while now, but Sam didn't really believe it was true.

Then he walks into Dean's head and they're confronted with a normal life fantasy first thing? It's not at all what he was expecting. He's not surprised that Dean is embarrassed, he's just surprised that this is clearly part of what Dean was afraid of him seeing.

It makes him really, really curious as to what else is in Dean's head after they get separated. Yeah, it was more important that someone take care of the killer. Still, as much as Sam knows his brother better than anyone, that's still not the same thing as knowing what's going on in Dean's head. He can't help wishing he'd gotten a longer look, even if he feels a little guilty for wanting to pry. Especially when Dean comes out with a sudden admission that he does want to get out of the deal right after the dream walking experience.

That guilt is why he lies about having seen anything. He's sure that Dean can write off his being there in the beginning as just another part of the dream world. He doesn't want his brother to have to feel embarrassed or put on a show like Sam is sure he will do if he knows Sam was really there.

 

#### 3x11 (Mystery Spot): In Reverse

Sam knows what the trickster was trying to get him to learn from this whole sorry excuse, he probably would have figured it out even if the guy hadn't explicitly said so. The trickster thinks he needs to learn to let Dean go, admit that nothing can be done to save him. Why some stupid, malicious demigod gives a crap, Sam doesn't have a clue.

The trickster just doesn't remotely understand anything about him or Dean, though. If he did, he'd have known beforehand that this never was going to work the way he meant. The only thing all those Tuesdays and the extra six months have taught Sam is an extra level of desperation. He has to find a way to save Dean even more now. As much as their lives can suck now, living this life without his brother is a million times worse. The only thing they've got left is each other, so he has got to hang on even tighter and find some way to fix this. That's all there is to it.

 

#### 3x12 (Jus In Bello): Questions of the Just

While Ruby is talking, he doesn't say anything, but the demon bitch is wrong. They still saved some townspeople. Yeah, Dean wishes like hell they could have done something to save those at the police station, but they had no way of knowing that Lilith would bother to come along afterward just for the bystanders. In the same way they've never seen an all-out attack before, the attack in the aftermath was just as new and even more ugly.

So maybe a few more people would have lived if they'd gone with her spell, and they were people that Dean liked and wished like hell they had lived - but that's not the point that really matters. There is a difference between killing someone and failing to save them. He feels bad for those that died, but Ruby's a demon and she thinks like a demon. Ruby's plan would have them be murderers, while theirs at least had a chance of working out without becoming monsters.

It's war out there now, but if they change so much as to be no better than the demons themselves – no. It ain't worth it, and he's not going to let that happen to Sammy, even if it might save a few more people here and there.

 

#### 3x13 (Ghostfacers!): Preparedness

The journal has a short list of things that only occur infrequently that no one has quite gotten around to dealing with. The Morton House is one of the last really huge ones still lingering on that list. Dean's gone far enough to admit that he doesn't want to go to hell and is right on board with Sam in actively looking for some way out of it – but that doesn't mean that he's given up on scratching a few things off his bucket list. They do only have two months left, so he's got to face the fact that there just may be nothing they can actually do.

Of course, Dean is regretting the hell out of deciding to tackle this thing the second Sam disappears. It's one thing for him to go downstairs because he made a deal to save Sam and Sam is still up here alive and kicking. Dean isn't willing to deal with going to hell without it having bought Sam more than most of another year. He's just barely keeping himself from freaking out because if he does, he knows these yahoos with cameras are going to do so ten times worse and he can't afford that right now if there's any chance of saving Sam.

When it's all over, he does kinda regret having to erase their footage. Yeah, the group is a bunch of dumb-asses and he's not convinced they won't just manage to get themselves killed 'facing' some other haunting somewhere. Still, they did do a pretty cool job putting everything together into a show, he'll give them that. The ghost stuff could be put off by most of the public as effects and trickery, but the fact that Sam and Dean are appearing on tape while supposedly dead wanted criminals? That part can't be allowed to stay recorded.

 

#### 3x14 (Long-Distance Call): No Chick-Flick Moments

He feels bad in the aftermath about all the yelling matches with Sam. In hindsight, he realizes that it was desperation as much as anything that made him so willing to believe he was actually talking to dad. And that dad could actually fix a mess this big, despite the fact he couldn't when he was alive, either.

The problem is at this point they really have asked pretty much everyone, and no one has any useful answers about how to get him free of this deal. He's felt a lingering sense of approaching doom to one degree or another since the moment he made the deal, but after he actually admitted to Sam that he wanted out? Somehow saying it has made things so much worse. Not hiding his panic seems to have made it feel free to escalate to whole new levels.

He hates admitting that, but Sam said he didn't want him to hide it anymore, and he owes his brother something for all the crap he gave him. He doesn't let the moment go on any longer than he has to, though.

 

#### 3x15 (Time Is On My Side): Mortal Concerns

He's a little pissed at Sam for tricking him into looking into this case. Whatever it is the guy is using to be immortal, it can't be good. Yeah, Dean's faith in their dad's judgment has taken a whole hell of a lot of hits in the last couple of years, but if the Doc wasn't evil, dad wouldn't have tried to gank him. The trail of bodies he's been leaving should be enough of an indication that this thing is bad news.

Then again, there's nobody more stubborn than John Winchester except maybe Sam Winchester. His brother isn't going to accept that immortality isn't the answer until he sees more concrete evidence of the bad mojo that has got to be involved here. Dean can see that, and that's why he takes off to go deal with the lead on Bella without dragging Sam behind.

Which is why he's pretty darn surprised when Sam says the formula is actually black-magic free. Of course, he doesn't have much time to think about that in the rush of fear when he hears Sam getting kidnapped over the phone.

He'd hoped that Sam would catch on at some point how bad of an idea this was without Dean having to say anything. Dean had hoped that the only reason he hadn't yet was out of the same type of desperation that was trying to creep up on Dean all the time now. Except Sam doesn't seem to get it. He drops the issue, yeah, but Dean can tell that it's only because Dean refuses, not because he realizes it's wrong.

He doesn't like it, but lately Dean had been really wondering where the hell his brother's head is at. Listening to Ruby – culminating in that sacrificing virgins crap back at that police station – and now this? He doesn't think that Sam is going evil, well, at least not in some overt, sudden way. It's not any better if it happens by baby steps, though. As if there isn't already enough to worry about with his deal coming due so very soon now.

 

#### 3x16 (No Rest for the Wicked): The Beginning of the End

They've managed to get themselves out of so many deadly situations by now. Even though Sam is extremely worried about Dean's deal coming due, he still expects that they'll manage to pull off a last minute Hail Mary. That's what they do, after all.

He didn't even realize just how much faith he had in them being able to get out of it somehow until everything is over and he's left staring down at Dean's still-warm body. It registers when his primary emotion is more shock than grief for longer than it takes Bobby to find him. Just him, because Dean is gone now, and not just gone, but in hell.

He should have killed Jake. Sam is sure of that now, that this all traces back to that mistake. Back then, he was still wanting to pretend to be normal, to treat every life as some sacred thing. With all the demons they've had to get rid of since the hell gate opened and how the majority of their hosts were already dead, Sam's moved past that. It's a harsh world they live in and sometimes you have to make the hard, ugly choices. If he'd killed Jake back then, he'd have walked out of Cold Oak and Dean would have never made the deal and wouldn't be lying here dead now.

So that idealism has got to go. There's still a war on, and Dean wanted him to keep fighting it, to take these evil sons of bitches out. Therefore that's what Sam's going to do, and he's going to do whatever it takes to accomplish that.


	4. Season Four

#### 4x01 (Lazarus Rising): Lies, Truths, and Ambiguity

The lie is out almost before Sam's thought about it, and he's left internally cursing himself for adding the bit on the end about it being Dean's 'dying wish' as soon as it's out of his mouth. It's not that he really wants to lie to his brother about his powers, but Dean has always been wary of them and eventually any discussion of it is going to lead back to Ruby. Dean outright hates Ruby.

Sam knows his brother well enough to know that the second he mentions her being his mentor in the newest uses of his powers, Dean will be entirely against the whole thing. No matter how much good he's doing by using them to try and save people. He'll tell Dean eventually, he just has to figure out some way to make him listen.

Besides, it's pretty clear that they've all got bigger problems right now. Whatever the hell this thing is that pulled Dean out, it's bad news. Worse, this is not the sort of favor you get for free. It's not that Sam wouldn't have paid any price he was asked to get his brother back – he'd _tried_ and no one was offering – but being left in the dark at the mercy of something even the demons were terrified of? He couldn't see what the price was and that scared him because after these months without his brother, Sam wasn't sure he could take much more loss.

 

#### 4x02 (Are You There, God? It's Me, Dean Winchester): Unhappy Truths

It's not so much that Dean doesn't really believe – the fact that the thing was immune to pretty much everything was enough of an argument and that was before Bobby's books said there were no alternate explanations. The fact is he doesn't want it to be true, not at all. He doesn't want to believe there are forces of good that aren't doing crap for the world. He has even less enthusiasm for the idea that they have a very specific interest in him.

Yeah, Dean knows he's saved some people, and he doesn't think he's the worst person ever. The most he's ever hoped for is that the good stuff he does manages to balance out all the other shit. He's certainly not a good enough guy to draw the attention of angels, though, c'mon!

Having all of his failings shoved in his face by the ghosts of all the people they couldn't save? That really doesn't help his conviction that this has to be some kind of a mistake. On top of all those failings he really doesn't want to think about, Castiel shows up to make everything that much worse.

He had no idea what to expect when the thing had told him that there was work for him. Even if he'd tried to figure it out, trying to stop the apocalypse while under threat of being tossed back into hell by some dick? That wouldn't have entered into it. All of this is just far too big for him.

 

#### 4x03 (In The Beginning): Playing Games

The very worst thing she can think of is for her children to be raised in the life like she was. Just – wow. Dean had never really expected that his mom would have approved of their living as hunters, especially as so much of it had been a mission of revenge. He'd had no idea, though, that her disapproval was quite this specific and it hurts more than it should.

To make things worse, somehow Dean finds himself being the one that brings his mother to Azazel's attention. He doesn't really know how this whole time travel thing works. They wouldn't have known to go out to that house if Dean hadn't told them the demon was going to be there. Now that he's here, is he the reason the whole thing happened all along? Or did it all happen some other way the first time around, since the demon was clearly scouting the local area? He'd like to think it was the latter, but he's afraid it's the former instead. So it kinda looks like the whole family curse thing? His fault. That's just great.

Also? Castiel is a dick. Sending him back in time telling Dean he could stop it all when the son of a bitch knew that things wouldn't be changed was just cruel. Maybe with the intention of making Dean cause it all, for all he can tell. Yeah, Azazel's endgame is a mystery to everybody, apparently, but Dean doesn't know what the angels are playing at, either.

 

#### 4x04 (Metamorphosis): Trust and Monsters

Dean's still feeling pretty disoriented from being dropped into the past when he goes to find Sam, not sure what he's going to find, other than that he probably won't like it. It's not like Dean particularly likes or trusts Castiel, but he's pretty sure when an angel tells you to stop your brother from what he's doing? It's gotta be some pretty dire crap.

What he doesn't quite expect is just exactly how extensive Sam's chain of lies is. Not only is he using his powers, not only has he developed a whole new set of them, Ruby's not dead and he's been hanging out with her this whole time. That's not even the end of it, because Sam already knew about the demon blood. Then the kid has the audacity to suggest that Dean should just take his word about _anything_.

It's not that Dean thinks his brother is stupid, exactly. Sam has never been stupid, but there are plenty of things that he doesn't think through and he is far too eager to look for the bright side in a line of work that usually doesn't have one. He can't really say anything more after Sam has that meltdown about trying to make things right because he's got something evil inside, but he can't help but stand by his original assertion: if Sam really thought that what he's doing is right, then why did he lie?

Yeah, he says that it's because Dean would be judgmental, but Dean doesn't buy that. Sam has always stubbornly done whatever Sam wanted to do, everyone else be damned. Point of fact? When Dean tries to get him to talk, Sam doesn't want to talk, so they don't. Sam declares he's done with using his powers – but at this point, Dean can't feel that's really worth anything.

After all, wasn't Sam's whole argument that he was doing good? If he really believed that, if he had truly believed there was nothing wrong with what he was doing, he wouldn't stop. If that was a lie, again, how can anything he says about it be trusted? All Dean knows is that he just can't trust Sam anymore, but he doesn't want to be anywhere but with his brother and the conflict between those two things is killing him.

 

#### 4x05 (Monster Movie): Normality

Time was, Sam found his brother's ridiculous antics when confronted with a pretty woman incredibly annoying. Watching him all but drool over the waitress, Jamie, now is something of a different story. He can't find it anything but amusing, really, because it's one of the best indications he's had so far that Dean is doing okay.

All the stress about lying about his powers and Ruby and dealing with the apocalypse and Dean's being stalked by an angel – it's been hard. Even if Dean doesn't remember hell, there's been a lot of adjustments, and they haven't been easy ones.

So it's been good to see Dean acting his regular self. He's missed it more than he ever would have thought before he lost Dean. He'd been a bit dismissive of the idea of going on a plain old monster hunt, but Sam has to admit his brother was really right about this one. It felt good to handle something simple.

 

#### 4x06 (Yellow Fever): Not So Funny Now

At first, Sam finds the way Dean's acting a little strange, before they know what's going on. After Bobby suggests that it's ghost sickness, it's kind of funny. His older brother has always had a tendency to pretend not to be afraid of much of anything, and seeing him so jumpy, well, once the whole thing is over Sam is sure he's going to have some grade A prime teasing material for _years_.

Except the longer it goes on, the more it starts interfering with their ability to do the job and the more serious he realizes it is. Sure, they'd gone off to the mill during the daytime, so there was less spirit activity likely, but Dean had just run off and left him. If it had been a serious situation, Sam would have been in real trouble, and that's just not something his brother would ever do. Then there's the thing with the badges, which is followed by Dean's complete meltdown after they finish questioning their lead.

After that ends with him taking off, Sam doesn't really have any choice but to leave him in the motel and call Bobby for help. He can't afford to focus on anything but finding some way to stop the ghost sickness at the source, because they're running out of time. Sam wasn't infected, but he's starting to feel some fear of his own as they end up down to the wire on time with nothing but a cobbled together plan.

Of course it's a huge relief that they took care of the ghost in time, but Sam knows that they had to have been cutting things pretty darn close. Which leaves him wondering just what it is that Dean was hallucinating near the end, because it had to have been pretty bad for his brother to make up such a crap lie about it. Dean says he doesn't remember hell, but that doesn't mean he wasn't hallucinating things about it. Sam thinks it would be nice if just once Dean would actually talk about things.

 

#### 4x07 (It's the Great Pumpkin, Sam Winchester): Talking to Angels

Dean feels a little bad for Sam. He'd been surprised when Sam had revealed that he had faith back when it had first come up with Father Gregory, the spirit who'd thought he was an angel. He'd felt bad that time, too, when Sam's faith was shaken and done his best to be sympathetic despite his own lack of belief.

He hadn't missed how enthusiastic Sam was when Dean had first met Castiel and they'd all learned for sure that angels existed. Dean, of course, hadn't been nearly so impressed, and was even less so when Castiel showed up shortly after to threaten to toss him back into hell. Again, though, he hadn't wanted to belittle or diminish Sam's faith any more than necessary while working through his own wishful denial. Besides, after hell, maybe it wasn't fair to judge the angel for the way he was being treated, all things considered.

This time, however, he can't really do anything to protect Sam from the realization that angels are dicks. Even Dean didn't expect the meeting to go as completely bad as it did. Calling Sam the 'boy with the demon blood' or whatever, who says crap like that? Castiel was bad enough, but his smite-happy condescending shadow almost manages to make that douche seem personable.

After the whole thing with Samhain goes down, he really expects to get crap from the angels for it, so he's really surprised when Castiel shows up and manages to seem almost human after all the unquestioning obedience crap he was spouting before. It's not enough to make Dean like the guy, not really, but it might be enough to warrant a little of that respect he tried to demand before.

 

#### 4x08 (Wishful Thinking): Can't Always Get What You Want

The thing is, Uriel didn't tell him anything he hadn't already suspected. Dean has never really been one to talk about his problems, and he's always been more inclined to shrug them off or drink through them than admit they exist to anyone else. Nightmares also aren't anything new. Considering their lives, they have more to deal with than normal people do, so there are going to be signs of strain.

This has been different, though. _Dean_ has been different since he came back from hell. Occasional drinking and wakings in the middle of the night from things he won't talk about have become pretty regular. So Sam has suspected there's something worse than normal lurking, and after his brother's been to hell, what else could it be?

Still, Sam had hoped that it was some kind of subconscious thing, not this. Both because he's hurt that Dean would tell a bold-faced lie while looking him in the eye and because hell has got to be – well, hell. No one should have to remember that.

Sam likes to think he's getting smarter about how to handle his brother these days, and one thing he's learned is that you can't make Dean talk about anything he doesn't want to. Dean is certainly an emotional person and sometimes he does need to get things out, but he never does it on anybody's time table but his own. Sam just wishes that there was anything he could do to help. The best thing he can hope for is to get back at Lilith for what she's done to his brother and hope revenge and time will be enough to fix Dean.

 

#### 4x09 (I Know What You Did Last Summer): Gaining Trust

Sam tells a pretty story about Ruby being on their side, and Dean is starting to feel like maybe he could possibly be the one in the wrong here. It does seem like Sam kind of fell apart without him until Ruby came back. At least that's how the story Sam tells paints it. Plus, she did give them a real lead on Anna and help them out with hiding the girl.

Somehow it just doesn't mean anything to Dean though. He doesn't trust Ruby, he just can't. Maybe it really is that he just refuses to trust a demon in any circumstance, but he thinks it goes deeper than that. Sam is the smart, well-educated one; Dean relies on his instincts to make decisions. His instincts tell him he cannot trust Ruby and he can't get past that. He doesn't know what her game could be, but Dean has always been leery of Sam's powers and Castiel reinforcing that they're bad has only convinced him further. Yeah, the angels are dicks, but they're freakin' angels. That would pretty much make them experts on what's evil. Therefore Ruby telling Sam to use those powers? It has to be some kind of a ploy.

Maybe he's in the wrong. The one thing he feels pretty darn sure of is that Sam is never going to listen to him on this point. So he'll let it go and he'll make an effort of playing nice, at least as far as he can make himself do so, because he doesn't really see any other good option here. Besides, Dean is back now, so there's not much she can really do to lead Sam astray without Dean knowing about it.

 

#### 4x10 (Heaven and Hell): Angelic Perspective

Dean's expectations of the angels started out pretty low from the moment he actually started to believe they really were angels. When they come bursting into the barn and want to kill poor, confused Anna? There's a whole new low, which pretty much negated any positive feelings he might have started having towards Castiel after their little talk about hammers.

Talking to Anna is so, so much easier, even if she doesn't know why heaven is so hot on him. She also has some really interesting things to say about angels and their perspective on things. Even when Castiel was talking about doubt, he'd made it seem like a minor surface thing about one decision here and there. Not about the big stuff like _God_. The dude was always so cold and removed he might as well be a freakin' statue, but Anna is a real person.

Given that, Uriel telling him that Castiel likes him just plain weirds him out. How does the guy treat people he doesn't like? Then again, if Anna is right, angels don't really properly have emotions – at least not the same way humans do. Hell, at least he's more pleasant to deal with than Uriel, and anybody's better than Alistair. It's enough of a reason to help the guy out in the big boss fight, even if the plan was to just get out of the way.

 

#### 4x11 (Family Remains): Better Left In the Dark

Sam had really wanted Dean to talk about hell; he'd figured his brother needed to get it out somehow. He'd been willing to back off and give Dean space to do it in his own time, but now Sam is kind of regretting that Dean has finally given in and started talking. Because the things he has to say are only making Sam feel worse.

After what Uriel said about Dean remembering hell in such a smug way, he'd suspected there was something more to the whole thing than Dean simply being traumatized by the sheer awfulness of it. When Dean admits that he started torturing others down there, well, it's both shocking and not at the same time. It explains why he's so upset and it also explains why people who go to hell eventually come back up as demons. Sam can understand why Dean feels bad about it, but he is also removed enough that he can see that Dean is blaming himself too much for simply being human.

At least that's how he feels until after they leave the house and that poor, unlucky family behind and Dean has more to say on the subject. To hear his brother claim he's worse than those animalistic siblings makes Sam want to protest, but the revelation that Dean doesn't just remember initiating the torture on others but remembers enjoying it freezes the words in his throat.

Not because he agrees with Dean – despite what his brother thinks, his actions weren't really so much worse. They were spurred on by thirty years of nonstop torture beyond anything that could be done to a person on earth. The siblings were cruel and violent because they didn't know any better, but Dean had been severely broken down in a more intensive fashion, and both were just lashing back in a way that fit the circumstances. Obviously demons had to pick up the sadism somewhere along the way. Which is the part that actually bothers Sam so much. He can't avoid the sudden question of just how close his brother came to becoming a demon before he was rescued.

From the little Ruby and Dean were willing to say, Alistair was the go to guy for torture down there. Now maybe he was just messing with them because, well, demon. Yet the things he'd said to Dean, about them being so close in hell and how he'd showed promise? It bothers Sam a lot more than he wants to think about. His brother is a good person, mostly, but Sam knows better than to believe that he can convince Dean of that after what he did and how close he may have come to becoming one of the monsters.

 

#### 4x12 (Criss Angel Is a Douche Bag): Illusions and Truth

Somehow, in the course of this case, Ruby and Dean both end up telling him the same thing. He doesn't think they'd agree, but it's true.

Ruby wants him to be willing to do anything to stop this apocalypse, even things that just feel wrong. He wants to argue, wants to believe that it's not necessary, but she's right. They're facing the _apocalypse_ and whatever the angels are doing, it's not nearly enough. Sam isn't even sure it could ever be enough. From what Dean said that Castiel told him, there are more potential seals than angels on earth, and Lilith can pick and choose as she likes. He and Dean are going to have to stop this themselves, and Sam is the one that has special powers. How else are they supposed to fight the forces of hell when there are demons like Alistair wandering topside? If the demon hadn't let them go during the Anna debacle, they'd be dead now.

Likewise, Dean has a point. If they don't do something big, they're going to die sooner rather than later. Sam hasn't really let himself look that far into the future ever since Jess died, because he can't really see anything ahead but hunting. The way they're going, the best they could hope for is to end up like a pair of Bobbys, and well, Sam loves Bobby like a second father, but that doesn't mean he wants to be him. Especially because the most likely outcome is that one of them is going to end up like Jay, bitter and alone after losing everyone important to him.

All of this together is clearly telling him he's been fooling himself about a lot of things, naively avoiding looking too close at the uglier truths. Now that he's seen it, Sam feels like he has to do something about it. He doesn't want to be hunting when he's old, and he wants the opportunity to someday complain about getting old, for him and for Dean. If he's going to get that, he's going to have to work for it and do some things he doesn't like. It'll be worth it, though.

 

#### 4x13 (After School Special): Lasting Impressions

It's so weird how much influence one moment that you barely remember can have on someone else's life. The idea of it isn't a new concept to Sam at all. He and Dean travel around saving people from monsters, and for a lot of those people, those events probably rank amongst the most clear memories of their lives. For the Winchester brothers, they're lucky if they remember the people's names, because to them it's just another day at work.

This isn't quite the same, though. Sam had a huge impact on Dirk's life, but Sam's memories of him are significantly fuzzier. The kid bullied him and he fought back, it wasn't the only time that happened in his life. Yet coming back afterward, it turns out that minor incident of him spouting a nickname made up in the heat of the moment haunted that kid until he killed himself. Usually he at least knows that he's making an impact, even if he knows that it isn't impacting him in the same way.

He also finds himself on the opposite end of the spectrum with his old teacher. He's kind of surprised the guy even remembers the story he wrote at all. The guy was the first one who ever gave Sam the idea that he could really get out of the family business. It didn't work out, but those were some of the best years of his life, so he can't regret them now. Besides, it's not like either he or the teacher knew that the major decisions of his life weren't going to be made by him _or_ his father, but through the machinations of demons.

 

#### 4x14 (Sex and Violence): Clarity Under the Influence

The problem is, Dean was telling the absolute truth under the siren's song. It was something like being drunk – it didn't make you lie so much as blurt out all the shit you were normally so careful to keep hidden. It didn't even really make him exaggerate. Dean _doesn't_ think he can really trust Sam. Sam lied about Ruby being back around, he lied about using his powers, and he's lying about keeping in touch with Ruby now. That's just the shit Dean actually knows about.

So he doesn't believe for a minute that Sam isn't also lying about meaning every single thing he said while under the siren's influence himself. Yeah, it hurt a bit to have all that thrown in his face, but it wasn't really a surprise. It's never mattered how much he did for Dad or Sam, it's never been enough. He's too stupid, too slow, or just plain screws things up all too often. Just because he and Sam have been working together for a while now doesn't mean that would have changed any. There are plenty of hunts it'd be stupid to attempt without a partner, even one as dumb and incompetent as him – to distract the monsters if nothing else.

There's nothing to be done about it, though. Sam's all he's got left, and he'll stick with his brother until Sam finally gives up on him ever being any better than he is. It probably won't be too much longer now, but Dean doesn't want to think about it.

 

#### 4x15 (Death Takes a Holiday): Vacation of Denial

Tessa's right, he doesn't believe in miracles and never has. Dean's just been doing his best to try and think positively. It's not something he's had a lot of practice at, but an angel pulled him out of freakin' _hell_. That's not exactly anywhere remotely near normal, and if you can't be positive about that, what can you be positive about?

Well, apparently nothing, as it turns out. He's been suspicious of the angels since the beginning, and Castiel isn't wrong when he suggests that Dean is likely to do just the opposite of whatever he asks. Dean just can't trust anyone who is that vague – God has work for him. What does that even _mean_? He figures the only reason they haven't told him more about what's going on is there has to be some big, nasty catch involved.

Dean's spent the time since the siren case brooding about Sam's lies, but maybe it's time he looks a little closer at the ones he's been telling himself lately. It'd be nice if his being brought back was entirely a good thing, but his life has never worked that way.

 

#### 4x16 (On the Head of a Pin): Unsought Revelations

He has to ask Cas if it's actually true, what Alistair said. Not because he doesn't believe that he's enough of a fuckup to have screwed the whole world over, but because he knows Alistair. Demons like him lie a lot, but they mix in just enough truth so that you can never know what's what. He knows that especially well of Alistair because they spent so much damn time together down in the pit, and that makes a whole lot more sense, now.

Even strapped on the rack, you heard things in hell if you paid attention. Though no one had told him so directly at the time, Dean had gotten the impression it was strange Alistair was spending so much time on Dean alone. For the forty years it felt like he was down there, not only was Dean never without some kind of guard, it was almost constantly Alistair for the whole duration. Yeah, Dean had managed to kill some of their own, including a big name dick like Azazel, but it still wasn't really enough that he should be getting such tailored attention from the demon of the racks. In the context of waiting for him to break the first seal, though, suddenly it made perfect sense.

Dean isn't surprised his dad never broke, because John Winchester had always been one uncompromisingly stubborn son of a bitch. He's also not surprised that the angels expected Dean would have held out longer, and that even explains why they've been treating him like crap, since this whole apocalypse thing they're fighting against is all his fault. The part he just can't understand is why the hell anyone would brand him as a righteous man, because that's a fucking joke.

 

#### 4x17 (It's a Terrible Life): Human Resource Manipulation

Cas and Uriel were bad enough. This Zachariah dick is a whole new level of pain in his ass. Smug, condescending, and trying to play as if he's sympathetic. Dean so isn't buying the crap he's selling, because it's pretty damn clear it's crap. Especially after what Cas said about him being the angel's only hope of stopping things. This guy isn't really convinced Dean is some kind of hero meant to be saving people, he's just their only damn option, so they're giving him this manipulative can-do pep talk.

The only lesson he's learned from this whole thing is that if they want to, the angels can really screw him around far beyond what he was already aware of. For the duration, he was Dean Smith, corporate douchebag, and he didn't even really realize anything was wrong. The threat of being thrown back into hell had been bad enough, but at least he knew what to expect from that – and it wasn't like he could do anything worse down there than he already had done by breaking the first seal. Messing with his head like this, though, who knows what else they might do if he doesn't jump when they say so.

 

#### 4x18 (The Monster at the End of this Book): Confrontation and Submission

The thing Dean really wants to know from this whole bizarre prophet debacle is when the hell Sam got so freakin' reckless. He doesn't really know what the hell is going on with his brother. The powers he was supposedly going to stop using are still getting stronger for some reason that apparently even the angels don't know, and it seems to have made him seriously overconfident. This is Lilith, for crap's sake. That's not all, either. There's also the part where he seems to be extra bloodthirsty, too, and Dean finds the changes very unsettling.

It's been more than a few times since they've started working together that Dean's been really annoyed at Sam's dewy-eyed desire to give even some of the monsters a chance. Apparently he should have been careful what he wished for, because right now he'd give just about anything to have his soft-hearted idealist brother back. This arrogant, cold-blooded stranger he's stuck with now scares him, and not just because he's afraid the overconfidence is going to get them both killed.

Dean was not the kind of guy that prayed. Even when the world ended up with a bunch of angels flitting around the place while the clock ticked down on judgment day, he still didn't come down with a case of sudden faith. All he got was an even bigger sense that the world was a really fucked up place. Still, he's absolutely desperate to do something to combat Sam's current stupidity, so he prays to Cas.

Even though he did it, he didn't honestly expect too much. Cas might be easier to get along with than all the other winged monkeys he's had to deal with, but that hardly makes the angel a friend. Turns out that he underestimated the guy though. It doesn't fix the problems with Sam, but keeping them out of Lilith's clutches was something, at least.

 

#### 4x19 (Jump the Shark): What's Left Unsaid

Sam finds it fairly strange at first that Dean is so dead set on believing that Adam has to be part of a trap. The two of them having an half-brother that John never bothered to tell them about isn't exactly unbelievable, and Dean's always been all about family. He'd also thought that Dean had been over his whole 'whatever Dad wants' phase, but apparently not.

It makes a little more sense under the context of Dean wanting to shelter the kid, but Sam learned that lesson about ignorance. He tried to get out of the life, and Jess had roasted on the ceiling for his hubris. He'd thought they could just kill Azazel, and they'd let a whole host of demons out of hell, including Lilith. If there's one critter out there observant enough to come after Adam because it wants revenge on John Winchester, there are more just waiting to stumble across him. It would be irresponsible to let the kid believe that he can really just continue on in a normal life. Yeah, maybe he is a little jealous of Adam not being raised as a hunter, but he also doesn't think he's wrong that it can't last.

Of course the whole argument turns out to be entirely moot since the first monster to come after Adam found him long before they arrived. Sam places the blame for that squarely on Dad, and he's not sure how he feels about that in context of Dean's comparing him to the man. He's come to appreciate a lot of things about the unyielding and driven nature of John Winchester that he didn't understand or outright hated growing up. Even if he knows that Dean didn't mean the comparison as a compliment, this is what a hunter is. The fact his brother can't seem to see that anymore is just another indication that something in him has been broken since hell.

 

#### 4x20 (The Rapture): Guilt and Choices

The thing is, after that first meeting where Cas mentioned he was wearing someone else's meat, Dean had kind of forgotten there was some poor human schmuck in there. Considering all the crap with seals and the oncoming apocalypse, where Cas was one of the only ones they could even halfway trust, it hadn't really been any kind of priority to Dean's mind.

He feels a bit guilty about that being confronted with the sudden reminder now. The dude had a wife and kids and they've all been complicit in keeping him from his family. Dean's worried about what happened to Cas, but for a moment, he thinks maybe it'll at least let this guy go home.

He figures he should have known better, but he still doesn't like the way Sam chews the poor guy out after they rescue his family from their demon-infested neighbors. Still, even if his brother is being an asshole about it, he's speaking the truth.

Dean just really doesn't understand the man. He doesn't think for a moment that Castiel was lying about Jimmy praying for it, and that's just weird. Even if Jimmy can be excused for not realizing that he was going to be a demon target indefinitely, from the sound of it, if Cas hadn't been yanked back to heaven, he'd have never gone home anyway. The guy has a wife and child he clearly cares about, so what the hell was he thinking? So maybe Dean is just a paranoid kinda guy, but it really sounds like Jimmy should have at least asked a few more questions. Dean still pities the bastard, and that crap Castiel pulled with the guy's daughter is reprehensible and so plainly inhuman. Still, when it's all over, Dean's got his own terrible decisions to live with without feeling guilty about Jimmy Novak's, too.

 

#### 4x21 (When the Levee Breaks): Beyond Repair

Dean is feeling pretty stupid about a lot of things. Having been on the verge of trusting Castiel for a hot minute there does register somewhere on the list. He knows better now, though, because anything requiring a promise as vague as 'serving heaven' has got to be shady. It turns his stomach to agree, but he can't really see any alternative.

Still, that's just a minor worry in the back of his mind. Not having seen just how bad off Sam had been getting, that's pretty damn high on the list. The kid got addicted to demon blood and he hadn't even noticed. He was so willing to turn a blind eye to the psychic crap because he didn't want to know, and he lost sight of a whole lot more. For that, he's just as mad at himself as he is at Sam.

The fact that Sam can't even see just how completely fucked up he is, trusting a demon over his own family, well, that pretty much says it all right there, doesn't it? That his brother can even begin to rationalize what he's doing – drinking blood, demonic withdrawals, obsessive revenge quests, and that same overconfidence he's had for a while now. He thought his brother was smarter than this, but it turns out Dean can't trust him even that far.

He doesn't trust Cas, but he also sees no reason for him to have lied about Sam turning into a demon. At the end, the one thing that's abundantly clear is that Dean's failed. It was his job to keep Sam from becoming a monster, but Sam doesn't want to be saved.

 

#### 4x22 (Lucifer Rising): Little Nudges

Sam knows that he started using these powers of his to save people. He wanted to make up for the fact that they were given to him by a demon, and were fundamentally rooted in evil. Finding himself here, about to kill this woman to enhance those powers, he's finding himself with doubts for the first time in a long time. The doubts he's got from the sound of Dean's last words to him reverberating through his head on repeat in stereo are just that much worse. Suddenly, after being so sure for so long that he was doing the right thing, he's not sure he can go through with this.

He's on the verge of giving up on this whole long revenge quest against Lilith when he gets that voicemail message from Dean. His brother gets on his nerves more than occasionally, and Sam's always been sure that he's smarter, more independent, and generally more capable than Dean at most everything. As much as he hates to admit it, though, he's never quite gotten beyond some part of him being the little boy that looked up to his big brother for always watching out for him even when he didn't need or want it. So when he gets that message? None of his doubts really matter any more. If Dean's given up on him, there's really no point in pretending. He might as well do this, no matter what lines it crosses, and at least make sure Lilith can't hurt anyone else.

The part of him that knows Dean is a hothead realizes Dean having shown up at the convent to stop him means that his brother didn't give up on him. At least not for very long. He'd be comforted by that if he wasn't so completely sickened by Ruby's words. Sure, it's now clear that Dean was right and she was lying to and using him all along, but why would she lie now? Demons don't lie when the truth hurts more. It wasn't the blood, it was just him and the choices he made to follow a path he should have known was wrong. Him and his destiny as a savior for demon kind. The shame of this pronouncement about the nature of his very existence almost outweighs the fear of what he's unleashed.


	5. Season Five

#### 5x01 (Sympathy for the Devil): The No Good Very Bad ... Day

This just isn't Dean's day, really. First, Sam manages to finish kicking off the apocalypse that Dean is responsible for starting up. Of course, Dean does get to kill Ruby, and he's been really, really wanting to do that for a very, very long time. It's not worth all the crazy end-of-the-world omens and the knowledge they've let the devil run loose, but hey, he's got to take the positives where he can.

Getting randomly transported onto that plane certainly qualifies as one, too. Even if it's maddeningly mysterious. Of course, their next stop has them finding out that Cas got himself exploded trying to help them. As mad as he had been at the angel, he'd been their only remotely trustworthy source in all this heaven and hell stuff. It also hurts that he went down swinging because Dean asked him to, because that makes up for a hell of a lot in Dean's book.

Then, just when it seems like their luck of having no clue what's going on is finally broken, Bobby turns out to be possessed. Almost as bad, Meg shows back up again. Dean had really hoped they'd seen the last of her, but Winchesters just weren't that lucky. It hurts quite a lot to ditch Bobby at the hospital and run, but if there's a weapon that can take out Lucifer, they need to get their hands on it before anyone else.

Except, hey, bonus, that turns out to be another freakin' angel lie, too. All they find at Dad's old storage is some dick angels who feel like they're entitled to hijack Dean's body to finish the war they let happen. He knew there had to be a catch with all their vague crap, but this is even shadier than he expected. Of course, it completely explains why the angels were so hot on him, something that had never made a damn bit of sense before. It's never been about _him_.

True, Cas turns up to save them, somehow miraculously back from the dead, which is pretty awesome in Dean's book. Still, on the whole, it's a bad day. The apocalypse is on, Bobby may never walk again, there is no weapon ready made to fight the devil so they're pretty much screwed, and somehow worse than all that? Despite how hard he's been trying while dealing with everything else, he can't forgive his brother. Will quite possibly never forgive his brother.

It was one thing when Sam bailed for Stanford. Admittedly, at the time, it had felt like a betrayal, but after enough time to get a little perspective, Dean knew Sam had just been going after something it wasn't wrong for him to want. Maybe Dean wasn't the greatest brother and he couldn't really blame Sam for wanting to move on to something better with his life. Fine, whatever, but no matter what he was worth, Dean was a lot more trustworthy than some hell bitch. Sam had actively chosen a demon over him. One of the worst kinds of monsters there ever was. If his brother couldn't see that – how can he trust Sam's judgment about anything? Even if he ever manages to forgive him, this is something he'll never, ever be able to forget.

 

#### 5x02 (Good God, Y'all!): Friendly Fire

Sam doesn't exactly expect everything to suddenly be okay, considering what he's done. He still doesn't expect Dean to just allow him to walk away, though. He wants to hear an argument, and he wants it to clear the air between them, because apologizing hasn't worked at all. Sam acknowledges he's got a problem and wants things to be better, and he does it figuring that it has to be enough. Dean's his brother, first and foremost, and they'll get past this.

It's not that Sam doesn't mean what he says about not feeling he should be hunting, because he really kinda does. He just didn't expect to actually walk away without a fight. Because the one thing Dean has always hung onto, besides the car, is family. So if Dean isn't even going to try and get him to stay after all they've been through together, what does that mean, really? It's bad enough he's doomed the world, but if his brother can't even see forgiving him, how can he expect anyone else to? How can he forgive himself?

 

#### 5x03 (Free to Be You and Me): Unshakable Burdens

He shouldn't be surprised that Sam's reaction to setting Lucifer free is to run away again. It's what he'd done when he got old enough to college, and Dean was pretty sure that his eagerness to start hunting again after Jess died had as much to do with running as it did with revenge. Rather than sticking around and dealing with the consequences of his choices, he took off instead of dealing with the fallout of what he'd caused.

Hey, Dean had his own part in setting off this whole apocalypse thing, but he wasn't running off to pretend to be normal as if he had no responsibility to try and make amends. Honestly, the whole thing pissed him off almost as much as the fact he couldn't trust Sam to make even the most obvious of decisions not to trust a freakin' demon over his own family. It didn't help that he was also pretty pissed at himself for missing the big idiot despite all that.

So Dean is actually pretty relieved when Cas shows up with a mission he wants help on, even if it sounds completely crazy. At first he's kind of irritated at the angel, because he's so used to working opposite Sam's competence, and Cas is just so clueless.

It really is pretty irritating, but then it's just kind of increasingly funny. The incident at the brothel is just the highlight of it all. Although it has the downside of highlighting everything that's been so wrong with his relationship with Sam. He hasn't laughed that hard in years because everything since Dad left and Sam came back has just been one long string of worries. Worries about Dad, worries about Sam's powers, worries about going to hell, worries about the angels, Lucifer, the apocalypse, all of it piling on until he'd been drowning so far under the weight of it he'd forgotten what it felt like to not have all that extra baggage. With Cas, he doesn't have to constantly put on a front of pretending none of that bothers him or worry about how it's going to bite him in the ass this time.

Except it's not that easy to just let go of who he's always been, the one who holds the family together. Despite what he tells Cas, he's only pushing the worries to the back of his mind, and even if there is some relief to that, he's not really any more happy now. He's just a little better at ignoring problems that aren't right in his face.

 

#### 5x04 (The End): Changes

Part of Dean remembers being Dean Smith and this whole adventure into 2014 feels just about as real. Which means that there's just as much of a chance that none of this is real either. It is all just a little too convenient. Future-Dean finds the Colt just as he shows up, and despite that is desperate for him to go back home and say yes? Exactly what Zachariah wants? Yeah, that doesn't seem terribly contrived at all and he sure as hell doesn't trust it.

Still, at heart Dean is a pessimist, and he knows that with their luck, it might just be true that he was sent to the real future. Except Zachariah is suffering under the incorrect assumption that his plan is the only way things can be different. Dean doesn't believe that, because he already sees a huge way this can all be changed thanks to future-him. He may not really be able to forgive or trust Sam, but maybe he'll be able to some day, and the only thing worse in that future than seeing Lucifer wearing his brother as a Sam-suit was seeing just how much of a monster he himself had become in his brother's absence. Dean can't let either of those things happen, and the obvious way to do that is for them to protect each other as they've always done. Not perfectly, but Dean isn't ready to give up on half the world just yet.

When Cas shows up at the perfect time to save him from Zachariah, he's never been happier to see a familiar face. Not only because he's got important changes to make, but because Cas has just added himself to that list of people Dean needs to protect.

 

#### 5x05 (Fallen Idols): Forcing Changes

It's not exactly that Sam feels like he really deserves to be forgiven for what he did. Starting the apocalypse is a pretty major mistake. Still, Dean was the one that called him back and talked him into getting back together, even if Sam had asked about getting back in to hunting and been turned down first.

That didn't mean he signed up to be treated like this. Sent off to do research all day while Dean hangs out in a bar, sent out so Dean can bitch to Bobby on the phone about him, and then completely ignored when he tries to say anything about the case. Dean never wants to let him make his own choices, and Sam's let that put him in bad places before. He can't just let it slide anymore, if he has to deal with Dean making him grovel for what he did, Dean is going to have to learn to treat him as a partner and not just the kid brother anymore.

Sam isn't really sure that it can actually work out, because the both of them are stubborn as anything and Dean most of all. At least Dean stops long enough to listen and agree that they maybe should change things. It's somewhere to start from, even if actually enacting change isn't quite that easy.

 

#### 5x06 (I Believe the Children Are Our Future): Painful Truths

Sam doesn't particularly appreciate Castiel throwing his failure back in his face any more than when Dean does it, but the angel is pretty much awkward about everything so he tries not to take it personally. Still, he can't agree that Jesse deserves to die just for being born of specific parents. He has to believe that Jesse has a chance to be good, because if Jesse can avoid his destiny, maybe Sam can, too.

When Sam sees that they're losing Jesse to the demon in the kid's mother because they've lied, he tells him the whole truth, because that's the only chance they have. He doesn't even try to apologize, because no matter how powerful the kid is, he's just a kid and he's not going to understand why adults talk about how bad lying is and then do it themselves and call it okay. Right now, they've got no idea what the extent of the Jesse's powers are and he's already angry, so all they can hope for is that he's as reasonable and human as he seemed when they first met him when Sam comes clean. Somehow, despite their usual luck, it works.

He's not entirely surprised Jesse took off on them. The kid is, after all, just a kid, and faced with a fight he clearly doesn't want to be part of – well, Sam knows all about running away from responsibilities that are too big for you. Maybe it's for the best. He and his brother are constantly surrounded by demons and angels, and as much as they'd want to keep the kid safe, maybe Jesse is better off relying on his own powers as far away from all of this as it will be possible to get.

 

#### 5x07 (The Curious Case of Dean Winchester): A Brief, Ugly Look

It's really weird, being old. The kind of life they lead, Dean had always expected he'd never actually get to experience it himself, so it's kind of novel. Except for the part where it completely sucks beyond the telling of it.

He hates that Bobby feels that way, though. He knew the old man wasn't doing well, but that things were really that bad? He had no idea, and he has no idea how to deal with what Bobby's said about wishing he was dead. He's never been very good at all this feelings crap, but when all the nonsense with the he-witch is over, he knows he has to try and say something. They've already lost so much and they're so deep under it right now, Dean can't really stand the idea of losing Bobby, too.

 

#### 5x08 (Changing Channels): Camouflage

It's honestly going out on a limb to attempt to appeal to the Trickster, and Sam knows that. The problem is, they've got a dearth of allies and a lot of enemies, and if there's even the chance the guy might take their side, he figures they need to try. After all, the angels are dicks, above and below, and the Trickster's M.O. is all about punishing dicks.

Of course, that mental calculation can't account for the fact that the Trickster turns out to be an angel himself. That's just their luck, lately. Sam's disappointed, but at least he can sympathize some with Gabriel, even if he wishes the guy wasn't just as set on the apocalypse as everyone else.

He could see it in the angel's eyes that what Dean said had an impact. Sam just didn't really figure it would be enough, because honestly, they don't have a plan. The best they can hope for is that Gabriel will go back to being uninvolved after this.

 

#### 5x09 (The Real Ghostbusters): Obfuscation

More than once, Dean had thought that their lives could not possibly get any weirder. Every time, he was sure that this was the time that it was true. Despite how it's happened several times now, he can't begin to think of what could possibly be weirder than this. People attending a convention pretending to be him and his brother. Seriously.

It doesn't just weird him out, it pisses him off, too. At least at first, anyway. After the actual haunting interrupts the convention and they get to know a pair of LARPers, he changes his mind a bit. They don't know it's real, and he can see how that makes it so much easier to see the bright side. The things that tend to get lost when you're the one living it.

Armageddon is still on, but it's true that their lives aren't all bad. Getting a lead on the Colt on top of realizing that is just gravy.

 

#### 5x10 (Abandon All Hope): The Last Known Resort

Dean really does wonder sometimes about Cas. The nerdy little dude is a complete pessimist with all the earnest "last night on earth" speeches. Yeah, archangels are serious business, and the guy did get himself smited – smote? Whatever, it still wouldn't hurt to think positive. Then they hit a town where they expect to run into Lucifer, the Lucifer, and the angel wanders off on his own in the first five minutes.

Of course, he doesn't have much time to focus on that. Between the spooky ghost town where they can't find anything until Meg shows up and Jo getting herself torn apart because of him, he doesn't have time to worry about Cas. Thank God, wherever the hell he may be, for Bobby because otherwise he'd be falling apart here. Of course Bobby figures it out, but his news is just about as much worse as it can get – they're not just in town with Lucifer, he's calling Death, too. Apparently, it's gonna be one big bad party.

When it's all over, and they've lost Jo and Ellen for absolutely nothing, as well as the whole of Carthage, for the first time it really sinks in that they have no way out of this. There are apparently five things the Colt can't kill and the thing they have to stop is one of 'em.

 

#### 5x11 (Sam, Interrupted): Clarity Under the Influence

It's not really funny that their life is so ridiculous that they can just tell the truth to a psychiatrist and get themselves committed in a single afternoon. Still, it is kind of fun and it's for a favor. More importantly, after the disaster that was Carthage and the way Dean's been since, they need some kind of a distraction and they can be pretty sure this has nothing to do with the looming apocalypse.

Sam figures that this will be a relatively easy case, comparatively. After all, they kill monsters on a regular basis. Except they've never dealt with a wraith before and he doesn't count on all three of them being too high to actually identify the monster or fight it effectively. They're just lucky that the wraith grossly underestimates what they're capable of.

It doesn't really occur to him until afterward that maybe going into a mental hospital and having their mental health examined may not have been the best plan considering. Even if the method was via drugged hallucinations, Sam's had some things thrown in his face that he's done his best not to really think about for a long time. He half wishes that he could deal with things the way that Dean says, by just burying them and moving on. Except it clearly isn't working that well for his brother, and hasn't been – not since the apocalypse started, not since he came back from hell, not since Dad died, probably not even before that.

Sam's never been under the impression that hunting was an occupation for the most mentally stable. He just finds himself wishing that there was some way they could both actually get help for their problems without being labeled crazy for the fucked up things that are just part of their lives – even while he knows Dean would never voluntarily go along with it even if such a thing existed.

 

#### 5x12 (Swap Meat), Take One: Apple Pie Switch

Sam would be really disappointed in Dean for taking so long to catch on to the fact that he wasn't acting at all like himself – if he wasn't too busy being embarrassed by getting darted by a group of teen witches. Twice.

He's more surprised by what he learns by being Gary. He meant what he said to Dean about having given up on having a normal life. It's just not possible with the way things are. Despite that, he'd spent their childhood always envying people with normal families and he'd never really gotten over that. Having to live Gary's life, though? It's every bad sitcom cliché of overbearing parents that he'd wished for so hard – and he totally hates it. Maybe it's just being an actual adult treated like a child, or maybe it does just suck that much. Either way, it's a lesson he never expected himself to learn.

Of course, it doesn't hurt to lie to Gary to get him to see what he does have going for him. He's a little surprised Dean doesn't seem to be on the same page. His brother used to always act like there was nothing to life but the hunt. It's a weird reversal, but if they manage to make it through this apocalypse mess, what he wants is for his brother to be happy. If an apple pie life is what Dean wants now, good for him.

 

#### 5x12 (Swap Meat), Take Two: Obvious Lies

Dean is fairly disappointed in himself that he doesn't catch on earlier than he does. Still, when Not-Sam says, "You're a good guy, Dean," it sets off his bullshit meter, big time. It's the demon saying he's proud of Dean through his dad's mouth all over again, and he's not desperate enough to hear it to fall for that. Not then and not now. When whatever is riding Sam leaves after chatting up some random chick in about five minutes shortly after that, well, it's just more evidence of what he's already figured out. He doesn't know how or why, but Sam isn't himself.

He really wasn't expecting teenage witches to be behind it, and is much less surprised when a demon shows up riding one of them. When Sam explains the whole scheme of hell putting out wanted bulletins for him, it makes a little more sense. He tries to tell himself that it won't really make any difference since all the hell bitches have him on their shit list anyway, but it doesn't quite work. After all, it prompted this weird Freaky Friday crap that no one ever tried before, so who knows what else could come at them from where? This all happened because the kid spotted them at the fast food joint where he worked – that's not something they can really avoid.

 

#### 5x13 (The Song Remains the Same): Strange Echoes

He knows that he's being incredibly awkward, but Sam just can't quite help himself. This is their mom and dad, alive and happy and living a normal life. He knows that it's really a lie that's going to come crashing down in the nursery fire in just a few years, but he can't help but be taken in by the picture they paint. Except for Mary's clear upset at their presence, anyway. It's probably just as well that they lose track of John, because he's not sure he could have kept himself from staring like a freak all night for anything else.

Then to hear John go off about what an irresponsible bastard his father must have been? Sam had and still has so many issues with his father, but to hear him unknowingly put himself down like that – it hurts in more ways than he can articulate. Even if this isn't the John Winchester he knows, he has to take the chance he never thought he'd have to say that he understands and he forgives.

That's only the beginning, because then he walks in on Dean talking to Mary and the two of them get to try and convince her not to be their mother. He's got experience on how trying for that normal life is just never going to work for you when heaven and hell are actively working against you. Unfortunately, before they can even get her to consider listening, the angels show up.

In the end, they change nothing. Which is maybe better than letting Anna go back in time and kill their parents – though who knows? At this point he's not willing to dismiss the idea that it wouldn't have turned out better. He won't say it, but he's not sure that Cas wasn't lying about Anna's idea of killing him being necessarily wrong. Why else would Michael have bothered to show up and stop their confrontation?

 

#### 5x14 (My Bloody Valentine): Missing Pieces

He prevaricates about it when Cas asks, but Dean has known there was something wrong with him since both the angel and his brother fell prey to the effects of Famine while he felt nothing. Obviously the whole town isn't dropping from their cravings at once, but by now he knows he should be feeling at least the stirrings of some kind of pull. The thing is, ever since they hit town, he's been feeling the opposite.

It goes without saying that being sent to hell changes a person, and it's not too embarrassing to his pride to admit that he's been kinda messed up since then. Dean has been managing it, though, and he thinks he's done pretty well, considering. Except lately, everything is just stacking up and up and as hard as he tries to push it back down, it's just not working anymore. They're fighting against all of heaven and hell and they don't have a single hope of anything that can kill off, or even hurt, the dicks at the head of either army.

That big black hole of nothing Famine finds is where he used to have a shred of hope that there might actually be a way out of this that didn't end bloody for the whole damn planet. Everyone kept telling him that the dicks having their way was inevitable, well, even for someone as thick as him, eventually it was gonna sink in.

 

#### 5x15 (Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid): Inevitability

Sam suddenly and oddly finds himself grateful for the degree to which their lives are detached from other people's. It's been bad enough they've got angels and demons and every monstrous thing in between gunning for them over the apocalypse – and even a few hunters, too. Death going after Bobby, though, that's a whole new low.

He can't quite help himself from trying to get Bobby to say he'll be okay. He knows that Bobby can't be, any more than he was – still is – over Jess getting killed for knowing him. Added on top of how hard it's been for the older hunter to cope with being wheelchair-bound, he just wants some reassurance that this isn't going to be the thing to break him. The problem is that at this point, all of them are hanging on by the thinnest of threads. It feels like only a matter of time before something has to give, but if it does, it's all over. Sam can't stand the thought and he can't do anything about it, either.

 

#### 5x16 (Dark Side of the Moon): It Can Always Get Worse

He's a little surprised at ending up in Heaven, but Dean decides to just go with it. Even before Cas spells it out, he'd pretty much realized that both sides needed their Winchester meatsuits alive and able to say the big Yes. That's why he'd told Roy and Walt he'd be pissed when he came back, he'd already known he'd be back on some level.

Heaven's supposed to be heaven, and yeah, he'd been joking about the women and latex, but he's still surprised by what he learns there. His own best memories, well, he finds no real surprises there. Sam's, though? Every one of them, every single one of them involves getting away from his family. Sam doesn't seem to see it, but that's one hell of an underlying theme. Dean had always known that he wasn't as important to the people that were important to him, but wow. He can't really help himself when he blows up at Sam, because it hurts, dammit.

He nearly forgets about it all in light of Ash's revelation they've already been to heaven. Several times, apparently. That's a bizarre and disconcerting thought. Almost as bad as watching Zachariah mack on a creepy facsimile of their mother.

At the time he dismisses what Pamela says about letting Michael have his way. Not to be cruel or anything, but she's obviously come to terms with being dead. He really doubts she'd feel the same if she was one of the people down below with an actual stake in staying alive versus going to so-called paradise. After Joshua relays God's message to screw off because he's already done enough, though? Dean can't help but wonder if maybe she's right. Their last chance no hope option of prayer is as much of a bust as everything else.

As bad as Dean feels, it sure as hell doesn't help that it's clear Cas feels even worse. He wishes he could believe Sam is right that they can still find a way, but he can't. He's been fooling himself for a while now, but they're on a countdown to the inevitable here. At least Michael is indifferent and pays lip service to sending people to paradise instead of killing everyone and everything on purpose. It's not enough, but at least it's something.

 

#### 5x17 (99 Problems): Falling Apart at the Seams

A huge outbreak of demon omens sends them to Minnesota. Sam isn't quite sure what he expects, but them ending up in over their heads isn't exactly new. What is unexpected is the whole town of Blue Earth having been turned into hunters by the apocalypse. It's bizarre and it makes him uncomfortable, even after he and Dean see what an effective team the townspeople make.

What bothers him far more is Dean's fatalism and indifference. He's been trying not to notice as Dean has gotten more and more pessimistic as every plan they've had to stop the runaway train of the apocalypse has failed spectacularly. He can't deny any more that Dean is at the point of just giving up. Castiel showing up totally trashed after Dean storms out is just the cherry on top.

Of course, at first it seems like it might have been a good thing. They would have been hard pressed to figure out what Leah was without Castiel's help. Even better, Dean comes back clearly having been shocked out of his indifference. For a moment, he thinks maybe they're back on track. If all three of them can get back in this and start working together, despite the setbacks they've had, Sam still does really believe that there's got to be a way. Joshua may have said God wasn't going to help, but he also said he was rooting for them, and Sam needs to be able to take some hope from somewhere.

He had his suspicions about how Dean had managed to use the stake from the very moment it worked, but he'd hoped he was wrong until he heard the Impala's engine start up outside. It doesn't just piss him off that Dean is ready to give up, it bothers him even more that they're supposed to be in this together and then his jerk of a brother just arbitrarily decides to change his mind and tears off rather than discussing it.

 

#### 5x18 (Point of No Return): What Matters Most

Dean knows he's being an asshole to everyone. He really can't fool himself that they have any options and he hopes maybe it'll make it easier for them to let him go and do the only thing they can at this point. He feels bad about it, especially when Bobby throws that giant guilt trip on him about giving up after what Dean made him promise, but Dean's just so tired of waiting for a better solution they're never gonna find. So he doesn't stop, especially after Cas retrieves Adam. Bad enough their life got Adam killed, but he's not going to let the kid become an archangel suit on top of it.

He knows he's not going to get anywhere with Sam hovering and giving him the puppy dog eyes, so he says what he has to so his brother will leave. Honestly, he's not completely sure whether he believes what he's saying or just saying what he knows will get Sam to leave the fastest. The two of them are being pushed so hard on so many sides, and hell had already taught Dean that he'll break easy enough and not too long after, Sam had shown just how easily he would allow himself to be lead around by evil.

Dean knows he can't get by Sam, and even better, he knows Cas will come looking after he sends Sam running, which plays right into what he needs. The thing is, he's let himself get into the habit of thinking of Cas as a nerdy little dude with wings. Helpful to have around and great against the bad guys, but generally kind of harmless. Somewhere in the midst of getting his ass kicked in that alley, Dean remembers back to the first time he met Castiel, Angel of the Lord.

He doesn't want to let Sam's words affect him so much, because they still don't have a shot in hell. He doesn't want Cas' words about not having faith in him anymore do so, either. Dean still walks into that warehouse pretty sure he's going to say the big Yes. Even if he has to play nice with the biggest dick involved short of Lucifer himself, Zachariah. Looking at Sam, though, he _can't_. His brother was right. So it's just as well he wasn't completely sure enough to not have a bit of a backup plan.

They still don't have a way to stop the whole apocalypse steamroller, they're down the only angel on their side, and now Micheal's got a vessel. But he's spent his whole damn life refusing to let Sam down, and now is not the moment he's going to let that change.

 

#### 5x19 (Hammer of the Gods), Take One: Unexpected Divergence and Deliverance

As if the two of them didn't have their hands full with angels on all sides, they drive straight into a trap set up by the weirdest gathering of religious deities that has probably ever happened anywhere. From the sound of it, the group of them aren't even agreed on whether they need a plan, let alone what it might be.

Sam knows that set between Michael and Lucifer, he and Dean don't have a chance, but with this new development he has to wonder if having other players on the board might change things up a bit. Assuming, of course, they don't just opt for killing him and Dean in some way that would prevent the angels from bringing them back – if that's possible.

Still, it's very strange to feel relief when Gabriel strolls in. At least they can be relatively sure that he wants them alive so they can play their roles, and he isn't likely to sell them off to one side or the other. They can't trust him, but it's a safer bet they can predict what he'll do as opposed to the room full of pagan gods downstairs.

When Dean starts talking down to them after they've just killed Gabriel, it's one of those unfortunately plentiful times that Sam really, really wants to strangle his brother. Somehow it works, which actually kind of makes the urge stronger. He's barely got a handle on the fact that Gabriel faked them all out when it all goes to hell, pretty much literally.

Sam isn't really surprised that Gabriel-on-DVD says he's dead. Frankly, once they got a few miles out and Gabriel hadn't shown up to gloat about making it out alive, he'd written the archangel off. What is a big surprise is that Gabriel had another plan up his sleeve and was willing to share it with them. Like the man himself says, it's a long shot, but at least it's a shot.

 

#### 5x19 (Hammer of the Gods), Take Two: Of a Feather

As weird of a thing as it is to think about somebody that killed him over a hundred times, Dean can see himself in Gabriel. He can understand being in the middle of family conflict and just wanting nothing so much as for the fighting to stop – he spent most of his years growing up between Dad and Sam, fighting over every damn thing until Sam left. It took a couple of years, but he can admit he understands being too much of a coward to stand up, because he never would go against what Dad told him to do for most of his adult life while the man was still alive, even when he was sure John Winchester was making the wrong decision. So yeah, he gets Gabriel, because he's been there.

It's not that he doesn't sympathize, because after seeing the parallels it's almost impossible not to. Problem is, neither Sam nor Dad ever tried to intentionally destroy the world in their family spats. There does have to come a time when you stand up, and maybe he's an idiot for saying that to an archangel, but someone has got to. Yeah, he's being a hypocrite after all those times when Sam was seriously working the dark side and he refused to even consider the possibility of killing his brother. Gabriel's an archangel, though, and even if his ideas of angels as agents of good has been thoroughly shot to hell, Dean still thinks that they _should_ be better.

He's sure the guy has already bailed on them when it seriously starts hitting the fan, but turns out he underestimated the son of a bitch. He and Sam get the hell out of dodge with Kali in tow as fast as they can manage, so they don't see exactly what goes down. Still, when Gabriel doesn't show up shortly after to mess with them somehow, he figures the guy has to have gone down swinging. Hey, Dean always thought he had style, even back when they were under the impression he was just a trickster. It's just too bad that the guy didn't have his change of heart earlier so that they could have actually tried getting rid of the devil together. They've got a plan now, thanks to Gabriel, but it'd be a whole lot better if the archangel hadn't waited until it was too late for him to help them with it.

 

#### 5x20 (The Devil You Know): Dealing With Demons

Their allies are so thin on the ground that they actually agree to work with Crowley, after that whole fiasco with the Colt. Thing is, Dean doesn't exactly disbelieve that he didn't know about the gun not working on Lucifer. Cas had no clue, either. Yeah, demons lie, but they will work towards their own interests above all else, and Dean does actually believe that Crowley doesn't trust Lucifer. And they saw for themselves the devil was just as willing to throw away demon lives as human ones for his purposes. All that aside, most importantly, they're desperate and they have no leads of their own on the horsemen.

Even if he really hates the way Crowley keeps manipulating them into doing things instead of actually telling them what's going on. Seriously, if the guy didn't seem to actually have a plan Dean would be fighting Sam for the knife to gank his ass. "That's what you get, working with a demon." This plan is so, so bad. If they weren't so absolutely desperate, but they are.

The thing is, by now the two of them are smart enough to realize that their original belief learned from John Winchester was right – you can never trust a demon. They don't really have any way around working with him though. It's not the same, and hopefully it isn't close enough to end as badly. Although what could possibly constitute an ending as bad as kicking off the apocalypse Dean isn't really sure.

 

#### 5x21 (Two Minutes To Midnight): The Measure of a Man

Part of the fallout from his moment of weakness of almost saying yes to Michael was expecting to never hear from Cas again. The guy had carved an angel banishing symbol into himself after admitting that he had no idea of the consequences, and then disappeared without a word for long enough they'd all been pretty sure he was dead. So it's a huge relief to get a phone call contradicting that assumption, even if Cas sounds like he's reduced down to being pretty much just as human as the rest of them.

Dean kinda hates thinking about it that way, but Cas losing his mojo doesn't just suck for the guy himself. Still, they're low enough on allies Dean figures even an extra body on their side is nothing to sneer at. Besides, the angel is kind of a sneaky son of a bitch when he wants to be, so assuming that his lost powers count him out would be a mistake. As Pestilence finds out.

What the Horseman says before he disappears is extremely worrying, as is the fact that it turns out Bobby's been making out with demons behind their back. When it comes down to it, they don't have much choice but to split their forces and try and stop Pestilence's plan and get the last ring they need at the same time. It's not like that leaves them that much more screwed than they have been since this whole apocalypse thing kicked off.

Of course that leaves him paired with freakin' Crowley to fulfill his end, which is not okay. Then again, he's seen what a world overrun by the virus looks like, and Dean figures it's better to send everyone else to deal with that and make sure it doesn't happen. Confronted with Death, though, he starts to doubt that was the right choice. The other Horsemen weren't pushovers, exactly, but Death is a whole new level of scary – before the whole thing turns utterly and completely surreal. He has pizza with Death. That was not at all how he expected the day to go.

He certainly didn't want it to end with Death endorsing Sam's stupid plan. He's not entirely surprised Bobby is the one that gets sent to talk him into it, but Bobby's big speech is both right and wrong at the same time. Yeah, he's been hard on his brother this past year, but it'd been more out of hurt over being ditched for a demon bitch than because he doesn't think Sam is a good person and a capable one. All the crap they've been through, Dean hasn't managed to resign himself to losing anybody, and this plan will mean losing Sam. As much as he doesn't want the world to end, he's not sure his world will really go on without his brother. Maybe Bobby's right and that's selfish, but it's the truth.

 

#### 5x22 (Swan Song): Strength and Weakness

Sam never in a million years expected Dean to go along with his plan, even after Cas and Death and Bobby had all endorsed the idea. He knew his brother did the whole overprotective thing out of love, but that didn't prevent it from being incredibly annoying most of the time. Sam is sure that is all Dean's "bad feelings" add up to, his brother trying to go back on his agreement to the plan. Because Sam is sure this is the plan that's going to work out.

Except when he finds himself subsumed under the devil himself in his own body, it occurs to him this is always his problem. This is the same mistake he made with Ruby – he was so sure that he had to be the one. The one to be in charge, the one to pull off the big plan. Because he was smarter and better and could do it, despite how Dean's always so desperate to shield him from taking the weight. Except he was wrong, he overestimated himself and now he's got no control. Yet again he's doomed them all. Bobby had warned him not that long ago, asking him how he was gonna control the devil when he couldn't control himself, and this was the answer. He wasn't.

It doesn't make him feel any better when Lucifer shows him just how far back and how thoroughly he's been manipulated by demons all around him his whole damn life. Because he never even suspected how deep this whole long game had run. He doesn't even consider why Lucifer is going to the trouble of trying to break him down further when the bastard already has his body, he just figures the devil gets off on manipulation.

He would have just given up entirely and let the showdown take place. He'd assumed it was all over as he was listening to Michael and Lucifer bicker like children over whose fault everything was. At least until his brother showed up. Even then, he didn't really expect anything different to happen beyond watching Lucifer personally kill his brother right after Bobby and Cas and just before everyone else on the planet. Except he couldn't. He didn't know what exactly it was that gave him the strength, but his mind was suddenly flooded with every single good memory he ever experienced with Dean. All those memories, all those years, all the love, well, what was Lucifer compared to that? Nothing but another monster to be overcome, that's all.


	6. Season Six

#### 6x01 (Exile on Main St.): Dreams, Wishes, and Actual Reality

Sam's final wish was that Dean go off and find Lisa and lead a normal apple pie life, so that's what Dean's going to do. If Dean had his way, he'd be dead or trying to save Sam, but he made a promise to his brother and Dean has done his best to never let Sammy down. Okay, so he's still going to look into every bit of research he can get his hands on to free his brother, but without allowing himself the exception of something to focus his grief on, he'll go crazy. Moving in with Lisa, he figures he can at least make everyone else happy by pretending he is, too. Maybe someday it'd even be real, though he never truly fools himself into believing that.

Dean's spent his whole life looking out for his family, and it's not too hard to transfer that devotion to Lisa and Ben. So he plays at being part of their ready-made happy suburban life, even while every bit of it either bores him to tears or reminds him of everything he's trying so damn hard not to miss. How he feels doesn't matter, he can make it work even if he's actually more miserable than he's ever been. Lisa and Ben don't exactly know him well enough to tell the difference. He avoids doing his hard drinking when Ben is awake to see it. He pretends it doesn't bother him that he's completely lost touch with Bobby and Cas on top of losing Sam. He mostly manages to keep himself from eagerly jumping to action every time there's anything remotely suspicious, whether that be weird noises or a strange article in the paper. Well, at least until the djinn show up.

It's not that he doesn't love Lisa and Ben. It's not that he was lying when he told Lisa that when he pictured himself happy, it was with her. By the time they'd reconnected, something was always hanging over his head, be it the demon deal for his soul, the looming apocalypse, or simply the non-stop hunts. In comparison, her invitation of settling down to a normal life like some regular guy had been a wonderful fantasy. That was the problem. There's a huge difference between what you think you want in the abstract and trying to live immersed in the reality of the day to day. Hardly a surprise that there's something so wrong with him that he can't just be a normal, happy guy.

The incident with the djinn changes nothing. He's been pushing down the fear of something coming after him all along, the hallucinations just brought it to the forefront of his mind. Dean's long since lost any illusions he might have had that he's been doing anything but going through the motions with Lisa, even if Bobby and Sam have been busy congratulating themselves on making sure he keeps living his supposedly happy life.

He doesn't turn Sam's offer to go back to the hunt down because he feels like he'd really be giving up on something wonderful with Lisa. What he says about protecting them from the danger he's brought down upon them is only part of the truth, because staying is at least as much of a danger as going would be. No, he tells his brother he wants to stay because nothing hurts as much as the fact that he's been agonizing over Sam's death and his brother has been fine pretty much the whole time. Regardless of what Samuel Campbell says, they clearly don't actually need him, and the only ones he actually cares about all but said they don't really want him, but Lisa and Ben do. Dean isn't going to be happy either way, but at least maybe this way somebody will.

 

#### 6x02 (Two and a Half Men): Perspective and Compromise

The thing is, Dean knows he's being a paranoid mess. It probably seems new to Lisa and Ben, but the truth is it's really been just a matter of time before this happened. He was able to keep himself mostly in check until the djinn showed up on their doorstep, but he can't believe his minor precautions will be enough after that. Dean has never understood how you can just go on as normal once you know the monsters are out there - he's mostly been faking it for the past year. He doesn't blame Lisa and Ben for not getting it. They've not seen nearly so much as he has and he's desperate to keep it that way.

The way that his paranoia is affecting Lisa and Ben is bad enough, but the talk with Sam pretty much seals things. The last thing he wants is to turn into John Winchester. Dean had thought if he just didn't actively involve Ben in the weapons and monsters and just tried to shield him from things, it would be different. He can't keep denying what he's really doing after Sam points out the similarities between what he's doing and what their dad did when they were kids, though.

He knows intellectually that his mom's family were hunters for generations, and that she grew up in the life in a way that didn't involve excessive control and constantly moving around the country. Still, he can't really picture it as being a good life – and could it have really been that great since the Mary Campbell he'd met was so desperate to leave it all behind?

Dean doesn't really believe anyone can raise a child in the life in a positive way, despite the Campbell's assertions and history of doing so. What he can believe is Lisa. He's spent this past year doing his best to play a role for her and Ben and thought that he was doing a pretty convincing job, but she's seen through him. She tells him straight out everything he's been thinking and fighting against this whole time, but she doesn't see any of it as a problem. Lisa is far more willing to accept the life than he wanted her to have to be, and maybe that's what's wrong with how he's been handling this. Choosing one thing or the other plainly isn't working for him, so maybe he should stop telling himself he has to.

 

#### 6x03 (The Third Man): Back to Normal(ish)

Sam has a lot of questions and no answers to speak of. He doesn't feel like anything has been quite the same ever since he found himself unexpectedly back out of hell. His first impulse had been to go straight to Dean, but he'd let Samuel talk him out of it. Sam figured his brother belonged as a hunter with him, because that's how things worked, but Samuel and Bobby both agreed they should let Dean have his go at a normal life. Sam didn't really see it, but they have a good argument and he doesn't really trust his own judgment as much as he used to.

Which is precisely why he's glad when Dean finally wakes up and gives up on the whole apple pie thing to help them out with this new outbreak of monsters. When Dean manages to get Castiel to show in response to his call, it feels almost like things are finally getting back to normal.

Well, at least until Dean is objecting to Cas reading the kid. Sam doesn't quite get it, because Cas made it clear they didn't have any other choice to find this angel. They can't afford to have bits of the Staff lose on earth, so it has to be done - end of the conversation. Besides, the kid's unconscious anyway. Except his brother clearly doesn't agree. Working with Dean really is a whole lot different than hunting with the Campbells.

Even Castiel's declaration that heaven is engaged in a civil war isn't that disconcerting. After all, it wouldn't be their lives if there wasn't some huge anvil hanging over all their heads.

 

#### 6x04 (Weekend At Bobby's): Final Straw

Crowley screwing him over on the soul deal isn't a surprise. Bobby had pretty much expected that from the get-go. At the time, stopping the apocalypse had been more important - he'd figured on dealing with getting the lien off his soul if the whole world didn't burn. Didn't stop it from suddenly seeming a whole lot more pressing in the aftermath. He may supposedly have ten years and more than a couple leads, but you don't get to be an old hunter by screwing yourself out of the chance to make multiple backup plans.

Except he's already got a lot of demands on his time on a regular day. Even then, he normally wouldn't say anything when Dean calls up to complain, but it's just finally one thing too much. On top of the deal he made hanging over his head, all the monsters in the world suddenly deciding to break centuries of patterns, and the crap going on with Rufus popping back into his life, he just doesn't have any patience left for the Winchester whine hour.

Bobby knows he's a crotchety old grump and the last thing he wants to do is ask anyone for help. It isn't until both Rufus and the Winchesters have put themselves out there the second he hints at his frustration that he realizes he's being an idjit by refusing to get past that. He is still a little sorry for snapping, but actually getting some acknowledgment from those kids isn't something he regrets hearing at all.

 

#### 6x05 (Live Free Or Twihard): A Perfectly Good Plan

The vampire scheme taken as a whole doesn't make much sense. Oh, the part about luring dumb teenage girls by capitalizing on the whole bad vampire literature craze is a brilliant move on the monster's part. Easy food is easy food, after all. The business with the blood bank heists doesn't make any sense, though. Yet it does fit in with the general pattern they've been seeing of monsters acting strange that he and the Campbells have been seeing and trying to figure out for months now.

If they can figure out why the vampires are doing this, maybe they can get an idea of what's behind the big picture, but the only way that's going to happen is to get someone into that nest. Except they've got no clue where it is and aren't likely to get answers while chopping heads off. As soon as Sam catches up with Dean and realizes the vampire is trying to turn rather than kill him, it's too good of a chance to pass up. He knows Samuel has got a cure and Dean is too stubborn to give in and hurt anyone before he's got the intelligence they need – it couldn't be more perfect.

Of course, he wonders if maybe he's making another one of those questionable decisions when Dean completely freaks out on him and wants to be killed right away. Then his brother completely disappears out of the bathroom window, and Sam really thinks he's actually miscalculated this time. It would be a shame; he really does prefer hunting with Dean, even if it clearly hasn't fixed everything that's wrong with him.

In the end, it all works out just as well as he had hoped it might. Sam does realize, though that the others don't see it that way – and it was closer than he had calculated. He was probably right when he thought that he needed Dean to balance him out. He just has to keep his brother from knowing that this was on purpose, that's all.

 

#### 6x06 (You Can't Handle The Truth): Shattered Falsehoods

This whole thing with not being able to trust Sam is really creeping him out. Yet it has been living with him – eating, sleeping, working – for a good long time now and done nothing worse than let him get turned by that vamp. Dean doesn't have any idea what kind of game the thing masquerading as his brother could be playing for this long, but that doesn't mean there isn't one. Bobby can't find anything, and that's almost as disconcerting as being constantly on edge, wondering if today's the day his supposed brother turns on him. What he is sure of is that for all that it looks like Sam, and can talk like Sam, the minute there's some more expedient thing to do, he drops the facade and stops acting like Sam at all.

Cas being so sure that he's not been bunking with Lucifer is a bit of a relief, but not much. He's far more annoyed that the angel has been so completely absent. Dean doesn't expect Cas to pop in and solve all his problems, but this Sam thing has been killing him and he'd thought the guy was his friend.

He's so out of sorts that it takes him a few seconds to realize what's happened despite the stuff the bartender immediately starts over-sharing after he grumbles about wanting the truth. After the call with Bobby, he's thinking this will actually be helpful but he really should have known better. He starts to get a glimpse of how wrong he was when Lisa calls and it's suddenly less surprising the curse's victims offed themselves. Dean can't bring himself to actually explain to Lisa how close he came to being the monster that came for her and Ben and without an explanation, he doesn't really blame her for being pissed at him.

He should have known he wasn't good enough to play at normal even part-time. He did want normal, but he's spent too long in the life to be anything more than what he is and he's not willing to take the chance anymore of dragging anyone else down with him.

Once they've downed the goddess, he turns to the shadow of his brother and the thing is, he does believe what he says, more or less. That only makes him more sure that he can't afford to turn his back on the guy now that Sam has told him that something's wrong.

 

#### 6x07 (Family Matters): Logic and Instincts

Waking up to an interrogation isn't among Sam's favorite things, and he really doesn't get why Dean is so angry. Of course, having Dean pissed at him without knowing why is not a new experience since he's come back from hell. To be fair, it wasn't entirely uncommon before that, either.

In a way, it's kind of a relief that Cas is able to tell them what's wrong even though Sam knows intellectually that missing one's soul sounds like a pretty bad thing. He hasn't felt right, but he does feel more or less like himself, and honestly, that was why he wanted to work with Dean instead of the Campbells in the first place. His brother may be impetuous, but Sam knows he trusts Dean's judgment, even if he doesn't entirely understand the underlying reasons why anymore.

That Dean picks up weird vibes from Samuel and Sam's own lies and asks questions Sam never would have though to ask just confirms that maybe Dean's right about his instincts being terrible. Even when Dean clearly doesn't trust him or his decisions, his brother still straight-up tells Sam that. It's pretty clear he never got the same consideration from Samuel.

He had no idea of everything that their grandfather was hiding. Yet within a day of when he comes clean to Dean, Sam's pretty sure he knows everything there was to know that Samuel was keeping in the dark. It only confirms his original feeling that the most sensible place for him to be is with his brother.

 

#### 6x08 (All Dogs Go To Heaven): Outward Appearances

It's not like Sam likes working for Crowley, either. They just don't have any choice, and it's pretty irritating Dean refuses to see that, even after they already talked about it when they let Samuel go. Not that he understood that one either. Sam agreed to let Dean call the shots, because he does believe he's better with his brother, but that doesn't mean he doesn't find Dean's choices frustrating.

Besides not wanting to work with Crowley despite the situation, he doubts Dean is going to be willing to actually turn anyone over to the demon after the hesitates over Cal. Except, yeah, Dean was right about that and he turns out to be right over Amanda and that they aren't looking at a werewolf, either. He's also got to hand it to his brother for knowing exactly what pressure to apply to the skinwalker to get some answers.

It's true enough that a lot of how he's been acting has been how he thinks that he should, from what he remembers. Obviously it hasn't worked perfectly, because it never really fooled Dean that well. Still, it has been a fair amount of work, and it's kind of a relief for Dean to release him from that responsibility of pretending. He can't really quantify it any better than what he says to Dean, but he does mean it. There was just something about being Sam and actually feeling things, even when those things were pretty terrible, that he finds himself missing. It also doesn't hurt that he's smart enough to know hunting alone is too dangerous and Dean won't stick with him forever if he doesn't eventually go back to being the brother he remembers.

 

#### 6x09 (Clap Your Hands If You Believe), Take One: A Bad Decision

Sam pretending to be normal had been driving him batty, but Sam no longer pretending isn't actually any easier to stomach. The way he goes off on crazy fairy lady is just completely unprofessional, and if she had been important to their investigation Sam would have screwed them over by talking to her like that.

The palpable lack of concern in Sam's voice when he's being chased through a freakin' cornfield by some kind of ufo is just the icing on the creeptastic cake. At least that's how it seems until he comes back to Sam boning some ufo nut after being freakin' abducted by obnoxious glowy bastards.

Just when he's sure this case has reached its highest levels of possible whack-a-doodle, it turns out they're not even dealing with ET. No, this is fairies and their only source of knowledge is – of course – crazy fairy lady. At least she's gracious enough to not care about how rude Sam was previously, and she does explain why Sam seems to be suddenly unable to see certain things.

When Dean ends up tackling some random person in confusion because he's already had fairies try to grab him twice and he's sure someone's following him, Dean starts to wish they'd never taken this case. Getting wailed on by creepy stare guy who can appear and disappear at will just confirms it.

After, when he's actually sure there can not be anything else to make it all worse, he finds himself worried that Sam's lying about wanting his soul back. It's clear the guy totally doesn't get why a soul is a good thing, and Dean isn't good enough with words, if there even are any, to explain why it so clearly is. It's not that he thinks Sam should have tried to make a deal – they're Winchesters and that sort of thing always screws them somehow – but when they have no leads at all and Sam didn't even seem to have stopped to consider it? Yeah, it got worse.

 

#### 6x09 (Clap Your Hands If You Believe), Take Two: A Bad Deal

What Sam said to Dean is true. He doesn't care about his brother like he remembers doing before. The fact that he remembers it does makes a difference, though. He cares what happens to Dean, it's just a little more abstract now. Definitely more than his brother would like, he's pretty sure, and that's why Sam says what he does. Maybe if Dean stops expecting him to be souled-Sam, he'll stop being so aggravated at everything Sam says or does.

It is a relief to have to stop pretending, too, he wasn't exaggerating about that. This whole time he'd been having to analyze and reanalyze everything he said through the lens of what earlier-Sam would have done. Now, he doesn't have to go to all that effort of holding back, and maybe Dean will be able to explain some of the reasons for all those things he knows he's not supposed to say or do but doesn't really understand anymore.

Except Dean isn't any less cranky than before and still doesn't seem to accept anything Sam does without shouting or at least grumbling. That's only one reason that Sam is glad that Dean wants the two of them to split up. With his brother distracted, Sam does what he's been meaning to do since Dean picked up on the old man's lies, and he manages to get the whole story pretty quick. It's not like he even had to beat it out of the old guy, either, so Sam isn't sure what Dean was so irked about.

Another thing really wearing on him is that it seems like every single creature he's come across since he found out about his missing soul can apparently just tell. It would have been nice if one of them had mentioned it back when he started hunting with the Campbells and was feeling so out of sorts not able to tell quite what it was that was wrong.

Thing is the guy is possibly telling the truth about being able to get into the cage. Their source of information had said the fairies came from some other kind of dimension or something like that, and it's already been clear there are quite a few ways that the rules normal to this one don't apply to them. Problem is, he also knows about the poor chump who owned this shop and lost his son in a deal he didn't fully understand. Coupled with Dean's words about his lack of instincts as well as his own confusion as to exactly what a soul is good for, well, it doesn't make any sense to even consider it.

 

#### 6x10 (Caged Heat): Getting Strung Along

Sam is starting to get really annoyed at Dean's constant questioning of him. He keeps asking if Sam really wants his soul back, complaining about Crowley, and generally getting so tangled up in those annoying soul-borne emotions that he can't see straight. The exact same problem hampers Dean from being able to see that they can use Meg and her lackeys to get what they want – to do exactly what his brother has been demanding, find a way to get out of working for Crowley.

Thing is, maybe Dean isn't really wrong, because the more time he's spent thinking about it, the less sure he is that having a soul is really a good thing. Dean's got a point about some of the things he can't understand without having a soul, but Dean also clearly doesn't see how having one blinds him to other things. Sam just wishes his brother would cut the constant nagging, because he is still planning on getting his soul back.

Or at least he was, until he overheard Cas talking about the state his soul was gonna be in. It was one thing to not understand what a soul did for him, it was entirely another to inflict the broken remnants of a soul on himself, where death was apparently one of the better possible outcomes. Especially when Crowley, Castiel, and Meg all agree on how deeply terrible the idea is. No thank you.

Dean refuses understand that, though, so it's just as well that Crowley had lied about being able to get the thing back. Hopefully when it becomes clear there's no other way, Dean will eventually come to terms with things being the way they are.

 

#### 6x11 (Appointment in Samarra): A Tear in the Fabric of Life

It's not that Dean didn't hear the warnings from Cas, Crowley, and Meg. The problem is, as much as he's actually grown fond of Cas, all three of them are creatures, most of them are evil, and they just don't understand. His brother may be walking and talking, but it isn't really Sam and he can't trust it. From the lying whenever it was convenient when they first reunited, through all the crap with Samuel, and culminating in the vampire incident that could have gotten Lisa and Ben killed, the guy is a ticking time bomb and there's no telling when he'll next go off. So something has got to be done, and clearly no one but Dean is going to do anything.

The only thing he really regrets is that there wasn't some way to try and implement his last resort plan without Sam finding out ahead of time. Dean blames himself for not anticipating just how low soulless Sam would sink to try and thwart Dean's efforts. He's just incredibly lucky he makes it back as soon as he does.

Of course, in his defense, he was a little distracted by playing at being Death for a day. He doesn't really understand why he's been given the task until he does. It finally sinks in when he gives up after screwing up, as he's damn sure Death knew that he would. He wanted Dean to see just how badly out of whack someone surviving past their expiration date threw everything around them.

Dean is still alive when he shouldn't be, so many times over now. Chaos and sadness, yeah, that's an understatement. He'd thought before that it was just crap luck, or individual failures stacking up when good people all around them kept dying, but no. His and Sam's very existences are disruptive, which means he can't even begin to gauge how many lives they've ruined that they don't even know about. On an apparently global scale. Sure, maybe averting the apocalypse did something to balance that scale a bit, but that doesn't magically make it better.

Well, he gets that part of the message, loud and clear. Yeah, he honestly would kill the little girl if he had to do it over again, but he's pretty sure he couldn't make the same choice if they were talking about Sam. He couldn't even bring himself to do anything about the soulless remnant impersonating his brother before Death decided to fix him, and no new mountain of guilt is likely to change that. They're both just damn lucky Death currently finds them useful, even if Dean has no idea what his cryptic instructions regarding investigating souls are all about.

 

#### 6x12 (Like A Virgin): What Makes a Man

Dean doesn't appreciate Cas' attitude at all. It's not like there was really some other choice; Sam wasn't Sam without his soul. If the angel can't see that, well, he hasn't exactly been around enough to have an opinion, has he?

What was Dean supposed to do, be okay with leaving his brother's soul down in the Cage forever? No matter how torn up it might be now, it still has to be better off out of that. The soulless revenant he's been partnering with for a year may have been able to reason like a person and pretend to be a person, but it wasn't any better than the monsters they hunt.

Not to mention that it's hardly like Death would have gone to the trouble of retrieving Sam's soul and putting the wall up if there wasn't a decent chance of this working. Of course Dean's going to take any chance he can to try and get Sam back instead of just killing him, even if it could backfire badly. The only thing he could have lost here was a poor imitation of his brother; the part that makes Sam himself was in hell this whole time, that's all there is to it. Maybe you need to actually have a soul to understand that.

Besides, Cas is just plain wrong anyway. Sam does wake up and Dean has his brother back again - for real this time - and that was worth any risk. Maybe it's not perfect, but Sam is out of hell, and not having to worry about what his partner might do on top of whatever monster they're after is a huge relief. Even if it turns out Bobby was right and trying to hide things from Sam about the past year and a half wasn't going to work very long.

 

#### 6x13 (Unforgiven): Easier Said

It's not that he doesn't have concerns, although he does think maybe Dean is being a little too paranoid. He does believe his brother about Death's warning being important, it's just not the only thing Sam has to worry about.

Sam figures from what he managed to get out of Cas and his brother that he didn't manage to do anything too terrible while he was working with Dean – not from lack of trying, considering what he attempted to do to Bobby, but it's a small comfort. On the other hand, considering the whole situation with Samuel Campbell and Crowley, there's no telling what he might have done before that, and it's eating him up. Dean can say as many times as he wants that what happened while he was soulless isn't on Sam, but they both know that it is. Sam doesn't blame his brother for worrying and wanting him to forget – but Dean would never excuse himself in the same situation and Sam can't either.

Especially with this case, since what is happening now is because he screwed things up somehow back then. He can't walk away from the opportunity to make something right when he stumbles right into it, and he can't help wondering what else he might have done. It doesn't matter that he shouldn't, the worry and the gnawing sense of guilt won't let him just forget.

 

#### 6x14 (Mannequin 3: The Reckoning): Resurfacing

He was upset that Sam had wanted to stay and see the case through when memories started coming back, but Dean had to be realistic. Sam is and always has been a stubborn son of a bitch, and more than that, he doesn't know where Sam was during that time he was living with Lisa. If the two of them rolling into Anywhereville, USA is going to have adverse effects, maybe it's better that they figure that out now.

It seems like a logical enough reason to avoid continuing an argument he already knows he's not going to be able to win. None of that matters when Sam suddenly collapses on him, though. He was so sure that this whole wall thing could work, at least for a while, but in that moment he's swallowed in doubt and terror that it's just not going to hold.

As if that's not enough to be worried about, Ben sends out an SOS. Lisa's tried to call him a few times since they dealt with that truth-cursing cat goddess, but he hasn't picked up. Despite knowing that the curse had put the truth in the worst possible light, it had still all been the truth. Lisa may have said she was willing to try to make it work, but she had never really thought it would, and that was enough reason to stop making excuses to drag them down with him. It doesn't make it hurt any less to have to actually see Lisa moving on, but she needs to, and apparently Ben needs to hear more directly what's going on.

Like Sam's memories from hell and while his body was wandering around soulless, Dean had hoped that he could just move on and leave Lisa and Ben behind as something in the past. It's the way he prefers to deal with most things that can't really be dealt with, but some things just refuse to stay buried.

 

#### 6x15 (The French Mistake): The Surreal Life

So they're stopping in at Bobby's to see if there's anything new on the big bad and just to take a break. The last thing Sam expects is for Balthazar to appear out of nowhere and toss them into a different world where their lives are a television show. Sam and Dean have been through some really, really weird things, but this? This is just unbelievable.

Every time he thinks they've reached a pinnacle of weird, it somehow becomes even more creepily surreal. Padalecki's house is just – the hugeness of it, the pictures of himself, and then the actress who plays Ruby being his _wife_. Somehow even that pales compared to attempting to play himself on camera and being so clearly terrible at it, if the number of times they have to keep doing the same scene over and over and over again is any indication.

It's actually kind of a relief when Virgil shows up, and not just because it indicates that there's gotta be some way to get home from here. Because what he tells Dean is true, he does want to go home. Yeah, in theory being a rich tv star with a gorgeous wife living in a mansion sounds great, but that's not Sam's life. It isn't one of his dreams, isn't based on any of his accomplishments, doesn't contain his friends, and his brother is some guy that everyone is shocked he's even willing to talk to.

After it's all over, he does spare a moment or two to wonder about the guys whose lives those actually were. Did Jared and Jensen disappear never to be seen again? Were they temporarily tossed into Sam and Dean's world? Were Sam and Dean wearing them like suits the whole time?

 

#### 6x16 (… And Then There Were None): Regrets and Forgiveness

Sam doesn't remember Samuel all that well, but he thinks it says an awful lot that Gwen seems to half believe it when she storms out of the room on Bobby's word before asking Dean anything. Their grandfather was kind of a creep even before the ghoul thing from what his brother had been willing to say, which kind of makes Sam wonder why Gwen was still hunting with him anyway.

When he shoots Samuel, he's pretty sure the monster worm thing is in him. They're in a situation where they can't be sure of anyone and the man refused to drop his gun, it seemed pretty clear cut. When Bobby can't find any goo, though, Sam feels guilty. Dean is right, the two of them don't owe Samuel anything after what he did, but he doesn't want to have killed someone who only acted like a monster. It's bad enough that they end up killing people all the time to get rid of demons, and he doesn't want to have crossed that line.

Thankfully, it turns out he didn't. Of course, shortly after that realization they've all got bigger problems. Six veteran hunters walked into that cannery to take out that worm, and only three came back out alive. It was only another minion, like the trail of monsters that lead them to it. How can they even hope to deal with Eve herself?

Before they try to get a handle on that, they have to say goodbye to Rufus. It's been a while now, but as well as he and Dean know each other, his brother can still surprise Sam. Dean can hold a grudge like nobody's business, and it seems like he never really gets over some things – and maybe he doesn't, but it means a lot that he insists none of that really matters. Some days Sam feels like no one could possibly forgive him for all the bad things he's done, so it means a lot to hear that Dean, at least on some level, does.

 

#### 6x17 (My Heart Will Go On): Drawing the Line

The universe where their lives were a television show and their counterparts were actors was pretty damn trippy. Dean honestly isn't sure which is weirder, that or this. Balthazar un-sunk a cruise ship and their own lives are apparently different in any number of little ways – most importantly, Ellen and Jo are alive. Yet things seem like they are the same way that they've always been. It's freaky to think about.

Then there's the part where Fate is apparently an actual thing that's wandering around killing everyone descended from those cruise passengers. Even better, apparently she's pissed off at him and Sam about the non-apocalypse, according to Cas. Hearing Death tell him that his and Sam's continuing to live was a disruption to the whole world was bad enough, but Fate having them on her shitlist, too? No wonder their lives suck.

Dean does appreciate that Cas talked sense into Balthazar to save him and Sam, he does. He just can't feel entirely comfortable with the idea that their lives just got traded for fifty thousand other people's. Or more accurately, fifty thousand plus at least two more.

As if that wasn't bad enough, the whole thing brings up another concern. Dean had kind of hoped that even if the angels had screwed them with that alternate reality decoy nonsense that having heaven's weapons would have given team Cas an edge. However, if Cas' closest allies up there are guys like Balthazar, running around messing with history and pissing off Fate because of a crap movie, well, Dean doesn't see how they can be going that well. Which only makes it more frustrating that there doesn't seem to be anything he and Sam can do to help and that Cas won't even tell them what's going on so they know what exactly to worry about.

 

#### 6x18 (Frontierland): Justifications

Dean does have a moment where he actually feels a little bad over what Rachel is ranting at them about being crappy friends to Cas. It's only a fleeting moment, however, because she's wrong. Yeah, lately the only times they've called the angel is because they needed something, but that's because he is off _fighting a war_. As his friends, the last thing they want to do is risk distracting Cas in the middle of something, and that's why they haven't called him except when it was an emergency. If prissy angel chick wasn't so far up her own ass, she'd realize that just because something isn't angel business doesn't mean it's not important.

Yeah, Dean admits he has a thing for westerns and the opportunity to go back in time is too cool for words, but they do have a legitimate reason. They've never even heard of a phoenix before, so the likelihood of finding another one any time soon – without even knowing what they're looking for? Not likely. Besides, once Cas himself shows up, he doesn't have anything negative to say about the plan, so screw Rachel and her unsolicited opinions.

Of course, he shouldn't be as surprised as he is that it's nothing like the movies. It's also just their luck that they kill the phoenix and get transported back home before they can actually get the ash – they're just damn lucky Samuel Colt was on top of things.

 

#### 6x19 (Mommy Dearest): Fool Me Once

Dean's glad they managed to gank Eve, because apparently the bitch was all about dirty tricks. Between making herself look like their mother and fooling them with that little kid turned monster, she more than had it coming. There was not just a little bit of satisfaction in being able to tell her straight up to screw off after the offer to work for her after being forced into cooperating with Crowley for months.

In terms of Crowley still being kicking somewhere, well, that's not happy news but they've got no reason to doubt she's being truthful. Dean doesn't know how Cas could have made that mistake, but then again it's not like they really know what the extent of Cas' powers are and Crowley always has been a slippery bastard. If anybody could make a fake set of bones that'd fool an angel, Crowley would.

Which is part of why Dean can't quite believe what Bobby's saying, nor that Sam clearly agrees – even if he won't quite come out and say it. Yeah, Cas has been acting pretty squirrelly ever since the apocalypse. There's good reason for that, though, he's fighting a war in heaven against an archangel. That would put anybody on edge.

Maybe Dean's been kind of hard on the guy himself, but that's just how he is. Cas is a friend and an ally. Sure he's been impatient and kind of harsh, but those aren't exactly new things, and he's got reason to be stressed out and less amicable than normal. Neither that nor the fact he made a pretty big mistake are good enough reasons to doubt him. Dean can't listen to this – because they owe Cas a lot of trust and still some underlying instinct of his agrees with Bobby and Sam and he hates himself for it.

 

#### 6x20 (The Man Who Would Be King): The Right Path

Castiel didn't think that he would ever look back on his time fighting against the apocalypse on the side of free will as being simple. Yet compared to all the choices and consequences he's had to confront since then, it was all so much clearer. He knew what was right and wrong and while there were big questions about if they would ever have a hope of winning, Cas never really questioned that he was doing the right thing. The longer this civil war in heaven has continued on, the more and more he begins to doubt every decision he's making and he can't see a clear righteous path.

Then again, maybe that was just the Winchesters. Somehow they always manage to make the right decision seem so obvious. He's been telling himself ever since he first decided to hear out Crowley's proposal that he was making the best decisions he could and he wasn't doing anything wrong. Except if that were really true, Dean's accusation he wouldn't have lied about it would not ring with uncomfortable truth.

Cas hasn't felt right about his partnership with Crowley for a long while now, if he ever really did. The confrontation with Bobby and the Winchesters only forces him to confront what he's been trying not to think about. It leaves him praying for the first time in a long time, desperate for some validation that there is a right path to take. His faith had been restored after they beat impossible odds and he was brought back to life, but he hasn't much thought about God since then and he's unsurprised not to get an answer.

Cas doesn't know if what he's doing is right, but he's sure Dean's wrong about at least one thing. It's too late to go back, because Cas doesn't have another plan and he can't let the archangel restart the apocalypse. He hates his friends can't see that right now, but once the danger is over, they'll have to see it was all for the best. He can regain their trust when the world isn't in danger anymore.

 

#### 6x21 (Let It Bleed): Things Best Forgotten

Cas keeps asking for trust, but he's doing it too late. It's true enough that Dean thinks the angel's plan is just plain bad, but if Cas hadn't lied about it over and over, maybe he'd be willing to back it. This would hardly be the first terrible plan they've gone through with when they had no better option. But you just can't lie to someone that long and then demand they trust you.

Dean would like to believe Cas had no idea about Lisa and Ben being held hostage, but how can he? Maybe Cas didn't know, maybe he really does mean well and truly believes this whole thing with the souls isn't going to backfire terribly. When Dean doesn't even know enough to know just how much Cas has lied to them, though, he can't. He does consider Cas family and hates thinking about what they might have to do to stop the angel, but caring about him doesn't excuse Cas from putting their whole world in danger by opening a door to monsterland.

It would be easier if Dean didn't care, and if Cas coming to heal Lisa and accepting Dean's suggestion to wipe their memories didn't make it clear he does, too. Dean does feel some guilt about that, but he thinks it was the right decision. Not because of all the times he's thought that Lisa and Ben would be better off never having met him since the djinn interrupted his attempt at normal life. Not because of how rough he was with Ben getting Lisa out, though he does feel bad about that. It's not even entirely because they'd otherwise spend the rest of their lives in fear of what might come after them because they know Dean, though that does play a part.

The thing he doesn't want is for the two of them to have to live on remembering Lisa's possession. The words that John Winchester said to him while possessed by Azazel still ring through his head to this day. Even with all he knows of demons and how they lie, that memory still haunts him sometimes. He won't have a similar experience screwing up Ben or leaving Lisa feeling unwarranted guilt forever. So he had Cas fix their memories to remove the whole mess he made of their lives and give them a new set of memories featuring a relocation somewhere Crowley shouldn't be able to find them. There's no doubt in his mind he's a terrible person for taking away their choices like that, but it's not like being a complete screw up is new to him.

 

#### 6x22 (The Man Who Knew Too Much): Humans and Monsters

The thing is, Dean had been getting the impression that Cas was losing touch with reality ever since they confronted him about his deal with Crowley. The desperate justifications without any information to back it up, the way he kept insisting they just needed to go along with whatever plan he was fronting without asking any questions. Cas just goes on like a broken record about Raphael and demands their trust. That's not how you treat family, friends, allies, or whatever the hell he wants to claim they are to him; that's how you treat subordinates.

Dean knows that he's not the most reasonable person ever. He's impulsive and he ignores good advice sometimes, and now and then he's just plain wrong. If Bobby and Sam and Cas had all come to him about some plan of his, well, Dean won't say he wouldn't go ahead with his idea anyway, but he'd at least listen and try to get them to understand.

To hear that he helped torture Bobby's old friend, it makes Dean sick, but he still believes it's just stubbornness and desperation brought on by thus stupid angel civil war. It isn't the first time Cas turned to torture to try and get information, after all. He can't keep fooling himself anymore after Cas breaks Sam's wall, though. Right when it happens, he's too stunned to even get angry about it. Even if they're currently on opposite sides and he expected Cas to do something to try and stop them from interfering, he didn't really expect it to go this far. It wasn't that Dean ever exactly forgot that Cas wasn't human, but he'd gotten out of the habit of thinking that mattered where the angel was concerned. Cas had said that he thought of Dean, Sam, and Bobby just as much as Dean did, but if he could really feel that the way a human does, he couldn't have done that to Sam. It's just that simple.

It would be bad enough to find himself doubting he had ever really understood Cas at all, but then it still manages to get worse by the next time they see him. As soon as he's able to get off the floor and get a good look at the angel, something about the way he's holding himself just pings Dean's radar. When he starts talking, that slides right into a visceral fear that makes the hair on the back of his neck stands up.

By this point, Dean doesn't really have any hope of talking Cas down. He's questioning everything he thought he knew about the angel their entire acquaintance and clearly this detached version with superpowers isn't even the same creature. He has to try, though, if for no other reason than to distract the angel long enough for them to come up with some other plan.


	7. Season Seven

#### 7x01 (Meet The New Boss): Seeing Through

The thing is, when he tells Dean that he's fine it's true. Unfortunately, it doesn't stay true very long at all. He's on his way to tell Dean and Bobby when he overhears their conversation, and he just can't add another burden to their load right now. Especially not with Cas running about the world killing whoever he has a whim to.

Their plan to bargain with Crowley to find a way to bind Death to kill Cas isn't the greatest or least complicated plan ever. Sam still thinks that trying to talk to Cas is a better option, because he's got to believe that Cas is still Cas and they can save their friend.

Dean won't listen to that, though, because his brother is just too angry, and under that, too upset. It's so quintessentially Dean to want to push all the hurt away and just get rid of the problem so he can forget it. If Sam didn't know his brother as well as he does, he might even buy that Dean was just pissed off at Cas and not also worried for him, which he wouldn't be if he actually believed Cas wasn't still in there, somewhere.

Things are actually looking up for just a moment – Death gave them a solution and Cas, out of seemingly nowhere, is showing up to go along with it on his own initiative. Sam really should have expected that there would be something else going wrong to balance that out. After all the warnings about just how bad hell had screwed his soul up, Sam should have expected something worse than a couple of simple hallucinations.

 

#### 7x02 (Hello, Cruel World): Piece By Piece It Falls Apart

Dean doesn't have friends. The lives the Winchester family has lead haven't been conducive to that since he was four years old, so he's got Sam and Bobby and that's been pretty much it. There were a few hunters now and then he was friendly with, and Ellen and Jo were pretty close for a while, but that had been it until Castiel. The nerdy little angel dude had pulled him out of hell and then full-on rebelled against heaven just because Dean asked him to, and they'd almost died for each other more times that Dean wants to think about.

The thing that really pisses him off, watching that black cloud of leviathan explode out of the water where Cas' former vessel went in, is that he doesn't want to care. Cas refused to listen to anyone else and betrayed him, betrayed Sam, and went on a killing spree across the whole freaking world as if he was just another crazy monster. Five minutes before, when Cas was desperately making promises about how he was going to make it right somehow, Dean had been sure there wasn't any way for it to ever be alright again. Which is why it pisses him off so bad that he's upset Cas didn't survive to try, he shouldn't care and he doesn't want to. No matter how bad someone you care about hurts you, it's not just a switch you can flip off.

Dean wants to just push it down and forget it, but he can't. So he settles instead on focusing as best as he can on trying to get answers from Sam about exactly what he's hallucinating and helping Bobby try to track down the leviathan. It doesn't completely help, but it's the best he can do for now.

They're all just hanging on by a thread, Sam more than any of them. Dean never thought that his experience in hell would ever be good for anything, but for the first time he finds himself relieved that it happened. With what he knows about hell and torture, he can actually help Sam – he can't fix it, but he can do something, and right now being able to do something about anything is downright necessary to his sanity.

 

#### 7x03 (The Girl Next Door): When The Past Comes Calling

When you're constantly moving around, you really don't find many people you can connect to. Even when you're trying, people just don't have the experiences you do. So Sam definitely remembers Amy, because it was the first time that he ever really connected to anyone that wasn't family. Aside from the fact that she was a kind of monster, they had almost the exact same life back then.

He remembers her fondly, even after all these years, enough that he's willing to listen to her story. Not only does he listen to it, but he believes it, and he does owe her. All the things he and Dean have been willing to do for each other, he can't find it in him to blame Amy for killing a few people to save her kid.

Sam isn't surprised Dean shows up and punches him in the face. It's not that he didn't realize that taking off so soon after he's started to regain some grip on reality after having the wall in his head broken would cause his brother to freak out. He just had to see to this himself, because kitsune are rare and he'd needed to fix the situation himself if these men were being murdered thanks to a mistake he'd made years ago. He hadn't expected Dean to understand letting Amy go, either back then or now, so he'd needed to go alone. Except Dean surprises him by seeming completely unbothered once Sam explains. Maybe he's underestimated his brother again.

 

#### 7x04 (Defending Your Life): Guilty

Dean feels incredibly guilty when Sam thanks him for letting Amy go, because he didn't. He couldn't. The thing about being a hunter is you set yourself up in judgment of things that the law can't deal with, and Sam's old girlfriend was dropping bodies. He gets why she did it, he even sympathizes, but what's to say this is the last time her kid gets sick? How many lives does she get to take before it's too many? Being a hunter, you have to draw that line, and Sam is too close to do it.

Maybe Sam's right and she never would have killed again, but if she did, that would be on them. You make those calls and you just have to deal with that in the same way you have to deal with the fact there are always going to be people you're too late to save. It doesn't mean you don't feel guilt or regret.

The long years he's spent as a hunter, there are too many people he's failed in one way or another, with Sam and Cas just being the latest. He recognizes objectively that most of the crap isn't exactly his fault or that in some situations he couldn't have made a better call – that doesn't mean he doesn't feel the weight of his part in it and that's all this stupid Egyptian douche cares about.

It's like he said to Sam when they first figured out what this case was about; he's not going to complain when his own ghosts come calling. He can't help that Osiris was right, part of him did want to be judged and punished.

 

#### 7x05 (Shut Up, Dr. Phil): Conflict Resolution

The thing is, Sam knows he and Dean just don't really tend to see things quite the same way all the time. He wouldn't say it to his brother, but it's one of the reasons that they work pretty well together – they don't usually approach cases the same way and sometimes it's helpful in getting a better view of the whole picture.

One of the ways in which he doesn't really appreciate that they aren't the same is how they handle their problems. It's not that Sam hasn't spent some serious time feeling guilty for things he's done, but drowning himself in it isn't going to help anyone, so he's decided not to. Dean doesn't ever seem to stop feeling guilty, and Sam notices that it's been even worse lately, even before the debacle with Osiris.

Dean starts drinking lately when he gets up and barely stops until passing out again, and it's driving Sam crazy. He knows going at it directly will just make Dean clam up even harder, but he can't stop himself from at least making an offer to listen. He's never been okay with how Dean tries to handle things by pushing them down until they explode, but if his brother hasn't learned better by now, he probably never will.

 

#### 7x06 (Slash Fiction): Surface Tension

Meeting Frank Devereaux is quite an experience. The guy is definitely one of a kind, but with their faces plastered all over the news across the country, he and Dean need all the help they can get. Losing his laptop and having to put the Impala in storage aren't any more comfortable for him than they are for Dean, but complaining about it isn't going to do them any good.

At first he's interested in what the fake version of Dean has to say, both because he can use the extra time stalling in the vague hope of some kind of reprieve from being eaten and to get some better handle on what these creatures are. And he does; the fact that the leviathan describes him and his brother as wasting their talents and opportunity to subjugate, well, it does say explain a bit about why there haven't been a great deal of massacres. The leviathans are shooting for something much bigger and more complicated than the average monster.

He talks back to it out of little more than habit, not expecting that it'll be able to say anything that'll really bother him. He should have known better. All the crap that he and Dean have been through, all the issues they've had with one another, all the times Dean has complained about his lies – he just can't believe Dean went behind his back. He'd been so surprised when Dean hadn't put up any kind of fight about his letting Amy go, he'd been prepared to try and argue her case, but wasn't sure he'd win. He had wanted to believe Amy, but she had killed people. He just hates the lack of respect it took for Dean to kill her and lie to him about it. They're supposed to be brothers and partners and that's not going to work out if he can't trust Dean to at least respect him enough to tell the truth.

 

#### 7x07 (The Mentalists): Seeing Into The Future

Dean isn't surprised that killing Amy has come back to haunt him. He's been feeling guilty about it ever since it happened – she was a friend of Sam's and a mother who had only killed anyone out of pure desperation. He hated doing it, but you had to draw the line somewhere and in every other case they'd always drawn the line at any non-humans who were killing people.

Yeah, he probably shouldn't have lied to Sam about it, but he was barely able to trust Sam wasn't lying again about how strong his grip on reality was. On top of that, he hadn't wanted to have to argue about it when it was so clear Sam's mind was clouded by his previous associations with the chick. Honestly, he didn't really expect Sam to ever find out and now he's kind of lost as to how long his brother is going to hold this against him. And he tries, he really does, to be understanding and ignore Sam's pissy attitude because going behind his brother's back was shitty. His patience still wears through pretty quick, and after he has that weird invasive conversation with the guy at the museum, he just explodes.

Which, well, it kind of turns out for the best because his snapping seems to have pushed Sam to actually think a little bit more about things. Dean hates having to talk about his feelings, but he owes Sam something here, so he admits that he's not as sure as he wants to be after everything. He has to believe he did the right thing with Amy, because when it comes to monsters people's lives are on the line, but there is the chance he could have been wrong and that does bother him. With their lives, if you can't trust your instincts, you're in for a world of trouble, and after Cas betrayed them so thoroughly he's got so many new doubts about his own judgement.

 

#### 7x08 (Season 7, Time For A Wedding!): Self Absorption

Sam did need a little time on his own to sort things out in his head. Yeah, he'd already had a week and a half away from Dean, but he'd spent most of that time seething with anger, so it hadn't really done much for his state of mind. It turns out that his attempted camping trip didn't either, when it gets interrupted by Becky.

Before the drugging, Sam wouldn't have said he remembered Becky fondly. The woman was just a little too intense and obsessed, but he'd kind of hoped that she and Chuck would be good for each other. They'd both been a little weird and a little high-strung, so maybe somehow they'd balance each other out. Apparently not, because this was worse than anything he would have predicted out of her, even as strangely fanatical as she'd seemed.

Bad enough that she took away his will and tried to take advantage of him, things which he's really trying not to dwell too hard on because she is a human, but it was just as bad as being possessed or ghost-hijacked. As if he didn't already have enough messing with his head already. On top of that, after recent events, his relationship with his brother didn't need the strain of the things he'd said while under the influence. There were plenty of things that Sam thought in his head about Dean and his overprotective tendencies that he wouldn't ever want to say aloud. They were uncharitable and born out of frustration that his brother mostly didn't deserve to be derided over, and largely just came from being constantly in one another's back pockets for years.

Sure, Becky seems harmless on the surface and she was clearly desperate enough to delude herself about what she was getting into. Still, she didn't spare a single thought for anything or anyone in Sam's life beyond how it might get in the way of her possessing him like some kind of prize. It's a special kind of creepy and he really hopes that they never run into her again.

 

#### 7x09 (How To Win Friends And Influence Monsters): Underpinnings

Dean isn't actually all that eager to just let the world to end, despite what he says to Sam and Bobby. The problem is that it's just been one thing after another after another for far too long now. He's just frustrated and so tired of having the weight of literally saving the whole world on his shoulders. It's not something he would normally come right out and say, especially when it's just as weighing on Bobby and Sam and he doesn't want to make it worse for them. Then again, he's not usually under the influence of a suspicious sandwich so it's not entirely his fault.

He doesn't really expect the talk he gets from Bobby afterward. Yeah, he shouldn't really be surprised that he gets a dressing-down after the crap he was saying, but he is. For all that he and Sam rely on Bobby so much, he still somehow manages to forget from time to time how insightful the old guy is. He wasn't really ready to just give up, but it's still nice to get a direct verbal reminder that other people care about you, no matter how stern.

 

#### 7x10 (Death's Door): Under Pressure

Sam isn't remotely okay with the idea of Bobby dying, that's not it at all. He's just a realist, and the facts of the matter have been put to them pretty clear – the likelihood Bobby is going to survive this is very small. They've got to deal with that, but his brother is refusing to see it.

As if worrying about Bobby isn't enough, he has to worry about Dean, too. His brother's way of dealing with things is to push them down and refuse to actually deal until whatever he's feeling explodes, and Sam can already see the cracks. He and Dean make a pretty solid team most of the time, but when they aren't enough for one another, Bobby has always been there to hold them together and put things into perspective. If they lose Bobby, they aren't just losing a man who has been like a second father to them, they're also losing one of the last ties their lives have to any kind of external stability.

Maybe it wouldn't be quite so bad if Sam wasn't already dealing the best he can manage with his own mental problems right now. Yeah, he can tell what's real and what's not, but that doesn't mean the things he's hallucinating don't still bother him. That's the problem, they're all so close to the edge already; if they lose Bobby and Dean loses it...

 

#### 7x11 (Adventures in Babysitting): What Makes A Hunter

The last person he expects good advice on dealing with life from is Frank. The thing is, most hunters got into the life because something terrible happened. He hadn't really thought that through as to how it might apply to Frank. To be fair, he hadn't really thought much about Frank beyond what he and Sam could get from him because they were all deep in it when they met.

Dean was already feeling like he was drowning before Bobby, and now he's pretty much running on fumes and desperation. Maybe taking advice from paranoid weirdo Frank is crazy, but nothing else is working, might as well give crazy a try.

He hopes that Chrissy and her dad do manage to get out of the life, though he has to push down a certain amount of underlying skepticism. What the man said was true, he doesn't know anyone that managed to actually get out of the life and stay out. Dean knows that it's too late for him, so he's got to find something to get past everything eating at him right now. It's that or wind up dead, and while that might be restful, he can't abandon Sammy like that.

 

#### 7x12 (Time After Time): Anchors

Sam's been worried about his brother for a while already, but the obsession with Dick is a whole new disturbing trend. It's not that Sam doesn't get the impulse, he's certainly had his own revenge-driven episodes – but that's a big part of the reason he's so worried about it.

Of course, they're Winchesters, so it can always get worse, and it promptly does when Dean takes off half-cocked after something they haven't even managed to begin identifying. Sam's kind of at a loss, so even though he tries to warn her off, he's glad Jody volunteers to help him out because having someone to bounce ideas off is always something he's found helpful.

Although it certainly doesn't solve everything. Dean's probably permanently stuck in the past with no way back while Sam sits helpless to do anything around it surrounded by piles of Bobby's things. It shouldn't make things more painful than they already are, but it does.

He has to believe that Lila is wrong about what actually happened that night. It wouldn't be the first time he or Dean got choked nearly to death. It's been a lot of years and he imagines that the woman was probably pretty shaken up by the whole series of events. Dean has to make it back alive, because right now the two of them are the only thing holding each other together.

 

#### 7x13 (The Slice Girls): Binding Ties

The thing is, Dean gave up on the whole apple pie thing after Lisa. If it didn't work out for him then, it was never going to work, and he doesn't see the point of attempting to fool himself about it. He hadn't thought that it would really be a problem. Most of his interactions with the ladies had been of the one night stand variety, after all, with Lisa and Cassie being the only major exceptions.

Maybe it's because he's gotten older, maybe it's all of the crap that he's been through in the past couple of years, but that kind of temporary, shallow connection just leaves him feeling vaguely empty these days. A lot of the time anymore it just seems like too little payoff for the required effort.

He's not sure what he expected when he went back to Lidia's place the day after. What he didn't expect was to be brushed off with the wrong name. That was why he stuck with the love 'em and leave 'em gig in the first place, because he did not want to be the one left behind. He got enough of that from every other part of his life, thanks.

When Emma shows up at their motel room, he knows he's being manipulated. He knows it, but he's not quite sure what exactly the trap is. Worse, even though he knows that she's half-creature, he can't help but actually fall for it a bit – yeah, he doesn't trust the girl enough to turn his back on her, but she is his daughter. He can't help but wonder if maybe there isn't some way to save her.

He tells Sam that he wouldn't have let her go, and he's not actually sure whether or not that's true. Dean wants to believe that he wouldn't have let himself be taken down by a monster in such a transparent ploy, but a large part of him is really relieved that Sam was there to take the choice out of his hands. Even if he's a bitch about it afterward.

 

#### 7x14 (Plucky Pennywhistle's Magnical Menagerie): Childish

The thing is, Sam knows that he's being irrational. He and Dean face down terrifying monsters all the time, they've both even gone to Hell itself – and yet he still can't shake this stupid fear of clowns. He can't even really blame Dean for making fun of him because of it. That's the problem with phobias, though, they don't have to make any sense.

Of course, considering their luck in the course of the case the fear suddenly becomes significantly less irrational when he's set upon by a pair of indestructible clowns. Give him regular old bloodthirsty monsters over that any day. Luckily, he manages to control his fear well enough to beat them back long enough for Dean to take care of the guy responsible for the whole childhood traumas come to life fiasco.

When it's all said and done, he's not at all fond of the humiliation from being taunted about it. Also, it takes absolute ages to get rid of every last speck of the glitter. Those things aren't really important though. It's a plus that he managed to get a bit of a better handle on his fear of clowns, though it's not completely gone and he definitely hopes they never get another case involving clowns again. The real bonus, however, is that Sam honestly can't remember the last time he heard Dean laugh like that. Completely genuine without some undercurrent of bitterness to it. Given the choice he'd do the whole thing over again for that. Clowns and all.

 

#### 7x15 (Repo Man): Buckets O' Crazy

He's said it before and he's pretty sure he'll say it again after this: demons he gets, but people, man, they're just crazy. He and Sam hadn't even considered that the culprit was a non-possessed version of Jeffrey. The only thing they could have anticipated less was Laura being involved as well via blackmail.

It's really kind of annoying how often Dean finds himself chained up by some monster of one stripe or another. Even for crazy, Jeffrey and this particular demon are a whole special new level all to themselves. It makes sense that hell has recruiters topside, though he's never thought much on it before. They've got to have more avenues of express-lining souls to hell than just people making deals. Considering how many demons came topside for the whole aborted apocalypse shindig, maybe he should be more surprised they haven't run into a situation like this before now.

Then again, since they started running into demons around every corner, they haven't really stopped to try and exorcise the hosts very often. Sometimes that eats at him as much as everything else, but demons are just too powerful and there are just too many of them. They try to set up some elaborate trap to catch a couple of demons and they're just as likely to lose them in the wind or get killed trying to save the hosts – either way a whole lot more innocent lives get snuffed. That doesn't make it right, but it is what it is.

Considering, Dean kind of wishes they hadn't taken this case. They'd left this town before thinking that saving Jeffrey had been one of the few things they could add into their plus column to balance all the people that they couldn't save. He'd felt better before knowing they'd just left behind a different kind of monster.

 

#### 7x16 (Out With The Old): Internal Betrayal

If he'd managed to get even the slightest bit of sleep, Sam would probably be teasing the crap out of his brother for being taken in by the cursed ballet shoes. He knows if the situation had been reversed, Dean would have been all over making fun of him. Sam is too busy keeping himself awake and not snapping at everyone to spare any energy for amusement, though.

Sam doesn't know how much longer he can keep this up, he already feels so tired. If they had been relying on him alone, he'd never have picked up on what Dean did and realized they were right in the middle of a leviathan plot. He was honestly lucky to manage to drive across town and meet up with Dean without accidentally killing himself.

Even though they know there's leviathan activity in the town, they'd have been screwed if one of the two big mouths hadn't been inexplicably on their side. Sam and his brother cannot afford for Sam to be this out of it, but he's tried to sleep. He can't; Lucifer won't let him.

 

#### 7x17 (The Born-Again Identity): Treacherous Mental Landscapes

The thing Dean has learned through all of the utter shit he and Sam have weathered is that you don't give up until you have exhausted every single option you can think of and come up with a whole new set if those don't pan out. Despite that, he doesn't actually have a lot of hope he'll be able to find anything useful. So he's surprised when someone tells him there's another faith healer out there that passes all the tests. Of course, that's not half as shocking as when he meets this "Emmanuel" - and his wife.

Once he's fairly convinced that the guy is actually Cas and not some strange doppelganger or even Jimmy Novak, he can't quite keep himself from asking about that. Sure, with the leviathans out there taking over everything, it's probably just as well she didn't put out any missing persons bulletins about the guy – but what kind of freak takes a random amnesiac dude home like a lost kitten an marries him within a couple months? It creeps Dean out a bit and he's half tempted to try and test if she's some kind of creature, though he can't figure out any way to justify or be subtle about it.

Of course he wouldn't be willing to admit he's kind of fixating on that to avoid thinking about everything else Cas being back means. It was one thing to mourn the guy as a lost friend when he was safely dead and beyond things like responsibility and reparations. Alive, it's not so easy to put aside the fact he's also a monster that went on a dangerous rampage culminating in the ongoing third near apocalypse in as many years.

Even knowing that, even being completely conflicted about it - he still finds himself confiding in the guy. About Cas to himself, which again, is just friggin weird. He just can't reconcile the two aspects in his head, and he half-hopes Cas doesn't ever remember, so that he can just be done with the guy and not have to deal with his own jumbled up feelings.

It doesn't help at all that Cas remembers and then immediately tries to run away – though at least he doesn't fly off. Dean's own feelings are a jumble of any number of things, but confronted with a Cas who is so clearly upset, his primary concern is trying to help his friend despite all the rest. He's still pissed, but when it comes down to it, he'd rather have Cas alive to be mad at.

He'd really hoped it would be that simple, too. Get Cas, cure Sam, and then deal with all their issues. Except Cas can't just power up his mojo and cure Sam, and before Dean is really clear on what Cas is doing, the angel's the one in an unresponsive fugue state. He should have known with their luck that having a friend come back and be able to help with this whole leviathan thing was too good to be true.

 

#### 7x18 (Party On, Garth): With A Clear Head

Sam does feel some anger at Cas for what he did, but he had never been as pissed off at Cas as Dean was. Both because he'd never been quite as close of a friend to Cas as Dean was and because Sam had made his own huge mistakes with massive consequences and could understand. It didn't mean he forgave everything, but seeing Cas staring vacantly into space because of the memories he'd taken on to save Sam, he didn't feel like Cas deserved that either. Leaving him behind still doesn't sit entirely right with Sam. It may make him feel guilty, but being able to actually think clearly again completely hallucination-free? It's amazing, and Sam figures that taking advantage of the gift Cas has given him is the best he can do right now.

Although taking on this particular case with Garth doesn't exactly involve clear-headed thinking in an entirely different way. There's all the drinking and then Garth himself is a trip and a half. It would almost have been fun if it weren't for the whole argument about whether they were being haunted by Bobby. Dean does have a pretty compelling list of strange events, but Sam just can't believe that if Bobby was really still hanging around he wouldn't have managed to tell them by now. Dean managed to use a talking board in the hospital after the accident. The both of them managed to learn how to fight as ghosts in an afternoon from a little boy to save that seal involving the reaper. It's been long enough that if it wasn't just coincidence and wishful thinking they'd have some proof by now, right?

 

#### 7x19 (Of Grave Importance): The Half-Empty Flask

Sam's not quite sure how to feel about being proved wrong. On the one hand, he'd meant what he said – he thought they had just been imagining things because they wanted it to be true. Now that it actually is true, Dean is sure that has to be a bad thing. Sam doesn't want to believe that.

Yeah, most of the spirits they run into go bad and kill people, but the reason they find pretty much all the spirits they do is because they've gone bad and started killing people. Maybe there are plenty of ghosts out there not harming anyone, and if there's somebody that knows all the dangers of being a vengeful spirit, it's Bobby.

Sam isn't sure how to feel about it, especially in terms of Dean's absolute pessimism, but he wants to feel positive. It was hard enough the first time letting Bobby go when they had no choice in the matter; doing something to actively send him away if they have to is going to hurt so much more. So Sam has to hope that it won't come to that.

 

#### 7x20 (The Girl With The Dungeons And Dragons Tattoo): A New Hope

Dean really hates that they end up having to send in a civilian to the lion's den. Charlie is one of the people they're supposed to be protecting, and it doesn't feel right. They don't have a choice, though, not really. They have to get that drive wiped. Not only will it tell Dick for certain that Frank was working with them, but it will let the leviathans know everything he and Sam know about them.

Worse, while they have a certain amount of ability at masking trails and creating fake IDs for themselves, they don't have the ability to lay new trails and cover old ones like Frank did. They have no idea how much of the leviathan operation is concentrating on finding and getting rid of the two of them, beyond the fact there definitely is some focus on that. There was a reason they had to seek out an expert the last time they had to scrub IDs enough to bear that kind of scrutiny and they are fresh out of experts.

Thankfully, despite all that goes wrong, Charlie is a trooper and together they manage to get one over on Dick with no casualties. He feels pretty bad about her arm, but considering their luck lately, he's smart enough not to tell her just how easy she got off. Besides, she's smart enough to realize that her best bet is to stay the hell away from them, so maybe she already figured that one for herself.

 

#### 7x21 (Reading Is Fundamental): Awakening

Dean had hoped that the package they'd stolen from Dick Roman, even though it looked like a big clay brick, would give them some kind of leverage. It's a damn shame that it seems to be true but involves dragging in yet another innocent to the whole mess.

Dealing with that is one thing, but then it turns out the whole Word of God thing rings Cas' bell, too. He's not sure what to expect after Meg's phone call, but it definitely isn't what they get. Dean figures that Cas knows what he did was wrong and genuinely wants to be sorry, but he also thinks that what he tells Kevin is true as well. Angels don't really seem like they actually feel anything to the same depth that humans do. It's one of those things that he just never really thought much about until Cas went from supernatural creature to ally and friend before going back to creature again.

He's got no idea where that leaves his relationship with Cas now. In the face of how clearly unbalanced the guy is, there hardly seems any point to holding onto his anger, but dammit, he really didn't think it was too much to ask that if Cas was gonna wake up he be able to pull it together enough to work to fix what he screwed up. It's kind of a moot point, anyway, really. Even if the angel did want to help, considering his current inability to concentrate on one thing for more than five seconds, he'd hardly be all that useful.

 

#### 7x22 (There Will Be Blood): Components

Dean thinks he should probably feel more optimistic than he does. After months upon months of hiding out from leviathans with no leads on how to kill the bastards and no idea what their grand plans were, things have finally turned around. They now know exactly what the big plan is. They've got a recipe for a weapon to kill Dick, and a line on all the necessary components. All things considered, they've faced tougher obstacles.

Despite that, he can't really feel it's as much of an upswing as he thinks he should. Cas is too scrambled to help anyone do anything, Bobby's going all vengeful spirit on them, and their success ultimately rests on Crowley. Sure Crowley says he hates Dick as much as they do, but relying on that shifty demon for anything just turns Dean's stomach. Meanwhile, he's reduced to rabbit food while the people all around them turn into corn syrup zombies. They may be significantly closer than they were just a few days ago, but it still feels like a long way to go.

 

#### 7x23 (Survival Of The Fittest): Cut Loose

And just like that, he's lost everything. They just had to put Bobby to rest for a second time, and no matter how necessary it was, it didn't hurt any less. Cas pulled his marbles together enough to actually help them, but he and Dean are just gone in an explosion of Dick. Crowley did double-cross them as expected, just not quite when they expected, and there goes Kevin.

Sam doesn't have anyone to rely on, anyone to protect, or any idea where to go from here. It's just too much and he finds himself just completely numb. They've gotten rid of Dick, and he'll make sure the coffee creamer is all destroyed, but after that? Sam's just empty and so, so alone.

It's only been recently that Sam's sanity has been a solid thing again, and he's a little afraid he's going to lose that, too. He and Dean have known plenty of hunters that just lost it when they hit one nightmare too many and broke. At this point, Sam has lost everything so many times, and there's just eventually got to be a point where he can't come back from it and this may very well be it.


	8. Season Eight

#### 8x01 (We Need To Talk About Kevin): Bottom Lining It

Just seeing Sam's face when he asks if his brother looked for him is enough to make Dean's stomach hollow out. They'd talked about not looking for each other, but he'd never meant it and had been sure that they were on the same page.

The problem is Dean just disappeared, transported body, soul, and everything, straight to purgatory on a surge of Dick goo. There was absolutely no reason to assume he was dead from that. It pretty much pisses Dean off from the get-go, but when demon mook number five knows where he was? If Sam had at least looked and then couldn't find a way to help, that'd be one thing, but his brother didn't even care enough to put the slightest effort into finding out what happened to him. It stings, but Dean has always known no one ever needs him as much as he needs them, so he could have moved past that.

What he can't move past is what Sam did to Kevin. Unlike Dean, Sam knew _exactly_ who had Kevin and just how bad that was - and hadn't done anything for the kid, either. The kid who got dragged into the whole sad mess of the hunting world because he and Sam cracked open that tablet. Dean can take care of himself, but Kevin? He didn't expect Sam to mount an offensive on hell itself, but the fact that he failed the kid because he was too self-centered to keep an open phone line?

Sam is and always will be his brother, but maybe it's time to come to terms with a few things. The two of them clearly don't place the same kind of value on family, responsibility, or honesty. Dean wouldn't say he knows everything about his brother, but he can read the guy pretty well, and it's clear on top of everything else, he's lying to himself about following their bullshit agreement and all the nonsense he's spouting about being happily out of the game.

The way he caters to Dean by offering up the keys and buying him lunch and a hundred little fidgets and glances show he knows he's in the wrong. His little speech about having found something good that he's never had is a weird dismissal of his years at Stanford and his relationship with Jess. It's exactly the kind of mental aerobics that Sam has always done whenever he's decided he wants to see the world a certain way and starts twisting the facts around in his head to fit that picture. Because if Sam really had somehow managed to go back to a normal life after all they'd been through, that thing he said he wanted more than anything, why the hell isn't he going back to living it right now?

 

#### 8x02 (What's Up, Tiger Mommy?): Changes

Dean was not kidding about being different after spending a year in purgatory. The way he reacts to Kevin's concern about his mother really says it all. Of course, that's not the first clue or the last. His brother's been jumpy since they reunited at the cabin, but then attacking Clem in the interrogation room, considering bartering away Linda Tran's soul "getting off cheap", being willing to kill Crowley while he was wearing her - it all adds up into a picture Sam isn't very comfortable with.

Each time he catches a glimpse of these new rougher edges he wants to say something, but isn't sure if it's a good idea. Dean's spent a year in a place that was all monsters, all the time, so the new harsh attitude is pretty understandable. That on top of how heavy Dean has been laying on the guilt for how he's spent the last year in comfort, well, Sam doesn't want any part of the fight that's likely to come of that.

It's not like he even really made a decision to give up hunting, it just kind of happened. Past a certain point, he just hadn't seen any reason not to take his extended attempt at running away to its logical conclusion and cut all ties to that life. He'd spent so many years wanting the chance to just be normal growing up, well, with nowhere else to turn it had seemed the most reasonable plan to fall back on. So he'd ditched all the accoutrements except for the car in the hopes that without the lingering reminders he'd get that fresh start. It was logical to want that. There's no reason to feel bad about it.

 

#### 8x03 (Heartache): Heart of the Matter

So not only did Sam not care enough to look for him while he was gone, but Dean is getting the sneaking suspicion that his brother would have found it far more convenient if he'd stayed gone. Sam doesn't want to do the case, he may want different things, he wants his life to mean something, he's looking into his options – whatever.

You know what, fine, Dean isn't going to try and make Sam do anything he doesn't want to do. And not just because Sam is insufferably stubborn about getting his own way when he's set on something. If his brother wants to quit hunting, that's Sam's choice. He just wishes he would drop this passive aggressive crap and come right out and say it, instead of acting like Dean has to be eased into it like some kind of delicate – that's why he keeps poking at Sam about it. If Sam is gonna abandon him again, he just wants to _know_.

Well, he gets his answer, finally, and Dean plays it off like he doesn't care, like he doesn't believe that Sam really wants out, because it's better that way. Sam can move forward thinking his dumb big brother just can't understand him as usual. If he's convinced of that, he won't make any stupid attempts to get Dean to talk about his feelings. Sam has always felt free to just walk away whenever he feels like it, that's nothing new.

Bobby's dead, Cas is probably dead, and Sam has finally decided all these years later he wants to make good on his original plan to go back to normal. Dean had kind of been hoping that he'd luck out and manage to end up dead before he ended up alone – but then technically, he did - it just didn't stick.

 

#### 8x04 (Bitten): Off-Camera

Considering where Dean spent the last year and how he's been so gung-ho on the violence front otherwise, Sam is really surprised that Dean is willing to let the girl go. That's half the reason he just assumes they need to worry about how much of a head start she has, because he doesn't really figure it's worth the argument with Dean over whether or not to chase her down.

Sure, it's not really her fault she got turned, but that's been true of probably just about every werewolf or vampire they've hunted. It's not like she's had time to really decide whether to hurt any humans or not, either. Still, he isn't going to argue with his brother being willing to actually give someone the benefit of the doubt for once.

 

#### 8x05 (Blood Brother): Looking Ahead and Behind

He's not sure where Sam gets off giving him the third degree. Dean's brother has made it clear that he's out as soon as they get this whole business with the gates of hell taken care of, so why the hell is he acting like Dean can't take off for a day without getting a signed permission slip?

Yeah, most of the hunter acquaintances they have are people that have met both of them, but there have been a few either of them met when they were working alone that were too paranoid to meet up with both of them later. Maybe it's just his guilty conscience that has him so bothered. He doesn't want to know what Sam would say about him being friends with a vampire, even one sworn off killing. It's not like it hasn't occurred to Dean that he's going to be on his own and needing some other friends soon enough, and Benny somehow turned into a friend in purgatory.

It's his stupid guilty conscience that has him calling Sam back in the middle of the vampire nest instead of just waiting until the whole thing is over. He's not sure what he expected to come of that, an outing of his guilty secret or maybe the realization Sam already didn't care enough to come looking. Because at some point, that's going to happen. Dean isn't going to retire and play pretend at being normal, he's long past the point where he can fool himself into believing that'd ever work out. Which means Sam's going to either stop giving a crap when he gets in trouble or just cut off contact completely like he did before.

On that account, maybe he should be glad for the look Sam gives him when he realizes what Benny is. If they're already on the outs when they finish the big job of closing off hell, maybe the separation will be easier on both of them. Or at least Sam, anyway.

 

#### 8x06 (Southern Comfort): My Asshole Brother

He can't believe his brother. It was bad enough that he took off with barely a word to go clear out a nest of vampires. To find out that he was doing so with a freaking vampire as backup? After all the crap Dean gave him about Amy and he just takes the guy's word for it? Oh, right, it's okay, because it's Dean's decision and Dean is always right. At least Sam's brother seems to think so.

Then Dean manages to get possessed by the spectre that they're hunting and it gets so much uglier. He knew Dean was upset that he didn't look for him, sure. His brother had hardly made a secret of that, but to hear Dean is still that bitter about pretty much every bad decision Sam has ever made? To hear Dean call Benny a better brother than Sam has ever been?

The thing about being possessed by any kind of a spirit like this, they both know it doesn't make you lie. It just makes you spit out truths you wouldn't otherwise say. The things Dean says sting pretty damn bad, and when Sam is here, giving up something he wants to be hunting instead because Dean talked him into it? His brother likes to pretend he's a tough guy that's not phased by anything, but Sam knows better. He knows exactly what to say to hit Dean back just as bad because he's sick of being made to feel like he needs to constantly be making up for his past failures.

 

#### 8x07 (A Little Slice of Kevin): Rescue

At first, Dean thinks he's going crazy when he keeps seeing Cas everywhere. When the angel didn't come through the portal with him at the mercy of a group of attacking leviathan, Dean figured Cas was not just stuck but probably dead right then.

So when he actually shows up in their hotel room for real, Dean has no idea what's going on. Not just that Cas isn't dead, but also that he has no explanation for how he got out. It doesn't make any sense, and in their world, when something doesn't make sense it usually presages something extra bad.

Of course, all that has to be put aside in favor of finding the kidnapped prophets, including Kevin. Which, when it's all said and done turns back to Cas again, when Dean realizes the angel just doesn't care if he gets killed. That he intentionally stayed behind in purgatory. Dean should have realized with all the times Cas kept trying to talk him out of leaving that he was never planning on going through the portal. If he'd really been listening, he would have realized and maybe could have talked the stupid son of a bitch out of trying to punish himself.

 

#### 8x08 (Hunteri Heroici): Voluntary Disconnect

Cas' declaration that he wants to be a hunter is unexpected and more than a little funny. The guy's been through a lot, though, and it doesn't do them any harm to humor him a bit. Especially with Sam feeling as unsure about the future as he is. He realized when the whole vampire thing happened that giving up hunting for good was going to be a problem in terms of worry about Dean. If Cas sticks around for a while and actually learns the ropes, though, the angel would be someone that Sam could trust to back his brother up. Sure, Castiel has made a lot of bad decisions, but by this point, that could be said of all of them.

Of course, that's what Sam thinks before Cas actually tries to help them in the actual investigation. He might be good backup when it comes to smiting demons or killing monsters, but the part that involves actually talking to people is way, way outside of his current abilities.

When it comes down to trying to reason with Frank, Sam hates that he's able to draw on his own experience. He knows all about running away, even if his prior experiences of running away are more external to his own head than Frank's. It's so often Sam's answer when he gets overwhelmed, to run away and try to pretend that everything formerly wrong in his life can't touch him any more. He's pretty good at pretending, for a while, but it does always somehow come back to haunt him. He wants to believe that if they do manage to close the gates of hell that he can walk away instead of running and that will somehow be different. He has to hope so, and sound so when he talks to Dean about it, because he's just so tired after everything that he needs to have something better to reach for. If nothing else, he can't really take losing everything again, and when everything you have is so little to begin with, that's all too likely.

 

#### 8x09 (Citizen Fang): Broken Trust

Dean is perfectly okay with looking into Benny. He trusts the guy's intentions, he does, but he remembers his brief time as a vampire, and he isn't going to say it's impossible Benny gave in. The one thing he is certain of is that he's not going to take the word of Crazy Martin as gospel, especially when the guy didn't actually see anything and clearly just wants to kill something.

The thing is, he figures he knows Benny pretty damn well after purgatory, and he has a reasonable story. Maybe Dean is a sucker for a story with family. It could be made up and he could be wrong, but there's enough of a chance that Dean is willing to give him room to prove it.

Except Crazy Martin came here looking for a hunt and Sam refuses to listen. Worse, Sam lets Martin knock him out and leaves to kill Dean's friend, the only one in his life that hasn't let him down yet. He and Sam have had their rough spots, but the fact his brother won't value his word enough to actually make sure Benny is killing people, well, Sam has a lot of nerve. It's not the same thing as Amy was, because she admitted outright she was killing people, and Dean knows as sure as anything if her kid got sick again, she'd do the same thing all over again. In her shoes, he would, too, but they're hunters. They don't let monsters kill people, but they make sure they get the right monsters first.

He should probably feel bad about sending that text to Sam, but he just doesn't. If Sam doesn't trust him enough to take his word, then maybe he's better off without his brother. The kid can go back to that idyllic life he's been talking up so earnestly a little early. Dean can handle shutting the gates by himself if he has to. He isn't strong enough to just tell Sam straight out to go because he doesn't actually want to be alone, but clearly Sam isn't going to bother to drag out the pretense he wants to stick around all that much longer.

The way Sam acts after it's all finished only makes Dean more sure of that. Sam wouldn't even listen long enough to hear Martin threatened to kill a human, Benny's _family_ , and at best was going to decapitate him in front of a random innocent who thought he was her friend. The world is a safer place without Martin in it. Sam put Benny _and Elizabeth_ in that situation so Dean doesn't feel sorry for doing whatever it took to get him out of the way. Even if this is the thing that finally sends Sam off for good, since that seems inevitable anyway.

 

#### 8x10 (Torn and Frayed): The I in Team

Sam really can't believe Dean. It was bad enough that he was so ready to jump to the defense of a vampire despite bodies dropping. That he keeps rubbing in what he said under the spectre's influence about Benny being the only one Dean completely trusts – that just pisses him off even more. It feels like another direct attack on every mistake he's ever made that Dean has given him crap for and supposedly forgiven until the next time they get in a fight. He's got enough guilt to be going along with already, he doesn't need reminders constantly thrown in his face.

Yet even that is nothing compared to sending him a terrifying text message making him wonder about Amelia's safety. Sam would really, really like to strangle his brother for his total lack of consideration for other people's feelings sometimes. Dean says he's sorry, but it's so clear he is just trying to placate Sam and isn't, really, and Sam just doesn't even want to look at him.

Sam needs some time to cool off, and he needs his brother to actually figure out that he needs to sincerely apologize for what he's done. Still, it's not like he can just say no when Cas comes asking for his help. Although their rescue mission ends up raising more questions than answers. Something is definitely wrong with Cas, again, which is not a complication they need.

Dean's just not quite right when he admires Sam's ability to just walk out. Sure, Sam can separate himself out for a while, and he keeps telling himself that he wants to leave for good and that he will. Except there's a nagging voice in the back of his head pointing out that he's tried, several times, and he always ends up back here. Because he and Dean are a great team, when things between them are working. He just wishes that so much crap didn't build up between them when they aren't. Honestly, a large part of the reason he decides to stay instead of go is because Dean is clearly willing to let him go.

 

#### 8x11 (Larp And The Real Girl): Magic

It's nice to reconnect with Charlie again, though Dean feels pretty bad that she's obviously not quite so pleased to see them as he is to see her. Still, it's not like they brought the supernatural to her, it came to her and they came to stop it. He doesn't blame her for taking a while to adjust to that, they did manage to get her arm broken and send her into deep hiding the last time they crossed paths.

So yeah, they're on a case, but even before Sam unexpectedly lets them stay for the big battle, Dean has to admit that running around doing the whole LARP thing is actually kind of awesome. He gets why Charlie and her friends are into it. Well, except for that one guy who is way, way too into it.

 

#### 8x12 (As Time Goes By): Winchesters

Sam sometimes finds himself thinking that their lives can't possibly get any more surreal, and then somehow, it happens. Their grandfather falling out of their motel room closet is only the latest in a long line of the unbelievably strange falling into their laps.

As if that's not crazy enough, it turns out that not only was Mary Campbell from a long line of hunters, John Winchester was from a long line that fought the supernatural in a slightly different, more intellectual way. It makes him wonder all kinds of things about how his childhood would have been different if their father had been raised as a Man of Letters, although it's not exactly a happy thought.

He understands why Dean is so angry at Henry while also understanding that their grandfather doesn't seem to have actually had much of a choice in the matter. Dean's never going to understand someone choosing anything over their family, that's just the way Sam's brother is.

Sam isn't sure how it would have worked out if Henry had managed to live to go back in time, and he's sad that he died. Still, considering the way their dad was, it's nice to actually hear someone that's family say he's proud of them and that they reflect positively on their family name, especially after he was so dismayed to find out they were hunters.

 

#### 8x13 (Everybody Hates Hitler): When I Grow Up

Growing up, Sam had never wanted to be a hunter. From the first time he figured out what Dean and Dad had been hiding from him about the monsters in the dark being real, he'd wanted to forget and go back to being normal. There were things about hunting that he didn't hate, though, and the primary of those had been learning new things. He'd always been curious and loved learning no matter the subject.

Things haven't been great for a long while now. It feels like he and Dean have been blundering their way from catastrophe to catastrophe ever since he left the ashes of his life at Stanford behind and they've both done their share of damage to each other along the way. As strong as his feelings for Amelia were, that hadn't really been any different. He'd been lost, running away, and he'd latched onto the first distracting thing he came across.

Amelia had been doing pretty much the same thing, and he wants to believe they could have transformed that into a real foundation for something solid rather than just a port in the storm. If he's honest with himself, though, their relationship had been two screwed up people clinging to one another in loneliness and desperation and it probably would have fallen apart under the weight of their combined issues and expectations.

Except before that could happen, her husband had turned up alive even before Dean had come back. While it was easy to say in the abstract that he wanted to get out of hunting and have a normal life, actually leaving his brother behind was not quite so simple. It's not that he's ready to give up on the idea of moving on from hunting, but despite Dean's making fun of him, being a new generation of the Men of Letters actually sounds like something Sam would want to do. Seeing as how that's a first in terms of anything to do with hunting, he's not quite sure where that leaves things.

 

#### 8x14 (Trial And Error): Looking Ahead

Sam does not like the vibes that he's getting off of both Dean and Kevin lately. He wants to close up the gates of hell just as much as they do, but both of them seem willing to completely throw all self-preservation out the window to do it. He's not okay with that for himself or them, but he's not really sure how to convince either of them to see the error of their ways.

It was bad enough when he just thought the two of them were treating this whole trials thing recklessly as a race to be gotten through as quickly as possible, but then it gets worse. Dean is sure that it's going to be fatal for whoever attempts it and plans to throw his life away just like that, because apparently his brother's idea of a happy ending doesn't actually include Dean himself at all. It's not that Sam has never realized that Dean has issues – either of them would be a lifetime's worth of work for a whole panel of psychiatrists after all they've been through. Still, he hadn't realized that things were quite that bad in his brother's head. Or maybe he just hasn't wanted to.

He went after Dean because Sam wasn't going to leave his brother to hellhounds, not again. It wasn't because he wanted to take on the trials over his brother, it wasn't like that – but he's glad he did. You can't go into something like this thinking you're going to die because that's a guarantee you will, and Sam refuses to sit back while Dean throws his life away again. Maybe he doesn't know what he wants to do after they shut the gates, but Sam does know that he wants there to be an after for all of them.

 

#### 8x15 (Man's Best Friend With Benefits): Trust and Partnership

Dean was completely on board with this whole plan to close the gates of hell when it was gonna be him doing it. He'd always expected to go down for something, and this was a better cause than most. Sam's thinking about getting out of hunting and settling down, maybe he hadn't decided to go back to that Amelia chick, but he'd find somebody else sooner or later. So it only makes sense for Dean to take this on and make that safe for him once and for all.

Except Dean failed to do the trial. Sam has to always see it as a trust thing, and think that Dean doesn't believe he's capable, but that's not it at all. It doesn't matter what Sam says, they both know he's the expendable one, even if he's not gonna argue any more about that because Sam would want to have big gushy talk about feelings. He's not comfortable with Sam taking on the lion's share of the danger, but Sam clearly isn't going to agree to let Dean take over, so he's going to have to hope Sam is right and that this isn't going to kill his brother.

Maybe Sam is right, a little bit. Maybe he does have trouble relying on anyone but himself, but that's not fair to Sam and watching Portia and James together after the whole thing goes down only cements what Sam's been saying. They're in this together and if Sam wants to take on the lead role in this trials thing, Dean owes it to him to let him.

 

#### 8x16 (Remember The Titans): Choices & Consequences

It figures that just about the time that Dean has started to buy into what Sam's saying about coming through the other end of the trials okay, Sam himself stops believing it. Yeah, it's always something of a downer when they finish a case where they failed to save someone after they arrived on the scene, but this feels like more than that.

He doesn't know exactly what is going on with Sam, but they've been together long enough that he can spot that his brother is acting shifty about something. Dean isn't going to push, at least not yet, but they really don't know what the consequences of this undertaking are going to be. Although Dean's pretty sure they can't be anything good, because when are they ever?

 

#### 8x17 (Goodbye Stranger): The Straw

The thing is, Dean still hadn't forgiven Cas for what he'd done in palling up with Crowley to open purgatory while lying his ass off. Likewise, while he understands the reasoning behind why Cas ditched him in purgatory, it was still stupid. So was refusing to even try to go through the portal, even before it left the guy vulnerable to this Naomi bitch. He wasn't lying though, Cas is family, and that's the only reason Dean has been willing to go forward in the hope of eventually forgiving him for all of that crap. Even if it's not possible to forget, Dean truly believes you should forgive the people you care about almost anything.

Almost anything. If Cas had said he needed to leave to hide the tablet, that it wasn't safe enough in one place, that Dean might have understood. Leading the demons and other angels on a goose chase for it, Dean might have understood, too. Whatever is on the angel tablet isn't exactly a priority beyond keeping it out of Crowley's hands, so he wouldn't be that fussed about whatever Cas wanted to do with it. What is not forgivable is Cas pretty much saying he doesn't trust Dean; that the tablet has to be protected from him. Maybe Dean isn't the best at letting go of grudges, but despite all the crap that's gone down between them, he still thinks of Cas as one of the good guys, one of the few people he can rely on. Dean has never turned his back on Cas when Cas hasn't turned first. After Crowley, after maliciously breaking Sam's wall, after setting free the leviathan, after ditching him in purgatory for monster chow, after this whole mind control thing behind his latest weirdness – somehow _Dean's_ the one that can't be trusted?

Yeah, Dean's has his own share of mistakes and bad decisions, but that is _a load of crap_. That is not how family treats you, so maybe it's time to stop giving the angel consideration he hasn't actually earned in a good long while.

 

#### 8x18 (Freaks and Geeks): No Turning Back

He hates that Chrissy wasn't actually able to get out of the life. He'd thought maybe with her being young enough, she could actually get a fresh start and put the whole dark life of monsters behind her. Unfortunately, it just didn't seem to be that easy for anybody, because once you were in all kinds of monsters knew you existed.

No matter how out of the way this little band of teen hunters is, once you know the monsters are out there, they're there to find. It's just one more reason on a very long list to go through with the rest of the trials as soon as they can manage it. Whatever is going to happen to Sam because of them, it's too late – it has already started, so there's no going back – only forward.

 

#### 8x19 (Taxi Driver), Take One: Angles of Trust I

Dean once described angels as being like shady politicians, and Naomi proves that hasn't changed at all. He doesn't much trust anything Cas said, but he trusts what she has to say even less. That doesn't mean he doesn't listen, though. She's here trying to spin him for whatever reason, and whatever her motives, there's a good chance if she needs him for something she'll tell him just enough truth to be useful.

When he finds the Reaper dead, he hates himself a little for asking such a huge favor of Benny. But once again, the vampire comes through for him just like that. No hesitation, just readiness to jump back into the freak show because Dean asks. Dean has and would do anything for Sam, and he'd cut off contact with Benny to keep his brother happy, but that doesn't make him feel any less guilty for being a far worse friend than Benny deserves.

When Naomi shows up again, he's more convinced than ever she's got some scheme brewing. Maybe she's just expecting to use him and Sam to reel Cas in, maybe she wants something more than that. He doesn't know, but it seems like she does want to help seal the gates of hell, so he'll take it. If she really thinks he's dumb enough to trust her over that, well, then she's the one who's dumb.

 

#### 8x19 (Taxi Driver), Take Two: Angles of Trust II

Once again, when it comes time to actually do the trials, Dean can't actually believe that Sam will manage on his own. Dean keeps saying to his face that he trusts him, but what he actually does tells a completely different story.

Sam doesn't want to feel guilty for leaving Dean in purgatory for a year. He was lost and alone and had no idea what to do, and at the time he'd just run away and kept going until he found someplace to breathe again. Actually having to trek through purgatory himself, though, even for just an afternoon, opens his eyes to just how crap Dean's year had to have been. Hearing Bobby's dismissive disapproval on top of that just keeps the guilt seeping in.

He'd told himself that it was okay not to look for Dean because Sam knew if he hadn't shut down and gotten out, he would have fallen apart. Except he can't really deny anymore that maybe they've all got a point. After he'd gotten himself together he didn't even try to find out where his brother had gone. If it wasn't for the vampire, Dean would have been stuck battling monsters in purgatory nonstop until he really did die. Maybe that's not exactly on him, but Sam doesn't feel good about it, either.

 

#### 8x20 (Pac-Man Fever): Fear and Loss

A lot of decisions that Dean has made in the past have been because he was trying to protect Sam, both good and bad. Having to step into Charlie's hallucinated nightmare where she's desperately protecting her mother brings that to the forefront of his mind.

He is afraid of losing Sam and really always has been. Although it's been a lot worse because of this latest business with the trials and not really knowing what's happening to him. Still, he and Sam have had this argument before, many times, and he knows objectively he needs to let Sam make his own decisions. It's just hard, between Sam being his partner and his little brother, not to try and protect him as much as he can. Sam always seems to see it as if Dean's insulting his competence, but that's not how he means it. The only reliable, constant touchstone in Dean's world has been Sam for so long, he can't seem to help himself no matter how he knows his brother doesn't appreciate the over-protection.

Seeing Charlie struggle with her fears and letting go of them with her, though, reminds him again that he has to let Sam make his own decisions. It doesn't mean that he won't ever argue about his brother's choices, but he's got to let Sam handle what he thinks he's capable of. If he doesn't he'll likely just end up losing Sam in a different way and Dean doesn't want that either.

 

#### 8x21 (The Great Escapist): Avoidance

Dean is trying to let Sam take the lead here, he really is, but watching his brother fall apart in slow increments is making it pretty damn hard to resist his constant nagging desire to do _something_. To be completely honest, if he thought there was even the slightest chance modern medicine (or anything else) could do anything for Sam, he'd be going back on his promise to just let Sam deal in a second.

As it is, his only option is to grit his teeth and follow through on Sam's farfetched lead. Dean doesn't know what the third trial is going to do to Sam, but his brother is right, the only way out of this is through it. He's just got to believe that Sam is right and they can both make it through this and out the other side like he said they would.

 

#### 8x22 (Clip Show), Take One: Desperation

Nobody's perfect, and certainly he and Dean aren't. One of his brother's major faults has always been his tendency to hold onto grudges like nobody's business. Sure, Cas has made some pretty big mistakes, but they all have. The two of them don't have enough friends to be throwing them away for not always making the right decisions. Sam doesn't expect to convince Dean of it any time soon, but hopefully if he can get Dean at least thinking about it he won't be quite so harsh on Cas.

Sam would like to think that all the strain on him from the effects of the trials isn't affecting his judgment, but he has to figure he's fooling himself. He should have known that Dean's idea of digging up Abbadon was a terrible one if he was thinking clearly. Getting their hands on any random lower level demon would have been easy, but they brought back the Knight of Hell? The one that the knife couldn't touch? He'd been so eager to get on with the trial as fast as possible that he hadn't even considered the cure might not work on her, either. Of course they don't even get to try it because he and Dean stupidly leave one of the hardest to put down creatures they've ever come across unguarded in a fit of inconceivable stupidity.

As if that wasn't enough, Crowley has decided to get proactive about trying to stop them from completing the trials. They've come too far to go back now, but watching, helpless, as Sarah dies and realizing that Crowley isn't going to stop until everyone they've ever saved is dead? Well, what it comes down to is that Crowley is just as stupid as every other villain they've ever faced, because he underestimates just how much more determined something like this makes them to find a way. Even if it seems kind of impossible.

 

#### 8x22 (Clip Show), Take Two: Looking Back in Anger

Dean likes to think that he's a reasonable guy who can forgive slights of the past. That's kind of the problem, he has already needed to forgive Cas again and again and again for terrible decisions ever since the apocalypse they stopped together. And yeah, that had gained the guy a lot of points in Dean's book, but not an indefinite amount. Enough that Dean was willing to try and forgive, even for things he'd gank any other supernatural creature for. The problem is he's still working through getting to a point of forgiveness when the angel claims Dean is untrustworthy and takes off. If Cas had at least managed to keep the tablet safe, maybe Dean could have accepted that it needed to be done, but he didn't. Cas screwed the pooch yet again. After so many times the guy has said he's sorry, he has yet to do a single thing to prove it.

He's just tired of feeling like the only one actually trying to mend their friendship. If Cas was ever even around to begin with – but he hasn't been, and maybe that's not entirely his fault, but Dean's just tired of feeling let down and betrayed by those he trusts most. Right now with the trials and Crowley and all the other crap going down, he just doesn't have the patience for any more of Cas' empty apologies right now.

 

#### 8x23 (Sacrifice): Swinging Shut

He's not exactly happy to leave Sam with Crowley to help out Cas, but Sam is pretty insistent. After he and his big mouth just stepped in it, perhaps it's just as well he does leave – it's not like he can help with the actual process of the trial anyway. Maybe it's best if both hell and heaven are locked away to let humans deal with only the regular monsters. Perhaps it will also be better if Cas is gone, too. Even after everything, Dean still counts the guy as a friend, but maybe that's better put in the past so they don't have to work through all the crap between them. The other angels might be out for his blood, but Cas is a tough little dude, so Dean isn't really that worried if they do go after him.

Of course, things can't ever just be that simple. He'd suspected from the first that the trials would kill whoever undertook them – and maybe he shouldn't trust Naomi, but last he heard from her, she wanted the gates of hell slammed shut as much as they did. Whether Metatron is trying to cast the angels out of heaven or shut the gates with everyone inside, he can see her motives for trying to stop Cas. What he can't see is for her to have any reason to lie about Sam when she is trying to gain their trust.

He can't believe after Sam's big speech about the light at the end of the tunnel that his brother is just willing to give up and die. Dean knows that he's kind of an ass sometimes, but he didn't really think Sam was listening and taking it all so deeply to heart. The idea that Sam has been hoarding every ugly thing he's said in the anger of the moment as some kind of truth makes him sick. All the two of them really have, have really ever had is each other. Sam is the one who promised that he could see a way through and Dean can't do it without him. Doesn't want to do it without him. Maybe it's selfish, but he and Sam have devoted most of their lives to saving everyone else, and if he can't keep even that much? To hell with the rest of the world.


	9. Season Nine

#### 9x01 (I Think I'm Gonna Like It Here): Desperate Measures

Dean knows things are really bad with Sam. He'd hoped that despite what Cas had said earlier about Sam already being damaged enough to be beyond his ability to heal, stopping the trials would somehow stop the whole process that was killing Sam. He probably shoulda known things are just never that easy for the two of them.

It leaves Dean desperate enough to call Cas, despite all the current issues between them and all the fallout Cas is probably in the middle of with the angels falling. When that doesn't work, he's desperate enough to ask for any source of help, other angels, Crowley, literally anybody that might be able to do something. The thing is, he knows he's going a step too far when he agrees to even hear Ezekiel out when the guy suggests possessing Sam. There's no way Sam would ever agree to it, but Dean's out of time and out of options. It only feels that much more desperate when he sees that inside Sam's head his brother is picturing himself agreeing to go with Death if he can get a guarantee on never coming back.

Now, Dean has no idea if Death is actually in Sam's head or not, but quite frankly, if Sam does die now, it probably is one-way. Dean's already called in every favor he's got to get Ezekiel here, and it's pretty obvious he can't afford to draw the attention of other angels to him again. Sam wouldn't forgive him for another demon deal any more than he would for a possession, and there really isn't anything else. Sam promised he saw a path through to the future with them living decent lives, and Sam agreed to stop the trials and fight it out day-by-day and monster-by-monster to help Dean find a way to that path he can't see himself. Maybe Sam would never agree to the method, but Sam wanted to live, so he agrees to let Ezekiel use him to convince Sam to say Yes. Even if his brother never forgives him, at least he'll be alive to hold that grudge.

It isn't until Ezekiel tells him that he can't tell Sam Dean really gets his first feeling of foreboding about the whole thing. There have been so many really ugly lies between him and Sam already. By that point he doesn't see what choice he has, though. Ezekiel is already in Sam, and if Sam's already going to hate him for the possession, he might as well make sure it's worth it.

 

#### 9x02 (Devil May Care): Invisibly Cracked Foundations

It's not that Sam doesn't believe he deserves to be haunted for the mistakes he made in the past. That's just how life works, you mess up and that's always going to follow you somehow. He just can't help wishing they came across fewer people that had to harp on how he started the apocalypse without acknowledging that he also stopped it. Sam doesn't really blame Tracy for being angry, because grief and anger aren't really rational things, but he wants to think he's done enough to atone for all the bad he caused by making the wrong choices not knowing the full consequences.

Even with this most recent reminder, he means what he says to Dean. Sam's life has never been perfect, but things are pretty good right now. He spent a lot of last year agonizing about Dean no longer trusting or forgiving him after Purgatory, but everything his brother said in that church and his reassurances now show they've moved past that. The revelation about their dad's half of the family being scholars makes Sam feel like he has a place that fits him in a way just being hunters never really did. Sure, they didn't seal the gates of hell, there are fallen angels all over the world, and Crowley's locked in the basement, but the important stuff, like family and friends? That's all solid in a way it hasn't been for a while. Sam can deal with the rest as long as he has that.

 

#### 9x03 (I'm No Angel): First Consequences

When Dean made the deal with Ezekiel to heal Sam, he didn't realize it was going to have such long-term repercussions. Okay, so when the guy suggested possession, he didn't really expect a fast fix, but he didn't foresee something this drawn out or this hidden, either. It's not that he doesn't appreciate the help the guy has given for Sam, with Abaddon, and now finding and healing Cas, but having to scramble for another lie to explain it every time is wearying.

He feels bad enough about that, but having to kick Cas out of the bunker is the worst. The guy can handle himself, Dean isn't really worried about that so much, but leaving him to have to deal with learning to be human on his own just seems cruel. Cas will be fine, though. The guy may be a little clueless about a few things and talk funny, but he's not stupid and he can be damn sneaky when he wants to.

The same can't be said for Sam if Dean refuses Ezekiel's demand. Dean finds it a little strange that the guy is so worried about the other angels, but then he is helping out Cas and the Winchesters and that probably isn't going to go over well with the rest of the choir. He doesn't like it, but he has already committed to this course of healing Sam, and he won't put anything in front of that. He'll just have to deal with the consequences.

 

#### 9x04 (Slumber Party): Home

Dean's never tried settling down and calling someplace home; the last place his brother remembers being home has to be back before the demon killed their mother. Sam gets why that makes him so eager to put down roots now that they've found a place that belongs to them. He just doesn't feel the same way and doesn't really appreciate feeling like he's being judged for that.

Unlike Dean, Sam has tried to make a home for himself before. The time he spent at Stanford that lead into planning a future with Jess was the longest, and his stay in Kermit with Amelia was the most recent. Sam doesn't really believe he's jinxed, exactly, but every time he's attempted to build something stable for himself in the past it has come crashing down around him. He's just not up to facing that again, and if their luck holds true and something does happen to the bunker, maybe it's for the best only one of them thinks of it as home.

Not only that, but even though he feels a lot better about the idea of being a Man of Letters than just a hunter, he's still not sure that's his idea of a good long-term scenario. Dean's admitted he doesn't really look ahead past the next hunt, and as glad as he is that Dean has found some contentment here, he doesn't want to let himself get drawn into forgetting to hope for more, someday.

 

#### 9x05 (Dog Dean Afternoon): Perception

Dean's constant solicitousness is getting old fast. Sam feels fine and it's been a good, long while since the trials. Yet every time he wants to do anything even a little strenuous, Dean freaks out on him. Leaving the bunker at all, taking a regular case, even just downing the animal mind-meld potion. It's not that Sam particularly wanted to do it himself, but if Dean really wanted to do it, his brother could have just said so.

Sure, Dean has always had problems being overprotective, but it's weird that he keeps going back to the trials as an excuse. His brother hasn't admitted to knowing anything about the aftereffects, yet he keeps acting as if there's something else going on. And maybe Sam could dismiss that if it were the only weirdness he'd felt lately.

First, he finds himself weirdly drained after the debacle with Charlie and the Wicked Witch. He also keeps ending up suspiciously unconscious in the middle of fights, but then waking up unharmed. Still, the weirdest is definitely when the guy in this case asked about what he was. It just doesn't make any sense, because while he may have been crazy, he didn't seem like he was mentally incompetent. Maybe Sam's just being paranoid, but he's just got a feeling there's something shady going on that he can't quite shake.

 

#### 9x06 (Heaven Can't Wait): Assimilation Hiccups

Dean had assumed Cas would be fine, because a part of Dean will always think of him as that resolute warrior of God who pulled Dean's soul out of the pit and then turned on the whole host of heaven when he decided they were wrong. And he kind of is okay, but Dean still feels fairly bad. It didn't really occur to him they'd never taught Cas any of the things he and Sam did to get by financially. He really should have at least offered to give the guy some cash, but it just hadn't been something he thought of because Cas has so rarely needed help that he and Sam could give. Of course considering it now, he's not entirely sure Cas would have taken it. The dude has a tendency towards stubbornness and pride, not any more than the rest of them, but Dean's not sure he wouldn't have seen it as unwelcome coddling.

He wishes he could afford to let Cas come back to the bunker, because as much as he'd like to think that the former angel could just walk out of the world of the supernatural, he's never seen anyone successfully do it. Even if Dean had been prepared to believe what Cas had said about having found his place was true and would stay true, it's clear that this angelic encounter has deeply shaken whatever certainty Cas did have. And because he can't let Cas come back to the bunker, he's going to believe that this angel douche came after Cas because he was in town, not because he was miserable like the other people it killed.

Despite how derisive he feels about the idea that Cas actually should spend his life as a Gas N Sip employee, Dean does his best to talk him into staying there. The idea of him confronting angels not just vulnerably human but also alone is so much worse. Cas is smart and tough, but he's not used to being the least powerful thing in the room, and making that adjustment could easily get him killed. Again. So Dean has to hope his words have some impact, because he's already got enough to worry about.

 

#### 9x07 (Bad Boys): Lies and Misconceptions of Childhood

It still kind of amazes Sam just how much Dean is willing to make excuses for John Winchester, even all these years later. Sam loves his father, but he's come to terms with the fact that his judgment wasn't perfect. Their dad went off and left them alone while he was on hunts, basically putting Dean in the role of the parent and protector for the two of them. Hearing about this boy's home incident reminds him very much of the time a few years back when they'd run across that striga; he'd seen the exact same thing from his brother then. Dean admitted he'd made a reasonable mistake for a boy his age and then refused to admit that their dad was too damn harsh on him for it. It drives him crazy his brother is so readily convinced he's at fault for every bad thing that ever happens.

That's not a surprise. What is a surprise is seeing Dean on the house's wall of achievements. It's not that Dean isn't capable, but from what he remembers of their childhood, Dean never put himself out there for anything – sports, academics, friends, girlfriends. Considering the wall, and Sonny, and Robin, too, it seems like Dean went for all of them when he was here. It really makes Sam wonder what was so different about his stay here at the boy's home.

Those aren't things you do if you aren't happy, and Sam really has to wonder why Dean didn't just stay there. He just has to ask, even though he doesn't really expect a straight answer from his brother, and he doesn't get one. Still he can make a pretty educated guess. Their Dad drilled obligation into his brother's head their whole lives, to the job, to protecting him, to following orders. Back then it drove him crazy that Dean never objected or even tried to want something different. Somehow it's so much sadder to realize that he had and Sam never knew.

 

#### 9x08 (Rock And A Hard Place): Limited Perspective

Dean thinks joining the chastity group will be kind of funny, but he forgot its the sort of thing where they always want you to share things about yourself. The thing is, while he's always liked sex, it hasn't really been the same since Lisa. There's an intimacy in having a relationship with someone that you just don't get from one night stands you can't even tell your real name to. Which is not to say that he's taken up celibacy for real, but it sounds like a good excuse in his head for joining their little group. At least until he starts talking and realizes he doesn't really want to tell a group of strangers, and worse, Sam, something that personal. So he starts desperately rambling about sex and ends up glad Sam is there to prompt him into shutting up.

He's also distracted by the fact the group councilor seems weirdly familiar somehow. Yeah, she's hot and that does play a part in his asking to go back to her apartment, but he does intend to ask her about the disappearances and try and figure out why he feels like he knows her. He can multitask.

Of course, that's until he gets distracted by Susie being freakin' Carmelita. It's almost like meeting Dr. Sexy had been before they realized it was just that dick Gabriel. At first he just wants to say what a fan he is and reassure her that she shouldn't be ashamed, but it turns into something else entirely and he goes right along without thinking much about it. So maybe casual sex isn't as good as a relationship with somebody, but it's still pretty damn good and it's crap anyone should be made to feel ashamed for enjoying it.

After, though, when things are all finished with Vesta and they've sent all the non-virgins back home, he wonders if maybe he should have thought a little longer. Susie had seemed eager enough at the time, but ever since she had to interact with the others who broke their vows, she's been looking at him differently. He didn't make her do anything, and he really doesn't understand why anyone would choose to be celibate, but he's not the one that has to keep living here and worry about feeling ashamed of his past. It's not his fault she went back on her vows, but he doesn't like the feeling that she really regrets it and not just because of the kidnapping mess.

Of course, he doesn't have too long to worry about that, because he has to worry about Sam. Not that he doesn't generally worry about Sam, but he's so sick of having to hide things from Sam while his brother is left wondering why he feels crappy for no obvious reason. He still wants to believe Ezekiel is on the up-and-up, but if Vesta claims Sam is still that much of a mess inside, Dean has to wonder just how much healing the angel has actually done. Worse, the way he interrupted their conversation and continues to hold Sam's well-being hostage is starting to feel fishy. Ezekiel hasn't done anything bad that Dean is aware of, and he's saved Cas and Charlie's lives. Still, he can't be sure he knows all the motives of an angel to be sure there isn't some angle to be worked here.

 

#### 9x09 (Holy Terror): Obligations and Opportunities

He thought he was making the right decision settling down into a new, human life as Steve. Every single thing he's tried to accomplish to help anyone since he helped the Winchesters stop the apocalypse has gone wrong. Castiel thought that at least at the Gas N Sip, no souls, no lives, and no realms would be on the line if he screwed up again.

Of course, considering how everything else since he discovered free will has gone, he should have known it could not be that simple. He told himself he was doing what was best for everyone, but really, he had just been hiding again. It's been on his mind since he called Dean and they confronted Ephraim together. The other angel may not have understood anything about life on earth, but what he'd said about Castiel had a definite ring of truth he couldn't make himself ignore.

Dean always seems to see the idea of leaving hunting behind as some great ideal that should happen to everyone but himself. It is a considerate thought, especially given how badly Castiel has screwed up things between them, but he just can't leave things as they are and hide here. So when he sees news of what is clearly an angel massacre, he packs up and goes to investigate. He hadn't quite let himself hope that he'd run into the Winchesters there, but he can't help being glad that he does.

Cas understands why they couldn't let him stay and endanger their home at the bunker, and being sent away is nothing more than he deserves anyway. Even knowing that, it still hurts that Dean tells him to leave, again. He just wishes he knew exactly where he stands. Dean says it is because of the other angels, but why is working this case with him so much less permissible than the last one? Dean had already been so mad at him for so many things before he screwed up and helped Metatron force the angels out of heaven, maybe he has only been as accepting as he has because he'd feel guilty if Cas got himself killed. He knows even if the hunter never wanted to see him again, Dean would probably still feel guilty. It doesn't really matter why, though, because if the best thing he can do is keep away, he will.

He can't help Sam and Dean except by staying away, and Cas doesn't really believe he has the right to make any choices for his brothers and sisters after all he's done. Except things are so bad right now for the angels that it is almost a relief there's little he can imagine making it worse. So when he finds an opportunity to strengthen himself, he takes it. Barbaric does not even begin to cover the repulsiveness of stealing another angel's grace, but with it, maybe he can be useful again.

 

#### 9x10 (Road Trip): Payment Due

There are times when Dean is really amazed at the depths of his own stupidity. He had known Sam was going to be very angry when he found out about him allowing the angel possession. Dean had been prepared to weather that. It would be worth it to have his brother alive, no matter how pissed off.

In Dean's experience very few angels had any idea of subtlety or patience, so Dean assumed fake Ezekiel would be pretty easily pegged as straight up good or evil right off. Also, Cas' endorsement had meant a lot. He was still thinking he'd been right about the halo up until the day Cas told him Ezekiel had been dead all along and whatever angel douche was in his brother realized Dean found him out and killed Kevin.

He can still hear the last thing Kevin said to him about how trusting Dean always ended up screwing him over echoing through his head for the whole ordeal of tracking Sam and extracting the angel. The reminder Crowley had nearly talked Kevin into leaving not that long ago because Dean always got people around him killed just stings all the more. Not only is the red-eyed bastard right, but if Dean hadn't talked Kevin down, he'd probably be alive right now.

When it's all over and Sam is himself again, Dean knows he has to leave. His brother still needs to recover, and he'll need Cas and the bunker to do that, but if Dean doesn't leave, Sam will. That's what Sam does whenever Dean screws up bad enough. Well, not this time. He can't apologize for saving his brother's life, but he can make things easier on everyone by getting lost.

 

#### 9x11 (First Born): Burdens

Sam wouldn't exactly say he was suicidal, but he's not fooling himself into thinking that he's dealing particularly well right now. Not that he doesn't have good reason. He and Dean have been through so much crap together and while they didn't always see things the same way, there were a few things he thought they'd worked out between them ages ago that they apparently hadn't.

It would be bad enough that Dean just didn't seem to understand there were some lengths that you shouldn't go to attempting to save someone else. So this time he bargained with an angel instead of selling his own soul, but it was still just as obviously stupid.

What is far worse, though, is that now because of the decision Dean made for him, it's Sam's fault Kevin is dead. Dean is wrong about being poison, but everyone around them does keep ending up dead, and Sam thinks that maybe it's time they stop fooling themselves that it doesn't have something to do with their decisions.

It's hard, because Cas has a point about the way Sam's acting and how he and Dean do seem to keep throwing their lives away. Sam can't quite help himself, though. All the bad things he's done, he'd thought going through the trials and closing the gates of hell would finally even up the scales. He'd let Dean talk him out of it and now he's got one more thing to feel guilty about. Sam isn't suicidal, but thanks to his brother, Sam's back to being desperate to make up for what he's done again. Sam's sick of coming back to this unhappy place, and this has got to be the last time.

 

#### 9x12 (Sharp Teeth): Biting Back

The thing is, Dean screwed them all over and then took off. Sam can understand that impulse only too well, but he's learned that it just doesn't make anything better. Sam was and is pissed at his brother, but he was hurting and confused and could have used both the support and someone to yell at. Cas was surprisingly great about being a friend, but after what he'd done Dean owed him to be there.

He's already irritated about that, but when his brother can't even actually manage to get the words "I'm sorry" out, it just makes Sam all the more aggravated. The two of them have both made some huge mistakes, but Sam has said he's sorry plenty of times and done his best to make up for what he's gotten wrong. Dean trying to pass the whole thing off with an unstated implication of apology and the excuse that they're family, Sam's just done.

Maybe if he can get Dean to stop seeing family as some end all be all excuse for letting the rest of the world burn, it'll be a start to fixing things. Eventually, he hopes. Sam is smart enough to know that Dean's probably going to take what he said about not being brothers the wrong way, but right now, he kind of wants it that way. Maybe he'll finally feel bad enough he'll stop sacrificing everyone and everything else for Sam, because Sam can't take much more of that.

 

#### 9x13 (The Purge): Vindictive

Dean hasn't really ever thought of himself as a hero, but he's always gotten through by figuring that as hunters they helped as much as they could. So it cuts pretty damn deep for Sam to say he's not doing more good than he is bad. That's bad enough, but Sam insisting his being alive isn't worth it, that he wishes Dean had let him die?

It's been a long time now that they haven't had much of anything but each other. Dean hasn't been ready to give that last bit of a decent life up, having someone to rely on, not even for something as huge as closing the gates of hell. But apparently wanting to keep anything at all for themselves is selfish, according to Sam. Well, according to Sam now, after he already made the decision but doesn't like the aftermath.

He knew Sam was pissed. He'd expected that, he'd deserved that, but even Sam telling him that they couldn't be brothers anymore hadn't been quite enough to clue him in to how screwy things had gotten. Sam's done with him. After all they've been through, somewhere along the way Sam decided Dean was no longer worth it.

It just goes to show that everyone would rather be dead than stuck with him. Well, it doesn't matter, because next time he just has to make sure he's the one that needs saving. That's what he wanted with the trials, anyway, but Sam insisted they could both live through that. Next time he'll just die and stay that way since Sam won't save him and he won't have to apologize for saving his brother the same way he's been doing their whole lives. Everybody will be happy.

 

#### 9x14 (Captives): Fault

Going to summon a spirit named Candy in a forest in Wichita in hopes of tracking down Kevin's mom alive is pretty much the definition of a long shot. Still, Kevin has a point, there's little they can do to make things up to him and if this is what he wants, this is what they'll do.

Surprisingly, however, it turns out that there's actually something to the whole thing. As if things haven't been hard enough lately, having to confront Linda Tran with the fact that Kevin is dead actually manages to make Sam feel even worse than he did. A day ago, he wouldn't have thought that was possible.

Everything around them has gone to crap in what is not even close to the first time, and most of it could have been avoided if Dean had just let him finish the trials. So he doesn't need Kevin telling him to just get over it. Maybe it seems that simple to Kevin, but it's not. What Dean did is not something he can just forgive and forget and the two of them can't just go on like this was okay, because his brother clearly doesn't understand what he should be sorry for and would doubtless do it again. Sam can't stand having any more deaths at his expense, he just can't, their lives aren't worth that and until Dean sees that he can't let this go and he shouldn't. Just because no one else seems to be able to see that doesn't mean it isn't true.

 

#### 9x15 (#THINMAN): Anvils, Man

It's funny hearing Ed and Harry parrot back and forth dialogue that sounds very much like things he and Sam have said to one another lately. The fact that the two situations are completely dissimilar only makes it more weirdly surreal.

Ed made up an urban legend to lure Harry away from making life choices of which he didn't approve. His reasoning was to prevent the two of them spending less time together and giving up their ambitions as supernatural investigators. From the sound of the situation and what little he knows about those two weird little dudes, Harry would probably have eventually changed his mind about some of those choices anyway. There were a million better ways to handle the situation, with the most obvious being actually talking to Harry, and plenty of time to attempt them in. Harry lost his girlfriend and nearly lost his life as a result of Ed's lies, and didn't appreciably gain anything.

Dean made a choice to save Sam's life immediately after Sam had agreed that completing the trials wasn't worth losing his life over. Sam may have resigned himself to dying in his own head when there was no other obvious choice, but he'd agreed readily enough when presented with an unspecified alternative that would allow him to live. Yeah, Dean allowed him to be tricked into it, but he had no time to find a better solution that would keep his brother from dying. Dean just outright can't believe Sam isn't better off alive, even if his brother is too buried in guilt over the collateral damage to see it. Maybe it was still wrong of him to do it – Sam clearly thinks so - but it's not remotely the same kind of mistake.

The only thing the two situations really have in common is that they've driven a wedge between the respective participants and they got innocents killed. Still, the weird echoes in the confrontation between those two guys makes it feel like the universe is dropping bizarre, ineptly aimed anvils on his head.

 

#### 9x16 (Blade Runners): Paying Attention

Sam isn't quite sure who exactly creeps him out more, Crowley under the influence of human blood who thinks they're on the same team, or Magnus who wants to add Dean to his collection. Of course, when it comes down to it neither one of them is actually half as disturbing as the way Dean looks holding the first blade after he kills Magnus.

He's not even sure he could quantify what about it that's so chilling, beyond the fact that he knows every expression of Dean's face and there's something so completely alien to that particular look of bloodlust – even beyond the fact that it seems to put Dean into some kind of weird trance.

Honestly, he's had too many other things on his mind lately and too little ability to think about his brother without getting angry to really consider how dismissive Dean was about getting the mark. If he hadn't been so pointedly not thinking about it, Sam would have seen that attitude for the red flag it is ages ago. His brother is always the most flippant when he's really worried about something. They don't really know anything about Cain, the mark, or the blade and that really is a problem. In Sam's experience, what they don't know inevitably turns out to be far worse than they could have ever predicted.

 

#### 9x17 (Mother's Little Helper): Necessity

Ever since Magnus put the blade into his hands, Dean hasn't felt quite the same. He's restless and finds himself thinking about getting it back pretty much whenever he's not actively concentrating on something else. Sometimes even when he is. He doesn't think he'll be able to talk Crowley into handing over the blade, but pouring over the files he's so busy thinking about it he just can't take it anymore.

Cain said there would be consequences to taking the mark. At the time, he hadn't wanted to know because they had to kill Abaddon somehow, and the blade was the only way, so whatever they were, they didn't matter. That hasn't changed, but Dean just feels in his gut that this is only the beginning. So they need to find Abaddon and get her dead as soon as possible, because once that's taken care of it won't matter how bad the mark screws him up. What could it possibly do that was worse than killing him?

 

#### 9x18 (Meta Fiction): The Beginning of a Story Comes Together

After the thing with Magnus drew his attention so blatantly to it, Sam can't really stop wondering about what the mark might be doing to his brother. For one thing, it's left him reanalyzing everything his brother has done since he got it.

The both of them are good with weapons, but the way Dean had fought the rogue werewolves had been particularly intense, like how he'd just whipped a knife off into that cop's heart. Then there had been his desire to kill the pishtaco, even though she clearly hadn't hurt anyone. Sam thought they'd moved past branding all monsters as monsters just for existing, but Dean had always been more hardline about that than Sam, so he hadn't thought much of it at the time.

He'd similarly shrugged off how Dean had killed that psycho with a knife during the Thinman thing. They generally tried to avoid killing regular humans, but ever since demons became so populous on earth, they really haven't had much choice beyond killing them in their hosts. Sam liked to hope that most of them were dead anyway, and it was often true, but the fact was they were so strong that taking the time to trick them into a trap for an exorcism even when there was just one took time and injuries they just couldn't afford to risk. That more often than not demons came in multiples just made it that much less feasible. Someone who was just human, though, they generally tried to leave for the authorities. Those two lunatics had been trying to kill the two of them, but looking back on it now he's realizing he should have been more bothered by it.

He's worried enough when he catches Dean intermittently rubbing at the mark. Still, nothing he's noticed so far has been bad enough that he objects when Dean suggests Sam be the one to go look for Cas so he doesn't take his anger out on Gadreel. He's too busy worrying about what's happened to Cas to wonder if that might not have been very smart until he comes back and finds Dean staring aimlessly in some kind of fugue state next to an unconscious and badly beaten Gadreel. He doesn't care about the angel at all, and would have liked to clobber the guy himself, but the vacant look in his brother's eyes is far too similar to what happened when he had the first blade in hand for Sam's comfort.

His worries are only confirmed by the way Cas reacts to seeing the mark and that he makes a point of telling Sam to watch out for Dean. The problem is Sam's got no clue what can be done about it. If he tries to talk to Dean about it, at best he'll get a standard line about being fine and get ignored. At worst, it's spark off a huge fight considering all the tension already between them, and Cas is right. Right now, someone needs to be keeping an eye on Dean.

 

#### 9x19 (Alex Annie Alexis Ann): A Regular Day at the Office

Dean finds himself wondering what's up with Sam. For once the two of them are on a simple, clear-cut monster hunt. They don't have to worry about the fate of heaven or hell, and there's no chance there's some poor bastard human inside that they could have possibly saved. So yeah, Dean is enjoying the hell out of killing these bloodsuckers.

Sam's already said he doesn't want to be brothers anymore and he wouldn't bother to try and save Dean if he were dying. Maybe Sam's just going to pick at everything Dean does until he doesn't even want to be business partners anymore, either. Because they kill monsters, it's what they do. Dean has always gotten what enjoyment he can out of it, because there usually isn't enough enjoyment to be had elsewhere in their lives. So Sam acting as if this is some strange new development doesn't make any sense without some kind of ulterior motive.

 

#### 9x20 (Bloodlines): Someone Else's Problem

Sam knows on some level that Ennis won't listen to him about getting out. If it was him, he wouldn't; and the situation is just so eerily similar to what happened to Jess all those years ago. Except he was far, far more prepared for what he was getting back into after her death.

So Sam figures the least they can do is stick around and clear out the worst of this monster infestation. Considering the things he's observed in his brother lately, he figures Dean will be altogether too eager to do just that. Which is a good part of the reason that he doesn't fight Dean's insistence they have to go after the phone call from Cas.

They may not have a lot of friends left, but they do have a fairly decent listing of reasonably competent hunters, who can't do anything about Abaddon or Metatron but should be able to take care of a bunch of standard monsters. Even if there is a city's population worth of them.

 

#### 9x21 (King Of The Damned): Out of Time

When they go to interrogate the angel for Cas, Sam steps in with his own plan pretty quickly. Considering the way things have been with his brother lately, he's not entirely sure what Dean might do. Thankfully, their guy isn't exactly Mensa material and they get everything they need just like that.

He's not really suspicious that Dean has them split up until after the fact. When Crowley clues him in to the fact that Dean knew it was a trap and mislead him, he wants to be angry. The problem is he's still too disconcerted by the viciousness Dean displayed killing Abaddon. He didn't just stab her with the blade, he splattered her insides all over the place after she was dead, which seems like a pretty clear indication that whatever the blade is doing to him, it's just getting worse.

Frankly, that has more to do with why he doesn't say anything about killing Crowley as because he actually thinks it's a good idea to let him go. If Sam's learned one thing, it's that Crowley will always come back with some new scheme, and the fact he's willing to work with them when it suits him doesn't do much to negate that.

After, Sam isn't sure whether he's more annoyed by his assumption that Dean is once again making choices for him to protect him, or Dean's claim that Sam would have necessarily screwed the whole thing up. He has been a bit afraid of bringing up his suspicions about the way Dean's been acting, but he doesn't see any choice after this but to say something about it. He hopes that Dean will admit he knows something is wrong, too. Even knowing Dean and half-expecting to be dismissed about that, he's really surprised Dean just flat-out denies the possibility of putting the blade away.

 

#### 9x22 (Stairway To Heaven): Angels are Dumb, News at 11

The whole organization that Cas has going on with the angels is more than a little creepy. Then again, aside from Cas, most of the angels he's had the misfortune of meeting have been creeps, so maybe that just figures.

He doesn't really think that Cas would have ordered any of his people to suicide bomb anyone. Still, with the vibes his angel groupies are putting out, he's not convinced none of them took the initiative on their own. That's why it doesn't make much sense for Cas himself to investigate any of this, which seems pretty obvious to him. Cas, of course, is oblivious.

Of course, even more obnoxious than Cas' groupies fawning is being condescended at by some sanctimonious angel bitch. He missed the days when he naively thought that once the apocalypse was over he was done dealing with those bastards. At least she's smart enough to be intimidated into giving him some answers.

He's not sure he really likes Hannah either, but at least she tries to be reasonable and she doesn't talk down to him. He doesn't like it when she dictates the terms of his interrogation of Tessa, but her explanation makes sense, even if her demands about what he can and can't do grate on him.

Even though he knows she's suicidal, he doesn't expect Tessa to throw herself onto the blade when he pulls it out. He really just means it as an intimidation tactic. He can't quite help jamming the blade the rest of the way in, though, and he's not sure why.

When Metatron calls and makes his bid for Cas' army and they demand his head on a pike for Tessa, he feels bad for doubting the guy at all. Cas has made some terrible decisions in the past, but even still Dean doesn't think these idiots deserve anything from Cas if they doubt him that easy. Considering the situation with Metatron, he wouldn't entirely blame Cas if the angel had decided to throw him under the bus to keep his army. It would be the smarter thing to do, but then, Cas is part of their family so it only figures he doesn't make the smart call.

Dean won't deny he's had a few weird moments since picking up the first blade, but when Sam has kept questioning him about how it's affecting him he's thought his brother was just being paranoid or contrary. Cain had warned him the mark would have side effects, but he doesn't really feel all that different from normal aside from a few bouts of intense focus it's hard to shake himself out of. When Gadreel shows up, he knows they should probably listen to the guy. On some level, he does know that at least probing someone who has been so high in Metatron's organization could get them invaluable info. Despite that, he literally cannot stop himself from attacking Gadreel with the intent to gut him right there and then. It's the first time he's really willing to admit to himself that maybe Sam has a point.

 

#### 9x23 (Do You Believe In Miracles), Take One: Going Out

He should have known that Crowley had information he hadn't bothered to share about the mark. Crowley always knows more than he says, and it more often than not involves screwing them over somehow. It doesn't matter, though. Dean took the mark to get rid of Abaddon and Metatron and he's halfway there.

Once he gets rid of the douche angel, it won't matter if the blade makes him puke his guts up 'til it kills him. Yeah, he could have told Crowley he wanted to get rid of it, but he doesn't, and that's not just the blade's influence on him talking. Once Abaddon and Metatron are gone, he's got nothing worth sticking around for, so he'd rather get Crowley's help to just get on with it.

Of course Sam isn't quite that easy to outmaneuver. When they do meet back up, Dean just can't believe that Sam manages to turn a rant about him trying to kill Gadreel, who so clearly deserves to go down, into yet another rant about how wrong Dean was to save his life. Seriously? It's bad enough his brother is defending the life of the angel that screwed them all over, but that he actually thinks this is the time and place to hash that out again just makes Dean's decision to team up with Crowley seem all the more sensible.

He wishes he could stick with that plan, but Dean is sure he's not going to the get information he needs from Sam if he doesn't ditch Crowley. So he pretends to go along with Sam's insistence that they do this together – he's sure it'll be easy enough to give him the slip when the time comes.

And it is, he just wishes Sam would have been willing to give him the chance to say goodbye. The way Dean figures it, this will work out best if he either goes down while taking out Metatron or takes off immediately afterward for parts unknown to let the blade finish killing him off. Sam has always wanted to live a normal life, but has kept getting pulled back in because he feels obligated because of Dean. Well, Sam has finally gotten over that, so there's no point dragging this out. If his brother actually cares enough to wonder why Dean disappeared, his first stop to find out is gonna be Crowley who can tell him everything he needs to know before getting on with his life.

Well, that was the plan, anyway. Still, Dean's glad he gets that chance to say goodbye back. Hopefully it'll give Sam some closure. As for Metatron, well, Sam was right – he's still got Cas to help him out with that one, and those two together will figure something out. This is as good of an ending as he could have hoped to get, and surely a better one than he deserves.

 

#### 9x23 (Do You Believe In Miracles), Take Two: Not with a Bang

Sam has been giving Dean as much leeway as he can because he's become more and more convinced that something is seriously wrong with his brother. He was already trying to work out in his head what to do when Dean made that speech about him being in charge but all of that went right out the window when he attacked Gadreel, whose help they need.

He assumes they'll have time to work up some kind of plan to either get Metatron without Dean or somehow keep Dean from losing control once he's locked down in the storage room slash dungeon. Unfortunately, he forgot that with Dean unrestrained there was access to what was in the room, which unfortunately included all the ingredients for a demon summoning.

Honestly, he really doesn't think they can trust Dean enough at this point to help them take out Metatron. Unfortunately, Cas and Gadreel are right, with the way Metatron has powered himself up via the tablet, the first blade is probably their only chance. Well, at least unless the angels' attempt to infiltrate Metatron's office comes off far faster than he expects it to.

When he wakes up beside the Impala he really can't believe he was this stupid again. Dean tried to cut him out of the fight with Abaddon, Dean tried to cut him out of tracking down Metatron, and somehow he still didn't see Dean knocking him out coming. He's cursing himself the whole way to the warehouse.

The thing is, what he told Dean about how he wouldn't do the same in the same circumstances, that was half anger and half truth. Now, in the aftermath of watching Metatron stab his brother and seeing Dean visibly fading with every step they limp out, he remembers why they've both done such idiotic, ridiculous things to save one another.

His relationship with Dean is pretty unhealthy, and Sam knows that. After Dean disappeared taking down Dick Roman, Sam found himself absolutely adrift and painfully desperate for anything to anchor himself to. He'd found something with Amelia, but it had fallen apart and then Dean had been back. Somewhere, under the relief his brother was alive and the guilt he'd never looked for him, Sam had decided he never wanted to be set that badly adrift again.

He wasn't going to leave Dean to deal with a monumental task like boarding up hell alone, especially with his brother's fatalistic attitude about it, but after, Sam was going to find a life for himself somewhere. Hunting only had one end, and if they went on as they had been, one day one of them was going to be left completely alone with nothing and it would stick. With Sam's luck, it would be him, so he was determined to set himself off towards a different future. As the toll on his body and mind had gotten heavier and heavier, though, he'd been worn down the point he would have just been happy to have it all over.

What Dean had done to save his life, letting him get possessed, was wrong. The fact that Kevin had suffered for it and Dean refused to apologize had pushed it into nearly unforgivable territory. Unfortunately, the problem with their lives was that so much crap just piled on deeper and deeper that things which happened just a few years ago could seem distant as completely different lifetimes. So it isn't until he's here, now, hauling his brother's lifeless body back to the Impala, that he remembers again just how much worse it is to be the one that gets left behind rather than the one who dies. Last time it had been him, he'd had literally no one to ask for help or a deal. It's a hell of a lot harder to say you won't take the stupid option when you actually have options to take.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, so here's the deal: I wrote most of these after having seen at least the whole season they were from. Largely because there is always the potentiality information revealed later will color previous events. For that reason I won't be posting season ten until sometime after its finale airs. At that point, I'm probably going to mark this finished, as I just don't think after these last two seasons I'll have enough interest to continue on.


	10. Season Ten

#### 10x01 (Black): Demon in our Midst

Sam doesn't know what to expect when he gets no response to his summons of Crowley. It certainly isn't for Dean's body to have completely disappeared with only the cryptic note, _Sammy Let Me Go_. Okay, maybe not cryptic, since that's exactly what he'd told Dean he should have done for him after the trials. Maybe it makes him a hypocrite now to be unable to do that, but if so, so be it.

He spends his time researching every avenue he can think of to explain why Dean would take off. Everything from the Mark of Cain itself, which he should have looked into months and months ago, to general types of possession and control, hoping something will click so that when he does find his brother, something can be done to fix him.

When he finally sees his first glimpse of Dean on that grainy black and white camera footage in the police station, he's surprised. As much as he'd picked this out as a lead on demonic activity and been hopeful it could lead him closer to Crowley and therefore Dean, he hadn't really expected it to pan out any more than the previous ones. His first thought is it somehow looks like Dean is alive, and he can't believe that because it's too good to be true – he felt his brother die and if Dean is alive, why is he hiding out? Of course, a closer look at the footage dashes his hope and replaces it with rage; some black-eyed son of a bitch is wearing his brother's skin around for kicks.

After talking with Crowley, he almost, almost wishes that was true. It's not that he really believes Crowley wouldn't lie through his teeth – of course he would – but the smug satisfaction in the bastard's voice tells Sam he's not. Well, at least not about the demon inside being all Dean. He's still sure Crowley's motives have everything to do with using Dean somehow and nothing to do with being pals. That whole buddy comedy line was just to get under Sam's skin, and of course it does, because if he hadn't been so busy punishing his brother for what he'd done, Dean never would have gotten into this mess. If Crowley hasn't learned by now just how bad an idea it is to screw with the Winchesters, Sam is going to make sure it sinks in this time, mortal wound deep.

 

#### 10x02 (Reichenbach): Overconfidence and Indulgence

Things have been different since he woke up in the bunker, black eyes and all. His first thought was to make sure Sam let him go. Whatever last minute misgivings Sam had felt, the previous year had made it clear Sam wanted to be done with him. That had hurt, before, but now it just seems like the best thing for both of them to give Sam what he wants.

Since then, Dean's been giving himself what he wants, when he can get up the energy to want anything at all. Before, he'd have felt guilty about not being out there, doing something to save people from the monsters. Now, hey, he's unequivocally one of the monsters, so it's just not his problem. It doesn't hurt that he can see the wheels turning and the aggravation growing in Crowley the longer Dean just screws around. One thing hasn't changed, Dean Winchester doesn't take orders from anybody. He's just waiting to see the expression on Crowley's face when the bastard finally snaps and tries to treat Dean like the minion he was hoping the Mark would turn him into. High on killing Lester the idiot, it is pretty much everything Dean could have hoped for.

Of course, the thing he should have remembered about Sammy is that his brother is one stubborn son of a bitch, and the kid has it in his head that Dean is his responsibility. He's vaguely aware that if he were still completely human, he'd probably be doing what Sam is now, but he's not, and now, with the detachment being a demon has given him to everything, Dean feels like he's seeing things clearly for the first time. He and Sam aren't good for each other, and haven't been for a very long time now, and if he could just get Sam to let go instead of spouting sappy speeches about brotherhood...

The last thing he expects is for their discussion to be interrupted by some random moron. Dean doesn't even know if he killed the guy's dad or not, and he really doesn't care. Although beating him up is pretty fun, because the idiot is so completely overconfident and so absolutely clueless. Unfortunately, he lets the fun of it distract him. He should have known better than to forget about Sammy.

 

#### 10x03 (Soul Survivor): What Lurks Within

He'd known Crowley was telling the truth about Dean being a demon now, thanks to the Mark of Cain. Knowing it hadn't been enough for Sam to really prepare himself for seeing it. That's not some creature screwing with him by wearing his brother's face, that's his actual brother. Seriously twisted and still trying to screw with him, but his brother. When he's making unearthly growling sounds that raise the hair on the back of Sam's neck, when he's blaming Sam for everything bad that ever happened in both their lives, when he's swinging a hammer at Sam's head – it's Dean. Yeah, the stuff he says is a completely obvious ploy to strike back at Sam the only way available, but it still hurts to hear even if he knows it all comes from the dark, ugly place everyone has at the back of their mind that whispers spiteful things. Sam can't help but wonder if this is some kind of cosmic payback for the things he knowingly said to hurt Dean to get back at him after Gadreel.

Almost all their lives, Dean has always been the one to pull them back together, to refuse to give up and admit defeat. The last time Dean gave up on them was when they were in the middle of the apocalypse with no way out and everyone saying it was destiny for them to give in. It's the only other time Sam has felt so completely lost; most of the time he doesn't even think about the fact that Dean is always there acting as an anchor to hold him in place or to push back against. Dealing with the horrible things Dean is saying while seriously wondering if he's actually killing his brother, Sam barely manages to hold it together.

Cas' matter-of-fact pronouncements about killing Dean don't help. Not only does Sam doubt he can do that, he's not entirely sure he can let Cas do it, either. When Dean gets loose and Sam's hopes his brother will have been affected the way Crowley was towards the end of the trials are spectacularly dashed, Sam finds his answer. He can't intentionally kill his brother, even while his brother is happily trying to kill him.

Besides, when it's all said and done, Sam has to wonder if they would have been able to kill him anyway. The knife hadn't worked on Abaddon and Metatron already killed Dean once, but it didn't take. If Sam couldn't kill him, he certainly wouldn't be able to stand carving him into pieces to bury alive separately in cement. He figures they were all really lucky Cas showed up when he did and the cure did ultimately work.

Of course, it doesn't solve everything. Maybe most of what the demon version of Dean said wasn't exactly true, but of all the things that came out of his mouth, Sam suspects it's true enough Dean found being a demon much easier than being himself. Which puts just how bad things have been for his brother in a harsh light that Sam really doesn't like or know how to fix. With the mark's continued presence on top of it, well, Sam's still got plenty to worry about.

 

#### 10x04 (Paper Moon), Take One: Armchair Quarterbacking

Coming back from being a demon is hard. Not just from the guilt of the things he'd done and said and almost done, but also from the guilt of missing the freedom of it. He didn't want to be a creature that needed to be hunted. He didn't want to do wrong or outright evil. But he doesn't really want all the weight of the world back on his shoulders again either. That's why he agrees with Cas he and Sam should take some time off, and it's great, really, it is. The two of them need the time to reconnect and get past everything that's happened in the last year.

Except it's not quite that easy. When he tells Sam he needs to work, he means it in more than one way. All these years being on the hunt, it's just habit to look for cases - but he could get past that. As much as sorting himself and his relationship out with Sam sounds like a good idea, actually being in his head isn't all that fun. He sure as hell doesn't wanna dwell there. Even without those issues, the Mark is still there and he can still feel the pull of it. The reduced but present need he feels to kill something is only compounded by what Crowley told him would happen if he didn't feed it.

Unfortunately, the hunt they agree to do does not help him. While it's great he and Sam actually open up and talk to one another in a way they haven't done in ages, it doesn't fix anything. He's not blind; he can see echoes of himself and Sam in Kate and Tasha. Dean's not unaware it's so much easier to make the call to let go when it's someone else's family on the line. Even if she wanted to, from what they know of werewolves, Tasha couldn't come back from eating human hearts, and she didn't want to. Kate allowed herself to realize that Tasha wasn't really her sister anymore. That'd be great and all, but it means Dean didn't get to kill anything. And it's an unpleasant reminder of Dean's fear that after what happened in the bunker, when it comes down to it again, Sam isn't strong enough to make the call Kate had to.

 

#### 10x04 (Paper Moon), Take Two: Vulnerability

Sam had been willfully blind for a lot of the time right after Dean had come back to the bunker with the Mark. He hadn't really cared his brother had become more callous and violent, because he'd been doing his best to separate himself from Dean. In retrospect, though, the signs were present and the fact he can see them again now already is worrisome. The Mark had been pushing Dean out of control well before it made him a demon, and Sam can't help but wonder how long his brother will hold out until it happens again.

The echoes he can see of himself and Dean in Kate and Tasha don't help at all. Hearing Kate talk about her desperation to save her sister, seeing the family pictures of the two of them as children, and then realizing what's become of them and what he and Dean are there to do. It just hurts because he's not at all sure Dean will be able to control himself any more than Tasha wants to. Maybe that's why he's distracted enough the werewolves get the jump on the two of them.

He and Dean have been acknowledging but not really dealing with the fact that Dean was a demon. Dean killed at least one mostly-innocent human being – that Sam knows about. To hear Dean say there are just some things you can't come back from, he knows his brother isn't just talking about eating human hearts. He wants to suggest they go back to relaxing and taking time off, but he does understand why Dean doesn't want to do that. His brother has always been too ready to take on the guilt for everything and tried to balance it by doing good by hunting. It's not healthy, but if it's the only thing that's going to make him feel better after this latest load, Sam can be there to keep him from falling too far under the influence. At least, he has to hope he can.

 

#### 10x05 (Fan Fiction): Strange Perspectives

Sam's right, a missing teacher really isn't all that much to go on. Still, he needs to be doing something, and as good at is feels to restore Baby from the state she'd gotten into when he just didn't care as a demon, it's not enough to keep him occupied. Dean doesn't want to have to think about that being less about wanting to get back to normal and more about the Mark's creeping influence. So he pushes for the potential case, because at least investigating something that turns out to be nothing will involve some kind of movement between now and then.

Of course, if he'd known what they were going to stumble into, he probably wouldn't have been quite so eager. He'd thought meeting Chuck was surreal, he'd thought walking into a convention with people dressed as him and Sam was freaky, he'd hated visiting an alternate reality where he and Sam had to pretend to be some bozo actors who played them on TV, but seeing their lives as a musical theater production? Wow. That was just a whole new level, even before you added in the supposed subtext and act two, complete with robots in space, ninjas, and his apparent temporary gender change.

Reservations aside, it is a good thing he picked up on the disappearance because the only weird here isn't just the play. Once Dean gets past the fact these girls don't know they're making a weird fictional rewrite of actual people's lives, they're just another bunch of innocent civilians who need help. When it's all said and done, Dean thinks they're a cool bunch and they don't do a half bad job of working to help save themselves. As its own separate story, the play's better than he gave them credit for, too.

 

#### 10x06 (Ask Jeeves): Monsters Behind Unlocked Doors

The whole great WASP mansion murder mystery and Bobby's connection to it are just another weird day on the job, when it comes down to it. It was a little disappointing their hope of a windfall didn't pan out, but it's easy enough for Sam to shrug off.

What he can't shrug off is the way Dean goes terminator on the shapeshifter. Sam had agreed to be the distraction so Dean could get one of their guns with silver bullets from the car. It was part of the plan for Dean to be the one to shoot her, and she deserved to die for killing four innocent people, no matter how sad her story is. Maybe if Olivia had been given more choices she wouldn't have turned into a monster, but she's right; by the time they met her, it was already too late for her. Yet the way Dean just keeps shooting after she's already down is chilling and far too reminiscent of what happened with Abaddon.

It's not that he didn't think they would have to deal with the Mark at some point, but he was hoping they'd have more time to figure it out. Sam's almost as worried by the way his brother dismisses the incident as he is by what actually happened. He's honestly not sure if Dean is already going back on his promise to be straight with him or if Dean's fooling himself about how okay he is. Either way, it seriously scares him.

 

#### 10x07 (Girls, Girls, Girls): The More Things Change

Dean didn't actually forgot the case with Cole's dad, once he had time to sort through his memories of past hunts. Not just because he ran into a monster then he hadn't seen before or since, but because he remembered that little boy crying over what he thought was his father. As a demon, he didn't care enough to try and remember and had just wanted to rub salt in the wound anyway. Now, he's got to try and fix what his actions turned that kid into. Somehow. It's his fault this guy even found out monsters exist, and he has yet to know a hunter that actually met a good end. He hopes it's not too late to talk this guy into going back home to his family and forgetting what he saw.

Even before he spent time as a black-eyed son of a bitch, Dean didn't really hope things would someday work out okay for himself. As long as he can remember, he's always expected to go down fighting one fugly or another. The only difference between then and now is all the years in between have left him increasingly bitter about what he knows he can't have. The mark has only made Dean more sure of his ultimate end. He can only hope showing that hopelessness to Cole will be good enough. Both to send him home and to sate his lingering desire for revenge.

Sam doesn't want to see it, and maybe for Sam that inevitable sticky end won't be true. If there's anybody stubborn enough to get out and stay out of hunting, it'd be his brother. The last thing Dean needs is a lecture on the subject, though, so when Sam asks, he tells his brother what he thinks he needs to hear. He doesn't figure Sam truly buys it, but so long as it gets Dean out of talking about it, he doesn't much care.

 

#### 10x08 (Hibbing 911): Not Enough Fear of the Unknown

Sam honestly isn't sure what to do about Dean's current predicament, but he doesn't blame Dean for being frustrated with the Men of Letter's lack of useful knowledge. Normally, Sam would be one of the first people to support academics for the sake of pure knowledge, but the disconnect between the way the Men of Letters and hunters look at the monsters out there killing people disconcerts even him sometimes. They've got no knowledge on the mark of Cain, the only thing able to take down a knight of hell - incidentally the thing that wiped them all out - but they've got an epic-length study of werewolf transgenderism. Even knowing there are packs of werewolves out there like the one that found Garth who don't kill people, it still seems like time better spent on things that could have saved lives.

Dean may be more vocal about it, but the fruitless slog through the archives isn't exactly doing much for Sam, either. So when Jody calls, even if he figures she can probably handle it herself, Sam doesn't see the point in fighting Dean's eagerness to go back her up. Even if he has some worries about whether it might be better to keep Dean away from anything that might trigger the mark again, they can't stay here in the bunker getting nowhere forever.

It is nice to see Jody, if nothing else. Sam figures reconnecting with one of the few people they still have in their corner can't hurt Dean's state of mind. Donna is a surprise – in more ways than one. He didn't expect the bubbly sheriff from Stillwater to be so tough. Unfortunately, although introducing Donna to the fact monsters exist goes far better than it might have, the whole thing still leaves him with new worries. Sam doesn't know what to make of Dean's insistence the mark isn't pushing him for the first time since he's been back. Just how much is Dean feeling the mark, then? Just how much is he straight up lying to Sam, or maybe how much is he lying to himself about what it's doing to him? Sam doesn't have the answers, and every time the mark's effects come up, Sam worries that much more the lack of answers just might be coming back to bite them a lot sooner and harder than he had been hoping.

 

#### 10x09 (The Things We Left Behind): Mud on Your Rose Colored Glasses

Dean has been trying to hide just how much the mark has been bothering him, because until they find something more on it, there's not a damn thing they can do about it. Whining about it isn't going to help. The problem is, he's already wandered down this road once and he knows exactly where it ends. Last time, the Mark slowly drained off all his other hungers until he was left with little more than rage and an urge to make the rest of the world bleed. Maybe it's futile, but he wants to indulge himself in the ability to have other emotions and wants while he still can, even if he can see the fear in Sam's eyes, dissecting his every move.

He wants to have hope they'll find something, and it's not like they haven't accomplished a hell of a lot over the years. Dean's just not that much of an optimist, though; every hunter's luck runs out sometime and he's had more chances than anybody. Which is why he takes the opportunity of Cas' ridiculous "emergency" as an excuse to take the angel aside and extract a promise about taking him out. He can't leave it in Sam's hands, because for all his brother's bluster last year, Sam couldn't bring himself to fight back when Dean went full on black-eyes and was trying to smash the kid's head in with a hammer.

After he kills those douchebags just like in his nightmares, Dean feels lost. He can vaguely remember years and years ago when he felt guilty about having to waste a demon's host. Then with the devil's gate opening and the apocalypse starting, he and Sam had found themselves up to their eyeballs in demons. If they tried to take the time to set traps and exorcise every last one, the next demon would be off killing that many more people. Dean could justify those deaths even if the guilt weighed him down because he made the best choice he could to protect the most people.

Maybe these sons of bitches were taking advantage of a confused teenager and planned to beat or even kill Dean, but they'd been human. Yet even crossing that line isn't really the worst part. The thing that really scares the hell out of him is he didn't do it because he chose to. He'd just snapped and come out the other side covered in blood. Dean has always been a weapon, but now he's a loose cannon which might turn on anyone at any time. It's time to let go of the pretense he can control or predict the mark.

 

#### 10x10 (The Hunter Games): Down an Unlit Path

It's not like Sam really trusts Metatron, but Dean does have a point. What could the angel have to gain from putting Dean and the blade together while he's in their hands - other than an ugly death? That's the problem, though, they don't know what Metatron is aiming for. After how he tricked Castiel into making the angels fall, they can't assume he doesn't have an ulterior motive there's no way to even guess at.

Sam can't believe he and Cas were so careless as to lose track of Dean when they had Metatron in the bunker after what had just happened with Dean. Even after everything, the idea of watching Dean instead of watching Dean's back is still a little alien to him. Thankfully, they realized the mistake in time, but it starts Sam thinking. In the end, they're not really any better or worse off than they were before Cas brought Metatron out of heaven. Dean's desperate for a quick fix and Sam can't blame his brother for wanting that. He'd hoped they'd find an easy answer just as much. He wonders if maybe that isn't part of the problem.

Ever since Dean became human again, he's been talking about finding a way to fix the mark in one breath and making fatalistic statements with the next. Knowing what the mark already did to him once, Sam has to wonder if his brother is too busy believing he can't be and isn't worth saving to actually commit to fighting the mark's effects. Cain spent centuries resisting the mark on the strength of his will and a promise he made. Sam's brother is just as strong and just as stubborn, and he has to believe if Dean fights, he can control this. The alternative, when they have no idea of where to even look for any permanent cure, is unthinkable.

 

#### 10x11 (There's No Place Like Home): Coping Strategies

At first, Dean thinks that maybe Sam has a point about constantly working against the effects of the mark. So he makes a resolution to be good. No more booze, plenty of sleep, healthy crap food, the whole nine yards. It's miserable, honestly, but at this point, he's willing to give anything a try. He already has more than enough time being the monster to make up for.

Unfortunately, the whole bizarre _Enemy Within_ episode with Charlie shows him how ridiculous he's being. The mark and the impulses it causes are a part of him now. They can't just be split off and ignored because he doesn't like what's come of the decision he made. The whole goody-two-shoes route doesn't make the ugly disappear. Even for Charlie, who gets a quick fix to leash her dark side, it's not that simple.

He can fight against the mark, but he's been trying to do that by pretending it doesn't exist. It shouldn't be a surprise that didn't work. The only way he's going to get through it is by actually dealing with the mark and its effects and knowing what may happen to those he cares about if he doesn't.

 

#### 10x12 (About a Boy): Fairy Tales

Sam does believe Dean can beat the mark, mainly because he has to. Losing his brother to this again, it's just – that can't happen. So Sam is going to talk the talk until he and Dean both believe it. Okay, maybe Dean is just barely hanging on – it has to be bad for Dean to admit he's not okay – but locking himself away feeling guilty is not going to get them any closer to a fix.

Of course, Sam doesn't expect the random case he found online is going to end up with his brother first doing a disappearing act and then turning up a teenager again. It's disconcerting, to say the least, and Sam really doesn't like it. He and Dean have had their issues, and God knows he really wishes Dean would stop obsessively trying to protect him, but for all their problems Dean has always been there. His big brother, a rock he knew he could count on, no matter what. Seeing him a teenager again, vulnerable in ways his adult self isn't, well, as much as he wants it gone, getting rid of the mark isn't worth that to Sam.

On top of that, there's the realization Dean as a teen now isn't acting any different than Dean as a teen back then. Taking on things way bigger than he is with complete confidence while being totally out of his depth. Seeing that again through the lens of his own adult perspective is uncomfortable in ways Sam doesn't want to think about too much. He hasn't really believed Dean is invincible for a long time, but there is a certain part of him that still has his brother on a pedestal. Right now, he needs Dean to live up to that.

 

#### 10x13 (Halt and Catch Fire): Any Average Day

As if the problems with the mark aren't bad enough, all this time on the college campus is making Dean feel impossibly old, too. Of course, then again, maybe these particular kids are just dumb and don't get his references. Seriously, how he and Sam got away with referencing Nirvana, he'll never know. Christine? C'mon, it's a classic!

At the end of the day, the whole thing is just a typical angry spirit case, once you drop the wifi internet twist. Dean doesn't believe for a minute the ghost is going to listen to him, but he's got to try and stall for his SOS to Sam to get through somehow. Of course, what he finds himself saying brings his own current issues to mind. To be fair, they never get very far from his thoughts anymore anyway.

Dean hasn't exactly been lying, but for once he decides to be completely honest with Sam about how he feels. It's time, because he just can't deal with it anymore. The constant uncertainty, the hope that just keeps getting shot down, the unrealistic expectation Metatron or Cain has an answer – Dean just can't. Dean gets it, he does, because in Sam's place he would do and has done what his brother is doing, trying to hold on to hope there's going to be an answer out there, somewhere. It's just Dean on the line here though, and all the worry just isn't worth it.

 

#### 10x14 (The Executioner's Song): A Stay that Never Comes

Cas and Sam have been so desperate to find Cain, hoping he'd pull some kind of miracle solution to the mark out of the ether, but Dean had been pretty sure he knew better. It only made sense; if Cain knew of some way to get rid of the mark, why hadn't he done it for himself centuries ago?

Still, after Cain leaves Dean no choice but to put him down as he'd originally asked, Dean has to admit to himself there was a tiny part of him that had still hoped, too. Hoped that maybe if Cain could give the mark to someone else, he could also take it away from someone else. Hoped Cain knew something that would help him resist the constant pull to do violence he can't escape from. Although the latter had been crushed pretty much from the moment Cas had told them Cain was killing again.

As if what he, himself, might do with the mark wasn't a dark enough burden, Cain's kills were on his hands, too. The guy was living in the middle of nowhere and peacefully keeping bees for who knew how long until Dean had to butt in and unbalance his equilibrium. Ultimately, Dean doesn't know if Cain really wanted to kill him to save him from what the mark will drive him to, or to gain such a reprieve for himself. He kind of suspects with the way he fought and then gave up that Cain ultimately didn't even care which way things went, and that's a chilling thought.

Regardless, if Cain's years of abstinence were thrown off that easily, there's really no hope for Dean. With the lives he and Sam lead? Which doesn't even touch on the part where he starts to get the shakes if he goes long enough without a spot of violence. How long until that's before he makes a kill? Multiple kills? Multiple kills in shorter and shorter spans? Sam may want to retain hope there's some way to save him, but Dean just hopes if they lock him down and keep the blade away from him after he dies this time, he won't get out to wreak havoc with black eyes.

 

#### 10x15 (The Things They Carried): Burdens and Investment

Dean acts like he's given up. Sam can't. He just can't. It's not that he doesn't know he's already searched every damn site on the internet that even remotely mentions the Mark. He's well aware he's going in circles, but Sam just can't sit and do nothing while a ticking time bomb counts down on his brother's arm.

This is Dean's deal all over again, and god, that seems like so long ago now, but he can't help but think of it. How desperate and helpless he felt, and how, ultimately, he wasn't able to do anything to save his brother. How long are the two of them going to have to keep going, doing this same old dance of death and sacrifice? The only thing that sounds worse is being the one left behind, alone, with nothing again.

He can't decide how he feels about Dean being so unwilling to give up on Cole. His brother won't even talk about trying to find anything else about the Mark, but he absolutely refuses to give up on a guy infected with a supernatural parasite that almost got the best of them last time they came up against one. On the one hand, it drives him nuts Dean has so much faith and willpower to put into some random guy they barely know but none for himself. On the other, if Dean is still this committed to helping people, surely, surely if Sam or Cas or Charlie manage to find something to help, maybe Dean will stop being so fatalistic if they just manage to get a lead somewhere. They just have to get a lead somewhere.

 

#### 10x16 (Paint it Black): Empty Echoes

Dean's never been religious, not since his mother burned. Even going to hell and getting pulled out by an angel hadn't fundamentally changed that. Still, doing a case in a church can't help but make a guy really think about his place in the greater scheme of things.

He told Sam he was done hoping for some miracle cure to materialize out of thin air. Just giving up on hope doesn't actually fix the feeling of hanging on waiting for the other shoe to drop, though. It's not just Sam's insistence on believing there has to be a cure out there somehow and trying to talk Dean around, either. It was easy as a hunter to know some day one monster or another was going to take you down, but Dean always felt confident he could do a hell of a lot to make sure that day didn't have to be today.

With the mark, he knows a fate worse than death is constantly looming on the horizon, but there isn't a damn thing he can do to say when it'll hit. The brand burned into his skin is a constant reminder of all the things he can't fix. Those things he'll never get the chance to do over, to do better, or simply to do. Between being a hunter and all the apocalypse crap, normal goals, normal relationships, normal anything has pretty much always been out of reach. Still, as long as he and Sam kept on living, there was always the vague possibility of maybe someday for a lot of things.

He doesn't mean to let all those vague regrets that have piled up come pouring out in that confessional. Dean's been here before, after all. Of course, when he'd sold his soul, Dean had known how long he had. One year and boom, done. Not even knowing when his expiration date's gonna come up this time just makes it that much harder to push all his regrets and doubts back down from the surface.

 

#### 10x17 (Inside Man), Take One: Convictions

Sam knows Dean has been struggling with the mark. Still, being sent running through the bunker in the middle of the night at Dean's frantic shouts of his name, and finding him twitching in the grips of a nightmare? Well, it's no surprise Dean denies any problems sleeping when asked because he never wants to let anyone in, but it's just more proof things are steadily getting worse.

His searches aren't turning up anything, so it's time to do something a little more drastic. Sam's almost glad the angels shut them out of heaven because of the opportunity to talk to Bobby again. Of course, he should have realized Bobby would catch on to how he was going behind Dean's back. He'd kind of forgotten what it was like to get one of Bobby's lectures.

Although it's not quite the same in text form, and maybe he's right about telling Dean. Of course, Bobby's also right that he hasn't been around for a while to see all the crap they've been through since he's been gone. Sam can't afford to let Dean's obstinacy prevent him from finding a way to cure the mark. With the way Dean's been refusing to listen, it's just not worth the risk of telling him.

 

#### 10x17 (Inside Man), Take Two: The More Things Change

His brother's being all weird and obvious about wanting to go out alone, so Dean lets him get away with it. He doesn't know if the kid's got a date or what, but Sam probably can't get into any trouble he can't handle. Hell, Dean could also use the time away from Sam's constant concern about how he's doing.

Dean figures he'll spend the evening in at the bunker doing nothing much, at least at first. Unfortunately, with Sam gone, the echoes in his head just seem that much louder, so he opts to for the old standby of going out to the local bar for some background noise.

Toying with those college boy douches by scamming them with a painfully obvious hustle is more fun than he's had in a while, but unfortunately, he doesn't really get to fully enjoy it. Dean hopes it's something about being in a bar without a case to work or the malice aforethought of tricking those kids out their money. He really hopes it's something about that which has driven his mind to play tricks on him. Because the alternative, that his eyes really did go full on demon there for a second, that's terrifying. Surely, surely he has more time – but if the demon is already that close to emerging, for all he knows it could happen any time without his needing to die or have the blade.

Rowena and her schemes, by comparison, are hardly a blip on his radar. Of course, Crowley is another matter. Dean certainly doesn't trust the king of hell, since he's the one that manipulated Dean into the mark in the first place. Still. Crowley is, weirdly, one of the closest things to a friend Dean's got – and he doesn't want Dean to go back to being a demon, either. It's not enough to trust that whatever he'd ask for in exchange for curing the mark wouldn't be too much, or to expect he won't manipulate Dean in some other way in the future, but for a demon, he's not a bad guy and he clearly needs a friend. He also doesn't trust Crowley enough to make a request like the one he made to Cas, but keeping the demon invested in Dean's situation might not be a bad idea, either. Just in case. Times really have changed when Dean's thinking crap like that.

 

#### 10x18 (Book of the Damned): Ends and Means

Bobby's words about going behind Dean's back being a bad idea are echoing in Sam's head when Dean suddenly volunteers that while Sam was off infiltrating heaven, he actually learned something new about the mark. Granted, it doesn't seem to have been knowledge gained on purpose, but the fact he even shares the information gives Sam some hope maybe Dean isn't entirely giving up after all.

Then Charlie calls and she's got the book she went looking for and she's telling them she's pretty sure they can fix this thing. The change in Dean is completely astonishing. With the prospect of the mark being cured on the horizon, he's grooving to the radio and talking beach vacations. Basically acting more like himself then he has in, well, too damn long.

Which is why Sam can't do it when Dean demands they destroy the book. It doesn't matter the book keeps sending Dean into some weird kind of mesmerized state, or that there's all kinds of evidence the Stein family and the book are relentlessly evil, or even that Dean claims the book is calling to the mark. Maybe there will be consequences to using the book – knowing their luck, there definitely will be – but they already know what leaving the mark where it is will do to Dean. Sam won't let that happen again. Not ever, but especially not on the heels of realizing how badly he wants his brother back the way he used to be.

Sam has always thought hunting was never the life he would choose for himself. What he told Charlie is true, though. He has chosen hunting over and over again, even while constantly thinking in his head it was only for a little while. Plenty of people grow up to realize that just because the life they always dreamed of isn't the one they end up with, it doesn't mean what they do have is bad. He just might be ready to consider himself one of them - if only they can just save Dean.

So that's what he's going to do. Whatever it takes.

 

#### 10x19 (The Werther Project), Take One: Questionable Mortality

Dean knows Sam is still upset the lead with the Book of the Damned didn't pan out. He gets it, but that doesn't help him from being sick of the looks his brother keeps sending him, like he's going to blow any moment. It may be true, but to keep catching that look on Sam's face out of the corner of his eyes, like Sam doesn't know whether to hug him or be afraid of what he'll do next, it's getting old.

That's why he runs off to clear out a vamp nest on a solo run. Well, that and to try and keep the mark fed now they know it's going to be a while yet before they find a way to get rid of it. Thing is, if there was a spell in one book, well, that means it's definitely possible to cure it. Still, Dean doesn't blame Sam for running off to do a case of his own to make a bitchy point about what a douche move the vamp nest thing was.

Of course, it's a good thing he knows Sam as well as he does, because the case his brother picked is a doozy. When he slips mentally into Purgatory Dean knows it's all fake. Still, having what looks like one of his best friends voicing every doubt he has is almost enough to make him forget about what he knows the enchantment in the house does to people. Key word being almost. He knows better than to believe the mark will just let him go, though, and that's something the spell can't overcome. Without the blade, the box can't force him to suicide, and according to Crowley's tale, even with the blade it might have been a lost cause.

 

#### 10x19 (The Werther Project), Take Two: Myopia

Even as prepared as he thought he was listening to that recording of the Men of Letters meeting about the Werther box, Sam hadn't truly been ready to face Magnus' spellwork. He'd known enough to realize the spell urged people to suicide, but he'd still let it nearly talk him into bleeding himself out by being diabolical enough to manifest a more obvious version of itself to be beaten.

As dismayed as he'd been Dean had caught him out and followed him to Saint Louis, he's lucky he did. It really makes him wonder what Dean was seeing that let him figure out how to beat the enchantment when Sam couldn't. Then again, Dean has no idea that what the box is protecting is a link towards getting rid of the mark. To his brother, this was just another case, but to Sam it a way to save Dean. He should have been more aware it was playing on his desperation, but he'd let it blind him.

Even if he'd died there to get the cure for Dean, even if his hallucinations of Rowena had been true, there would have been no guarantee she'd actually cure his brother. Sam can't afford to take any more chances like this turned into – getting rid of the mark is too important.

 

#### 10x20 (Angel Heart): Consummate Failure

Sam honestly doesn't know if he's being paranoid about Dean's over-eagerness to do violence. It's not like it's so completely abnormal for Dean to want to go kill monsters, but with the mark, it seems like he's fine one minute and off the rails the next. Sam isn't sure how much to chance it. Besides, he's pretty damn sure if they leave Claire alone back at the motel she's going to find her way out to the house. Hopefully she and Dean can keep each other out of trouble.

Sam understands why Cas feels the need to try and make up for what he's done to Claire's family, he's been there himself, trying to make up for something you can never make right again. Besides Claire clearly needed their help, considering her search lead to one of the craziest angels they've yet encountered. Sure the guy might have been using the humans to hide from heaven, but he clearly lost it at some point if he really thought he was feeding off of them, too. Human souls can't be separated out like that. Sam also feels like time skipped somehow between his being halfway untied and the angel holding a sword on him and Dean and Claire's arrival at the house. But at least it seems like Claire is going to be perfectly okay with finding out her mother wanted to come back to her all along and then abruptly died in her arms within minutes of the two of them reuniting. Perhaps it just hasn't fully hit her yet. Either way, she'll be in good hands with Jody.

 

#### 10x21 (Dark Dynasty): Ineptitude and Falsity

Sam has been acting kind of shady for a while now, and at first Dean's just kind of amused at how subtle his brother is not being. The longer it drags on, though, the more Dean starts to wonder what's up. He assumes it probably has something to do with trying to get rid of the mark, but as Dean already knows Sam has been looking, why the secrecy? Besides, they've found exactly nothing outside the Stein's book of evil and that's nothing but ashes now, so what is there to hide?

Despite his questions, Dean doesn't really push it because it's kind of a relief Sam is actually giving him space right now. The mark is a constant presence, but Sam's unrelenting scrutiny of his every muscle twitch is almost as tiring. Maybe Dean has slipped a few times, but Sam's worried hovering, acting like he's going to hulk out any given moment – well, it makes a lie of all Sammy's pretty speeches about believing he can fight this thing, doesn't it?

Which, turns out, is not the only lie to come out of Sam's mouth lately. Bad enough Sam kept and is screwing around with a book the mark could literally feel the evil of, but to drag Cas and Charlie into it? To leave her vulnerable when they know the Steins are lurking in town and know about her? Dean wants the mark gone, but not at the expense of whatever price the book of the damned is likely to exact, and certainly not at the cost of Charlie's life.

 

#### 10x22 (The Prisoner): Refusing to Veer

The way Dean responds when Sam asks what they're going to do about him says all that needs to be said about the situation as far as Sam is concerned. Sam's worried about the mark and Dean's only concern is getting revenge for Charlie. He doesn't even care if it's himself or the mark talking. That's the problem – Dean's dead set on writing off the only lead they've found because he won't admit he's not fine and can never put himself above anyone else. He's so concerned about some possible nebulous future consequences instead of how the mark is already eating away at who he is.

Just because Sam's brother always insists on acting like he's fine, that doesn't make it true. Knowing how much Dean pretends, and how much Sam has already seen that Dean couldn't hide, Sam knows things are already pretty damn bad. Dean pulled the same crap years ago when he sold his soul, except then they knew exactly when the consequences were coming due. Which is why Sam can't just let their only chance go; Dean could lose it tomorrow or years from now and Sam is not going to let that happen. Dean has never been able to let him go and that has driven Sam crazy more than once. The thing he sometimes forgot was that most of the times he hadn't done the same had been because he couldn't not because he didn't want to. Months of research with every resource they could scrounge up has only turned up this one lead. They can't afford to squander it. They'll deal with whatever the consequences are, like they always do.

All he has to worry about right now is killing Crowley, and that's no hardship. They've never quite gotten around to it before now because it was always more convenient not to. Still, Crowley tried to go back on his deal with Bobby and kept him out of heaven, killed several people he and Dean had saved just to make a point, tortured Kevin, and on top of it all? This whole mark thing was a scheme he dragged Dean into when his brother was vulnerable and alone.

Of course, it doesn't go quite like Sam expects it will, and he's left wondering not only why Crowley didn't kill him, but if Rowena is actually a good enough witch to pull off whatever spell it's going to take to remove the mark. This is not the even the first time Sam knows of that she's badly miscalculated. Considering what Cas tells him about the Stein's home base after Dean's done there, she has to be. She just has to be.

 

#### 10x23 (Brother's Keeper), Take One: Fundamentals

Sam has often thought that for brothers, he and Dean are nothing alike. Sam loves learning for its own sake, and while Dean is intelligent enough, he'd rather do anything else but study, regardless of if the matter was school or research. Sam likes to think through all the angles of a situation, but Dean always wants to jump right in and trust his gut feelings. In a million ways, the two of them are opposites, seemingly only drawn together by the life their father raised them into.

Yet that's not really the whole picture. They're both headstrong and stubborn. They both feel good about saving people, but they've also both had broken dreams of giving up hunting for a normal life. And not for the first time, Sam is forced to acknowledge they're both willing to sacrifice their own lives or worse to save others, but absolutely not willing to let their brother do the same.

His original thought that Death was going to kill his brother to get rid of the mark was bad enough. The actual plan is a nightmare scenario far worse than that. Dean, alive forever, alone forever, suffering under the influence of the mark with no reprieve – forever. The thing that is apparently responsible for turning Lucifer into the twisted dick of an angel he became. Asking Sam to let that happen to Dean is unthinkable, that's _his brother_.

Even giving the previously nebulous, potential consequences a slightly more determinate form as the darkness from before creation doesn't change how Sam feels. He's reminded of something Dean said a few years back when they were desperately outclassed by the Leviathans. Ever since the apocalypse that wasn't, it seemed like the world was constantly having to be steered away from the edge of the cliff. Raphael, Crowley, Dick Roman, Abaddon, Metatron, they've beat back the impossible to save the world time and time again. The only thing they have to show for it is each other, and that one last thing is too much to ask to push back whatever giant looming evil is showing its face this time.

Unfortunately, with the mark, there's no way to keep Dean from doing it, and Sam isn't even really sure what he's after when he pulls out those pictures he's been carrying around. Maybe he meant it as a last ditch effort to change Dean's mind. Maybe he was just hoping if Dean's last memory of Earth included proof he was loved, somehow those lonely centuries ahead would be just a little less bleak. When and if there was enough of his brother's sanity left to remember anything. It ultimately wasn't really a matter of giving up so much as giving in for now, after all; since when has death ever stopped either of them, anyway?

Of course it does change Dean's mind, and Sam's been so caught up in the moment he doesn't even really remember he left Cas and Rowena working on the spell to remove the mark until suddenly it's gone in a freaky flash of lightning. Afterward, as the huge ominous cloud rolls towards them at frightening speed, Sam reflects that Dean is right, there are consequences. But Sam's right, too, because the biggest thing they have in common is their determination to screw over destiny and other impossible odds.

 

#### 10x23 (Brother's Keeper), Take Two: Consummate Refusal

Dean isn't going to be Cain. That's what it comes down to. Dean knows he's not entirely in control on some level, but the largest part of him has kept insisting it wasn't really that bad.

Sure he'd lost it and killed that room full of scumbags, and the Steins, but honestly, neither one of those were really worth anyone's tears. Rudy, though, he can't just write off. That split second where he seriously considered killing Castiel just because the angel was annoying him, he can't just write off. Even the way he killed that Stien kid because of his bloodline the same way Cain was tracking down all of his descendants is an uncomfortable echo, that in retrospect, he can't just write off. Dean isn't going to be Cain.

Sam's been too fixated on the damned book of the damned to even look anywhere else for some other cure to the mark, and it's time to admit he's already too far gone to just hold out and hope for the best. He's got no other options he can think of other than calling up the one guy that can maybe kill his ass off for good with the mark in play and asking for a favor. Everyone around him is in danger, and Dean isn't going to be Cain.

When Death proposes his solution, Dean doesn't see any alternatives. He can't push this mark off on anyone else. If Cain eventually went mad and started killing again, if it drove Lucifer to turn on God, there's just no hope for any random schmuck like him or anyone he could pick. Dean isn't going to be the one to drown the world in blood, and Death is right, whatever Sam has said in the past, he's shown he's not willing to let this thing with the mark and Dean go. It isn't until he's holding the scythe and looking down at Sam that he remembers what was different between him and Cain from the first time they met to the last time they met. Dean isn't Cain; there's _nothing_ that could make him kill his brother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I said last chapter, I'm marking this complete. It's not impossible I may change my mind and do future seasons as they air, but I think I've gotten what I intended out of this as a project and I don't currently intend to continue.


End file.
